The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand breathe Barbie!
Wahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay peeps! Me pecker’s wagging at all the crackin’ Euro action I’ve seen this week. The football weren’t bad either! Woof! Down boy!
First we’ll ‘ave a look at Tuesday’s Chumpion’s League games that the Brits were involved in.
Chelski had a bye in their game - the opposition keeper waving bye to any self-respect he had. To be honest, it was pretty much a training game for the Blues; although their football was great to watch, the Schulcking team of Roberteo DiGateau, an old Blue himself, enhanced their greatness with their own level of ineptitude. Good to see old Diddler Dragback getting on the score-sheet at the end. Be interesting to see who Joseki plays in the next gimme - qualification as top dogs is already assured, so the Speciality One could quite easily blood the youth and reserves in Europe. It would make for an interesting game, not to mention the fall-out afterwards if he did. We can only hope… After the game, I caught up with Joseki in the bar, where he told me, ‘I still love ya Dobster. Marry me.’ I hope he was pissed…
Meanwhile, at the Etmehat Stadium, Mantreasurechester City entertained the might of Buya Munter with knees-a-knocking. And it showed in the first 15 minutes. It was only when Sergeo Arguer was taken out by the most misjudged tackle since Simon Cowell had a penis enlargement op, that City’s night began to brighten. A man and a goal up, the Blues were looking good and playing with confidence and poise. D’oh! They managed to go in at the break a goal behind, and a mile behind in possession stats. Against 10 men. At home. Whoops…
The second half was an entertaining and nerve-jangling watch for all cheering on the Blue side of Madchester. Chances were made, missed, spawned and saved. And then 2 howling mistakes left Sergeo not once again, but twice again, with the goal at his mercy. Poise, pace, strength and precision left the net rippling and the crowd ecstatic as City robbed the points à la end of the first title-winning season. Pip Guacamole was literally kicking himself - whether to show his team how to do it, or in desperation at the fact that Merry and the rest of the hobbits hadn’t turned up, we’ll never know… City went home with hope in their hearts that the door wasn’t closed on their Euro progression. Yet… Pellicani told me after the game, ‘The ball; we kick it. You see? See? Gaaaaaaaaah! No-one ever listen Dobbie!’ I wonder why…
Ditherfool arrived for their game on Wednesday in a Ford van. Well, Brenda does love his trannies… They promptly managed to concede to Ludicrous Rats, a team so good that when they’re injured, they need a note from their mum to avoid a call-up. Sterling and Henderson finally managed to save Ditherfool’s blushes - and Brenda’s job - before half-time. The second half was a case of push and pull - and that was just Martin Skittle’s defending techniques. Luckily for the Reds, by this stage Ludicrous were starting to flag and struggle to hold possession; which was when the Dithers decided that they couldn’t possibly win a game (why change the habit of the season?) and dropped further and further back until they were all huddled in the back of the net. Which was convenient for picking the ball out of it when Ludicrous put down his microphone and nodded the ball in. D’oh! So, they yet again dragged virtual-defeat from the jaws of victory to leave themselves with it all to do in the final game at Spamfield. And we can all see how that will go, on past performances… In the showers afterwards, Brenda tried to slip me a soap on a rope, but I evaded his strap-on humour…
Meanwhile, in Londinium, Arse-nil hosted Brassy Dortmunch in another match they expected to win by a mile, but we all knew what would happen. Didn’t we? However, on this occasion, Arse-nil managed to shock us, not themselves, and not by throwing away yet more points, but by putting in a solid performance against an obviously under-power and under-bothered Dortmunch. Let’s face it, the Brassys had already won the group at a gallop and didn’t need to pick up fatigue or injuries, so how much of a game they planned to put on against the Gooners, we don’t know. What we do know is that Arse-nil are gonna shade the next round after this result. Arsey lives to fight another year. I spoke to wee Jackie Wiltshire after the game. ‘Ya want some? Do ya? Well?’ he ranted.
After the wonders of the Chumpion’s League, we moved on Thursday to the boredom of the Europa League, where Neverton played Wolfsbeefburger, and were shocked to discover some true entertainment.
Neverton weathered an early scare, having the Scouse linesman to thank for staying level, and in a riveting game of less-than-convincing defending and attack-on-the-break schoolboy footie, they eventually managed, after various goals ruled off-side, to come home with the spoils - and a Happy Meal each. On to the next round as table-toppers for the Blues. Roberto Martini-shaken-not-stirred gave me his opinion after the game. ‘Dobbie,’ he philosophised, ‘the best is definitely Mozarella and anchovies.’ That’s that sorted then. Better get them signed for next season Rob.
Next we went to Shite Fart Lame and watched the comedy unfold as Twittering Shitspurs eventually put the game to bed after 190 minutes of football-on, football-off. Spurs also progress, but how far can they go with their hot-cold form? PottyGeno told me after the game, ‘There was no invasion Dob; they were striker’s I was trying out before the January transfer window. Although one of the stewards had quick feet and a good turn of pace, so I may sign him and bin Soldildo.’ That explains that then.
Celtic rounded off the week’s action - disappointingly losing at home to scrape through to the knock-out stages in second. They’ll have to improve, especially at home, if they’re to go any further when the big boys come to town… Milky McMilky spoke to me afterwards, in the bar. ‘Dobbie, he said, ‘I cannae can wae the cannae can can.’ Er, exactly Milky. Me too. Your round mate.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s it for this week peeps. Next we’ll be looking at the run-in to the knock-out stages of the Chumpion’s League, and the Europa. Some have all to play for, some have nothing to play for. Team choice in the final rounds here will be interesting…I’m salivating already.
Barbie, fill the fridge up again. It’s gonna be an interesting last round of games peeps.
Game on Barbie.
See you soon peeps!
Tara for now!

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Wahay peeps! I’m back from me hols once more and I’ve got lots to tell thee, I tell thee!
First, did ya see that there England team tekkin’ on another Euro qualifier, then beating the Jocks! I was quietly impressed wi’ the performance, I can tell thee. A solid run-out in both games, with patience bein’ shown until the goals came. Good work guys! Keep this up and we’ll be fine for the Competition.
For an exclusive interview wi’ Roy Rogers Dodgeson talking about ‘is team choices for matches mentioned, check out this link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lnrlr6OX1vg&list=UU7_g9FX9-u2AmiNXR4tVjng
Meanwhile, I was most happy and delighted to see the Women’s England team get a real warm reception at the ‘ome of footie when they took on the might of the Teutons in front of 55,000 people - yep; 55,000 - at that there Wembley. Staggering support peeps, and that didn’t include all o’ them folks as watched it on TV. Staggering.
The girls put on a great show that made me proud to be an Englishm - person. Okay, so the mighty German lasses beat us 3 nil with typical solid defending and efficient finishing, but we are only in the second year of development of the women’s Super League, whilst the Germans have been playing at this level for 10,000 years. Give ‘em time, and they’ll be oop there battling for titles wi’ ‘em!
For more info on Women’s Super League, or to get involved, check out this there link:
http://www.fawsl.com/index.html
Right peeps - time to whistle round the Prem.
Chelski enhanced their Champions Elect status with an easy win against 10 man West Sandwich Albumen.
Neverton robbed West Sham in a feisty, old-school affair. It was all handbags, but no doubt the FA will over-react as usual.
Fester and Blunderland bored with a goalless snore-draw.
Mantreasurechester City went behind early but still managed to pip Onesie for the points.
Pewkastle continued their leviathic rise by beating a gutted PQRSTU.
Steak became the first team this season to be embarrassed by losing to BURnleY. At home! D’oh!
Arse-nil continued their string of inept performances by battering Man Reunited before gifting them the win. Double d’oh!
Come Sunday, an irate Stevie Gorgeous Brucie-bonus watched his side throw away a fantastically early lead against Twittering Shitspurs, conceding so late that Brucie was in the bar on his second bottle of red when the final goal went in.
Unsurprising result of the weekend was Chrysophase Palace beating Louthampton’s B team, Ditherfool, 3-1. Surprising result of the weekend - Brenda’s still got a job. Triple d’oh!
The final game of the weekend found Louthampton themselves stunned by Aston Vanilla. They out passed the Vanillans by 229 passes - yes, 229 passes, and conceded to a gifted goal which was Vanilla’s only attempt at goal. They struggled after this and despite the vast percentage of possession they enjoyed, were fortunate to escape with a point. Quadruple d’oh!
Right peeps, that’s it till Friday night and me awesome Euro blog - don’t miss it!
Now, Barbie! Get that white bikini on and get under that waterfall - it’s jungle time baby!
Schwiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

The Dobster is on holiday this week but enjoy this EXCLUSIVE interview of Roy Rogers Dodgeson explaining his team choices for last night's game to the Italian press.

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

The Dobmeister is back and this time it's personal! Get ur coat Lambretta! Wenger, u are the weakest link - you're fired! Hohoho. Christmas is coming and Sam is getting fat!
Hello, good evening and welcome footie fans! Tis I, the Dobster, spinning those punditry plates like a spinning-plate-man type thingy.
First game under review in me blog is that there shower Ditherfool, who once more managed to throw away all 3 points with an inept display, losing 2-1, although they were playing the Champions elect. Whining about a penalty decision in a game that was so full of incident won't save Brenda from the naysayers in the Kop who are starting to wonder if he's up to it. The Fools have now scored less goals than they've conceded, so was selling He-who-shall-not-be-named such a good idea after all, if you're not gonna invest the money in a decent replacement? Joseki meanwhile, marches on with his formidable squad, although those foolhardy enough to believe they'll last the season undefeated are purely delusional.
Hold the front pages! BURnleY have finally won a game! And it wasn’t against a Conference side in the FA Cup… Okay, so 1-0 won’t save their season, but it’s at least a clean sheet. Next week, the Second Coming, Wenger smiles after a game, a banker acts honest, Katie Price marries for love, and Lois Van Hire talks sense about just how shite Man Reunited really are.
Talking about Reunited, they actually managed a win, albeit 1-0 - against Chrysophase Palace, another team who should be as aggrieved as - well, basically everyone in the Premiership. Let’s face it, the refs aren’t setting any new records for raising the standards. At this rate, the FA will be drafting Italian refs in to keep the games honest…
Louthampton, or Ditherfool A Team as they’re now known, stumbled rather than marched on in the dizzying heights of second place with a 2-0 defeat of the Crispnickers. They made hard work of a Fester team that quite simply aren’t at Prem level, particularly and painfully in attack. The best point of the performance was yet another clean sheet for the Louts. These guys are tighter than a nun’s chuff.
Surprisingly, West Shambles huffed and puffed at home to Aston Vanilla (or Chumpionship fodder as we now know them.). 0 boring 0. Only 6 weeks to Christmas, so Lambretta needs to buy his prezzies now while he’s still got a job…
Mantreasurechester City once more came close to falling foul of a team that they really should be putting to the sword, PQRSTU. 2-2, and I promise that I won’t mention referees or decisions again during the blog, as it’s becoming ridiculously easy to slam them, and, frankly peeps, it’s boring me now. Final word on the matter is - FA; sort this shower of shit out. Or charge them for bringing the game into disrepute. The skrets.
Sunday brought the day of remembrance. Respect.
The Tim Howard comedy roadshow rolled into Blunderland and almost came unstuck once more. These 2 have leakier defences than Holland’s dykes. No, not those dykes…1-1 was probably fair enough.
Twittering Shitspurs’ mega-millions still can’t win a game, losing to Steak City 2-1 - yes, you read that right, Steak City, at Shite Fart Lane. PottyGino is pottier than ever, and in danger of beating Lambretta to the job centre. Clueless.
Pewkcastle’s sudden resurgence roared on, Pugilist Pards now Christ Risen from the dead. Putting Best Sandwich Albumen to the sword 2-0 may be a real tonic that will drag them to safety by Christmas. Pewks fans fickle? Bah!
Final laugh-athon of the weekend’s games was a case of saving the best to last - unless you’re an Arse-nil fan. Whinger once more watched his hopeless hapless idiots throw away 3 more points and lose to Onesie. Highlight of the day was Boney M being subbed, walking off in a strop thinking he could have won the game for them, then standing on the touchline watching his replacement do just that with just 2 minutes on the pitch. Priceless! Taxi for BooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
So we reach the break peeps, and I will leave you for a short while, and go entertain Barbie with me ball skills. Hers aren’t bad either. Ooooof!
Tara for now!

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Yo yo yo peeps! Dobster is ‘ere yet again wi’ me big bag o’ footballing fun. And this is Euro Friday, where I look back at the games that ‘ave been played in the Champion’s League and the Europa league this week.
First game o’ week were that well anticipated tussle ‘tween Ditherfool and Real Madrigals in Spain. Everyone, including me, were expecting Scousers to get their arses handed to ‘em on a plate like. Performance wise, it were men and boys. But, credit to the reds, who hung in there and only went down by one solitary goal. That there Morello Cherry at the back were right good. And Coca Colo Tourrettes were outstanding! Played the game o’ ‘is life like! He went ‘ome just muscle and skin, he played that much out o’ ‘is skin! Well done reds! You may well just about qualify if you can turn in the right performances. Brenda spoke to me after the game. I asked him how he would strategize for the next games. He asked me for Suarez’ phone number…
Next stop were - hahaha - Arse-nil, who did nothing to prevent Arsey Whinger living up to ‘is name. Three nil up, and drew 3-3. Nobody, not even Whinger, can blame anyone else for his team folding like a pack o’ cards made from chocolate that ‘ave been thrown in a furnace. Sore losers too. Arsey Whinger said to me after the final whistle, “Boohoo, sob, sob, boohoo.”
The following night saw another batch o’ weirdness, as CSKAKAKAKAKAKAAAAAAAAAA overthrew Mantreasurechester City in a bad-tempered affair. To be fair to City, the ref was a total knob, missing a blatant penalty for the blues, and sending Ferkininho off a little harshly. Yoyo Tourrettes can have no complaints at his straight red, but the ref had lit the touch-paper long before bonfire night got underway. In the bar afterwards, Manuel Pelicani was quite relaxed as he offered me a glass of Pinot Grigio. When I asked if he had any red, he fumed he’d seen enough red for the night and stormed out…
Perhaps the surprise of the round was Chelski being held by the pitiful minnows of Malibu. A 1-1 draw away from home may seem a decent point, but the point is that there should have been a Hazard warning on the penalty kick, and Joseki’s tie-pin cost more than the opposition team. In the showers afterwards, Joseki said to me, “I still love you Dobbie.” He was definitely drunk this time…
And so we take a look at the tables, where we find Ditherfool in a dangerous spot, needing to pull some good results out of the bag in order to turn their third place and 3 points into qualification. By contrast, Arse-nil are pretty comfortable so far, and as long as they don’t self-implode (not unlikely if they can give away 3 goal leads so easily) they should qualify 2nd. Whilst Chelski sit pretty and commanding in top spot in their group, Mantreasurechester City are looking lost and forlorn as they prop up the table. It’s looking like a miracle can’t save these boys. Time will tell…

And so we turn to the table scrapings that are the Europa League.
Twittering Shitspurs went away to Asterix Triplets, and were lucky to come away with all 3 points as they attempted an Arse-nil, clinging on for dear life till full-time to squeak a 2-1 win. PottyGino told me, in confidence, after the game - “I don’t know what I’m doing.” Sorry mate, but the fans ‘ave been telling you that all season…
Celtic, meanwhile, were scrapping out a feisty one-all draw with the other Asterix Triplet - Asterix GeorgeMichaelus. 2 beautifully superb goals capped an entertaining spectacle that set us up for the majesty of a Neverton performance that left a Lilliput side in disarray. And this is the team that kept a French record 23 clean sheets last season. To lose 3-0 to the Toffees in full flow was hardly a humiliation, but they could at least of turned up. The French manager caught up with me after the game. I apologised profusely and returned his wallet…
These results left the Nevers in a great position to qualify for the knock-outs, and avoid the big boys as they drop from the Champion’s League, whilst Celtic and Twittering are looking good also, but need to ensure the performances get them to the top, or the big guns may come calling in the next round.
And that’s it peeps for this week. I’ll be back in a fortnight wi’ me next blog on Europe, but next week me old mucker Russ the writer will be back with more thought-provoking, er, thoughts, in ‘is ‘Do you ever…’ blog.
That gets me thinking actually…
Barbie…bring the jump-leads will ya love…

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Dobbie's back! And I'm kicking punditry ass peeps!
Another weekend of Prem madness and yet more randomly weird weirdness!
We start at Sports Direct Head Orifice, where a dithering Ditherfool defence managed to concede to the Shagpies, leaving the loyal (SNIGGER) Loon Army lauding Pugilist Pards for his second coming, whilst the Scousers were scratching their heads wondering where all the Sewerage transfer fee had gone. Well, Brenda can't have spent it all on the shower of shit he put out on Saturday, can he?
Dodgy Rodgers is already playing the 'woe is me' card, telling the press after the game that he was missing 80% of last year's strike-force in Sewerage (although he interestingly refused to say his name, referring to him as 'the player we sold') and the injured Porridge. Sorry Brenda, but who spent all the money on shit players? Last year you slagged Shitspurs off because apparently anyone who spends £100 million should be winning the league. How much you spent? Where are you? Stop whining and turn it around before the Kop turns on your sorry arse!
Next we turn to yet another whiney arse - Whinger Wenger. They finally managed to put to the sword one of the worst Prem teams ever, relying ever more heavily on one-man band Alexkid Sanchez. Despite the piss-poor defence they were up against, Whinger is now lauding The Kid as the new Messi. Leave it out ya daft sod - this lot's defence looked worse than Peter Barlow's. Me mum could have scored past 'em. BURnleY have less chance of scoring than a 50 year old at Jordan’s vow renewal. The point is, that unless Arse-nil come up against some proper opposition, and they will, their defensive frailties won't be exposed for the useless bunch they are. I mean, if Callumnity Chambers can score, even Bolloxtelli has hope...What odds would you get on BURnleY being the first team relegated AT Christmas I wonder...
Chelski meanwhile, continued their ascent of the Prem summit by beating a tasty PQRSTU side that weren't gonna go quietly. Joseki can be happy that they got away with only one goal conceded and all 3 points. Definitely the strongest squad in this league for many a year. I also believe they can hold it together across all fronts this season, as the depth of their squad is quite remarkable. They are certainly the scalp everyone wants this year, but who'll be the first to take it? Answers on a postcard please!
Neverton continue their poor home form with much huffing and puffing at Onesie's front door, but ultimately it was to no avail as honours were even at the death. These2 are looking as though mid-table obscurity is all they'll achieve this season.
Louthampton are looking less like Ditherfool reserves and more like Ditherfool A team at the moment. Flying high in second, they made hard work of Dull in their own backyard, but with only 5 goals conceded so far, Christmas could be a good one for 'em this year.
Best Sandwich Albumen's steady rise from the flames continues under the continually impressive Irvine, admittedly only beating a poor finishing Fester team by an odd goal, but progress is progress, and moving away from the drop zone before the key point of New Year is never a bad thing.
West Shambles’ impressive recent form came to a halt despite a decent battling performance at Steak. More games should be played like this, ending honours even at 2 apiece.
Maybe Twittering Shitspurs should take note of those 2 and how to battle, despite managing a last gasp win reliant on that man 'arry again. Aston Vanilla played them off the park at times, failing due to idiotic behaviour from key man Kenteky Fried Brains and an inability to defend. Nothing new there then. How long will Lambretta last on this form? I'm still betting he'll be gone by 2015. And Vanilla gone down by April.
Lois Delusional Van Hire is still squawking bollocks at Man Reunited. After the performance last season, could anyone possibly have made Moyes look good? Obviously Van Hire took that as a challenge, and at this rate, the Double-Glazers will be looking to re-employ the Chosen One. The ref didn't help - Stevie Wonder wasn't available so they got someone with worse eyesight to officiate. 1-0 flattered Reunited immeasurably, and how anyone thinks Christine Smallbrain is fit to play Sunday league, let alone Premier league, is beyond me. I'm sure Van Hire will continue to smash those Reunited records all season long - but not in a good way...
Finally, on Monday night, we experienced some real old school football, that thankfully the ref took a bac
k seat to and let go. Tackles, battling, cracking finishing and real entertainment ensued. Blunderland finally ran out clear winners, but had to scrap all the way. Reminded me of the 70s and 80s!
And on that bombshell peeps, I’m off to me pit!
Barbie’s out on a Hen night for some slapper who’s on her 6th husband, so I’ll crack a bottle of ‘am shandy and see yaz Friday wi’ me awesome European look back.
Tara fo’ now folks!