The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand breathe Barbie!
Wahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay peeps! Me pecker’s wagging at all the crackin’ Euro action I’ve seen this week. The football weren’t bad either! Woof! Down boy!
First we’ll ‘ave a look at Tuesday’s Chumpion’s League games that the Brits were involved in.
Chelski had a bye in their game - the opposition keeper waving bye to any self-respect he had. To be honest, it was pretty much a training game for the Blues; although their football was great to watch, the Schulcking team of Roberteo DiGateau, an old Blue himself, enhanced their greatness with their own level of ineptitude. Good to see old Diddler Dragback getting on the score-sheet at the end. Be interesting to see who Joseki plays in the next gimme - qualification as top dogs is already assured, so the Speciality One could quite easily blood the youth and reserves in Europe. It would make for an interesting game, not to mention the fall-out afterwards if he did. We can only hope… After the game, I caught up with Joseki in the bar, where he told me, ‘I still love ya Dobster. Marry me.’ I hope he was pissed…
Meanwhile, at the Etmehat Stadium, Mantreasurechester City entertained the might of Buya Munter with knees-a-knocking. And it showed in the first 15 minutes. It was only when Sergeo Arguer was taken out by the most misjudged tackle since Simon Cowell had a penis enlargement op, that City’s night began to brighten. A man and a goal up, the Blues were looking good and playing with confidence and poise. D’oh! They managed to go in at the break a goal behind, and a mile behind in possession stats. Against 10 men. At home. Whoops…
The second half was an entertaining and nerve-jangling watch for all cheering on the Blue side of Madchester. Chances were made, missed, spawned and saved. And then 2 howling mistakes left Sergeo not once again, but twice again, with the goal at his mercy. Poise, pace, strength and precision left the net rippling and the crowd ecstatic as City robbed the points à la end of the first title-winning season. Pip Guacamole was literally kicking himself - whether to show his team how to do it, or in desperation at the fact that Merry and the rest of the hobbits hadn’t turned up, we’ll never know… City went home with hope in their hearts that the door wasn’t closed on their Euro progression. Yet… Pellicani told me after the game, ‘The ball; we kick it. You see? See? Gaaaaaaaaah! No-one ever listen Dobbie!’ I wonder why…
Ditherfool arrived for their game on Wednesday in a Ford van. Well, Brenda does love his trannies… They promptly managed to concede to Ludicrous Rats, a team so good that when they’re injured, they need a note from their mum to avoid a call-up. Sterling and Henderson finally managed to save Ditherfool’s blushes - and Brenda’s job - before half-time. The second half was a case of push and pull - and that was just Martin Skittle’s defending techniques. Luckily for the Reds, by this stage Ludicrous were starting to flag and struggle to hold possession; which was when the Dithers decided that they couldn’t possibly win a game (why change the habit of the season?) and dropped further and further back until they were all huddled in the back of the net. Which was convenient for picking the ball out of it when Ludicrous put down his microphone and nodded the ball in. D’oh! So, they yet again dragged virtual-defeat from the jaws of victory to leave themselves with it all to do in the final game at Spamfield. And we can all see how that will go, on past performances… In the showers afterwards, Brenda tried to slip me a soap on a rope, but I evaded his strap-on humour…
Meanwhile, in Londinium, Arse-nil hosted Brassy Dortmunch in another match they expected to win by a mile, but we all knew what would happen. Didn’t we? However, on this occasion, Arse-nil managed to shock us, not themselves, and not by throwing away yet more points, but by putting in a solid performance against an obviously under-power and under-bothered Dortmunch. Let’s face it, the Brassys had already won the group at a gallop and didn’t need to pick up fatigue or injuries, so how much of a game they planned to put on against the Gooners, we don’t know. What we do know is that Arse-nil are gonna shade the next round after this result. Arsey lives to fight another year. I spoke to wee Jackie Wiltshire after the game. ‘Ya want some? Do ya? Well?’ he ranted.
After the wonders of the Chumpion’s League, we moved on Thursday to the boredom of the Europa League, where Neverton played Wolfsbeefburger, and were shocked to discover some true entertainment.
Neverton weathered an early scare, having the Scouse linesman to thank for staying level, and in a riveting game of less-than-convincing defending and attack-on-the-break schoolboy footie, they eventually managed, after various goals ruled off-side, to come home with the spoils - and a Happy Meal each. On to the next round as table-toppers for the Blues. Roberto Martini-shaken-not-stirred gave me his opinion after the game. ‘Dobbie,’ he philosophised, ‘the best is definitely Mozarella and anchovies.’ That’s that sorted then. Better get them signed for next season Rob.
Next we went to Shite Fart Lame and watched the comedy unfold as Twittering Shitspurs eventually put the game to bed after 190 minutes of football-on, football-off. Spurs also progress, but how far can they go with their hot-cold form? PottyGeno told me after the game, ‘There was no invasion Dob; they were striker’s I was trying out before the January transfer window. Although one of the stewards had quick feet and a good turn of pace, so I may sign him and bin Soldildo.’ That explains that then.
Celtic rounded off the week’s action - disappointingly losing at home to scrape through to the knock-out stages in second. They’ll have to improve, especially at home, if they’re to go any further when the big boys come to town… Milky McMilky spoke to me afterwards, in the bar. ‘Dobbie, he said, ‘I cannae can wae the cannae can can.’ Er, exactly Milky. Me too. Your round mate.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s it for this week peeps. Next we’ll be looking at the run-in to the knock-out stages of the Chumpion’s League, and the Europa. Some have all to play for, some have nothing to play for. Team choice in the final rounds here will be interesting…I’m salivating already.
Barbie, fill the fridge up again. It’s gonna be an interesting last round of games peeps.
Game on Barbie.
See you soon peeps!
Tara for now!