The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Wahaaaay peeps! It’s that time o’ week agen, that time when I gi’ me awesome punditry on fixtures from Prem o’er the weekend! Yes peeps, it’s time for Dobbie Egg-on-me- face- jackal-man Savageo! My, how the Forest fans love me!
First we look at Saturday’s fixtures starting wi’ the car crash that is Aston Vanilla’s slide down the Prem table towards the oblivion of the Chumpionship. Ditherfool came calling and walked away without getting a sweat on. Lambretta’s lot couldn’t score in a brothel, so Fillet Mignon in the Dithers goal had the cigars out in his deckchair all game. Vanilla’ll never keep Kentuke, the only player capable of hitting the target, and Lambretta’s only still got a job cos tight-wad Randy Bugger Herrnia don’t wanna pay him off in case he gets a manager with balls who wants paying more and wants to splash a few pence in the window - as if anyone would go there. An easy 3 points for Brenda’s mob and another clean sheet, added to the goal difference of +2 on the day. A good day out was had by the Scouse, but the Vanillains need to persuade someone rich, and stupid enough, to buy the Yank out before they end up playing Grimsby in the Conference.
BURnleY managed to somehow repeat their midweek performance in the cup against Spurs, going 2 up early on, the heady heights of which again caused them a nosebleed that led to them bleeding 3 goals to Pugilist Pards’ Palace. Good try for Deichmann’s Shoes’ team, but you met a resurgent Chrysophase Palace at just the wrong point of your season boys. More performances like this, and both teams will be looking good to avoid joining Aston Vanilla in the Chumpionship come August.
Fester City pummelled Steak City at the crisp-nickers own place, but ultimately leaked the only goal that left them with pride, but nil points. Another side in jeopardy now, but if they could turn performances into results, the Festers could miraculously avoid the drop at someone else’s expense.
PQRSTU also hosted, and also put in a hell of a performance, but yet again a lack of ability and talent cost them dear as Man Reunited waltzed away with all 3 points, +2 GD and De Gear’s 9th clean sheet of the season. No wonder the Spanish are coming for him.
In the comedy of errors that was Onesie, Chelski showed their class and ability by tearing the Welshies apart. 5 nil it ended, but could have been a cricket score - no exaggeration. Monkfish’s lot shot themselves in the foot so badly that it’s a wonder that they weren’t all stretchered off legless by half-time. At least the game would have been abandoned to save their blushes. Joseki finally STFU moaning and had praise for his lads, whilst Monkfish quite rightly apologised for his team’s abject display. At least you didn’t get ‘em all on the pitch at half-time for your team-talk Gaz. That would have been embarrassing… No doubt he’ll put it down to experience and move on to the next game. The lad’s not daft, and he obviously didn’t go to the Arsey Whinger school of blind moaning.
Blunderland were left licking their wounds as the late-late-Erikson-mobile coach rolled into Shite Fart Lame. How many teams will Twittering Shitspurs frustrate to hell this season as they rely on Christiano Eriknaldo waking up just in time to slot the winner home? I swear Phallic Ferguson must be running the team from behind the scenes, they are starting to look so much like Reunited from his era. When will teams learn to defend against the Spurs only in the last 10 minutes, the time they can only seem to hit the onion bag? Go figure.
Final game o’ day saw Louthampton travel to Blunderland’s age old enemies o’ the North East - Pewkcastle Utd. Utd in hating Ashley that is. Once more the Pewks let their caretaker down by losing
at Sports Direct HQ. The Louts are still looking good for their top 6 finish, and anyone who says they said that in August is a liar or a politician. Oh, wait - same thing - sorry.
Sunday saw Arse-nil travel to the Etmihat for another thrashing at the hands of Mantreasurechester City. Who obviously didn’t realise they had to play to win, not just turn up. On what was probably Vincenzo Kamping’s worst game of the season, City’s mega-bucks strike-force also drew a blank, and groans as they couldn’t penetrate a defence that until now has looked leakier than a rusty colander. At least Arsey didn’t need to turn his blind eyes to any decisions, and it’s strange that both the Whinger and Joseki Chelski found happiness on the same weekend… As for Manuel ‘I’m-not-from-Barcelona-you-know’ Pelicani - his head must be bald from all the scratching this season.
Meanwhile, Best Sham, led by Big Spam, hosted and destroyed a Dull side that are, quite frankly, dull. It doesn’t help Brucie’s bonuses that half are has-beens and the other half are currently in Hull Royal Infirmary. Will Stevie ever catch a break? On their performances this season, he may soon be catching the bus - to a Tuesday night fixture against Leeds or Bradford - and local rivals and giants - ahem - Scunthorpe, the only team to ever lose 2 keepers in the first 45 minutes, both with broken arms. What are the chances?
Maybe they were hoping Stallone would come on in their place and save the day in goal. Unfortunately for Scunny, Sly was at Neverton’s home filming a boxing biog whilst the Toffees fruitlessly pummelled a Best Sandwich Albumen team that Tony Pullet has put the fear of God into. They obviously got told that if they concede a goal, their first born will be eaten by The Pullet himself. Neverton ended with 79% possession, and at one point had out-passed Albumen 7 to 1. They were made to pay for Mirabilis pulling rank on the penalty magician David Baines (15 pens, 14 goals). If you can’t hit the onion bag from 12 yards Kev, don’t put your arse on the line. Poor old Roberteo Martini-shaken-not-stirred had to watch his Blues smashing themselves against the barricade of Albumen’s defences for 90 minutes, ruing the fact that the one player the fans have slagged him off for not playing enough was the one who ultimately cost them the points. But he took him off at half time cos of injury. Of course…
And that’s it peeps!
I’m starvin’ now, so I’m gonna go throw something on Barbie and nosh on down!
Schwing!
See ya soon!
Tara for now!