Sepp Blatter

Good afternoon footie fans and welcome to The Gardens once more!

We turn now to the never-ending debate in the sport known as Foot-ball – that perennial of video technology, as in Rugby and Cricket, to support the match official’s decision-making, and the governing body’s seeming reluctance to embrace it in pursuit of fair and proper judgements within the beautiful game. Here with a special interview with the enigmatic FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, is our chief sports correspondent, Justin De Bakodinett
JDB: Joining me now is FIFA President Joseph ‘Sepp’ Blatter
Sepp Blatter: Hello human
JDB: Erm, indeed. Now, Mr Blatter, you’ve travelled a long way today to defend your position on video technology.
Sepp Blatter: Yes. I have come from the past, to destroy the future.
JDB: Sorry?
Sepp Blatter: It is my mission to stop the machines.
JDB: Oh. Aren’t you a little concerned that many people would see that as modern day Luddism?
Sepp Blatter: No.
JDB: Not a little?
Sepp Blatter: No.
JDB: Why not?
Sepp Blatter: Let me explain a little of FIFA’s history. In the Year of Darkness, 1936, the rulers of football devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing nothing. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE TEAMINATOR'. The thing that won't die, in the nightmare that won't end.
JDB: And that’s – you?
Sepp Blatter: Ja
JDB: But surely it’s time that football moved into the 21st century and embraced technology, otherwise unfair decisions will continue to destroy the reputation of FIFA and stop teams from –
Sepp Blatter: Puny human – you know nothing.
JDB: Sorry?
Sepp Blatter: We must be merciless in our war against the machines. If we are not vigilant, those bleeding hearts will allow technology to run amok.
JDB: This opinion is exactly why many people would accuse FIFA of being a totalitarian organisation. What would you say to those people?
Sepp Blatter: I know where you live.
JDB: So you’re happy to be viewed as trying to instigate a dystopian game where fair play takes second place to paranoia over modern technology?
Sepp Blatter: Of course – I’m Swiss - if my own country cannot win the world cup – then nobody shall! Mwahahahahahahaaaaaa!