The Hanging Gardens of Brazilian Delight

Good evening and welcome once more to the Gardens of footballian delight, now relocated for a few weeks to the sauna that is Braaaaaaaaaaazil! Phew - it’s hotter than Nicole Kidman’s thong in here. And just as humid. Someone open a window.
Tonight we have our ace sports pundit and footballroom expert Dobbie Savage spouting the usual tosh - I mean, valued opinions - on the England World Cup squad, B league proposals, and a special insider video report from the England training camp ahead of their final preparation match against some insignificant nobodies that you’ve never heard of. No, not Scotland.
Over to you Dobbster!
Cheers Russ, you old tart!
Evening peeps and straight into me first topic for discussion.
The ENGLAND SQUAD and their respective NUMBERS for the 2014 WORLD CUP
1. Josephine Hart2Hart - not being funny but this is kind of a no-brainer for Royston Hodge-podge. Perhaps if Hart2Hart’s butler Max forgets to pack his Head&Shoulders it could always go pear-shaped. And if the Brazilians kidnap his pooch, Freeway, it could turn into just how they met - murder! It can only be downhill from here peeps!
2. Glenda Johnson&Johnson - strange choice with Ditherfool already lining up his replacement in their squad this summer - what makes him a good choice? Experience? What of? Letting the title slip at the last hurdle? Oh, sorry - that was Stephanie Gerrardo. Perhaps it’s because Johnson&Johnson make Hart’s shampoo…Well, he’s worth it - oh, wait…
3. LeightonBuzzard Blaines - so one of Batman’s adversaries makes the squad. Ahead of such luminaries as AshtonKutchner ColestoNewcastle. Well at least Ash won’t have to watch John Terryble hitting on Cheryl all summer before he returns to Chels - oh wait - hasn’t he been dumped by the Blues as well? I predict an injury hit season for Blainesy next year as he returns from the competition to Europe and the Prem. Too many games, too little stamina.
4. Stephanie Gerrardo - why do England managers persist in this fantasy of Gerrardo and his live-in tournament love-chum Franko Lumpolard being the spine of England? After slipping up in the title race and hearing the news that Luis Sewerage is leaving Spamfield - the only player who could possibly bring Ditherfool the Prem this century - Stephanie needs to hang up his banana skins and retire. And after the terrible performance he’s about to subject us to this summer, he will.
5. Cary Boothill - solid choice and has proved to be one of the best centre-backs in the Prem - when he has a decent partner…
6. Phyllis Jagielkakakakaka - forget what I said about Cary Boothill. Even he won’t be able to carry Sicknote Phyllis for the 80 minutes he’ll limp through before injury hits him. Again. Risky choice Royston.
7. Jackelin Wilshere-asheep - Now we see why Royston named a 23 man squad - of physios. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
8. Franko Lumpolard - another player that even his own club don’t want next season. And he’s going to the biggest national tournament in the World. I just need to check I’ve got the correct list here - no, it’s right. This isn’t the South American Poker Stars Tour. Oh bugger…
9. Danielle Porridge - what an over-rated player - except in his own eyes. Wait till Luis Sewerage leaves Spamfield and the new strikers Brenda Divorcemedivorceme is buying come in, and we’ll see how much game-time this prima-donna gets. And how Chelski and Mantreasurechester City were right all along about him.
10. Waynetta Looney - the best English player in this squad? Hope he’s packed a massive backpack so he can carry the rest of the team all game every game.
11. Danielle Welbuggerme - no doubt this other over-rated ‘future hope of England’ will get plenty of column inches from slagging off Royston for playing him ‘out of his favourite position’- but only after Hodge-podge has been sacked at the end of the summer of course. Team game? Perish the thought…
12. Christine Smalltalent - why, oh why, oh why, oh why… Not good enough to play for Man Reunited, so they put him in an England shirt. Retards!
13. Handi-Bendi-Ghandi Fosterparent - shows the lack of depth in the English keeper department. Will keep Josephine’s seat warm at least - oh wait - it’s in Brazil…d’oh!
14. Jordan Hinderson - what price-tag? So over-rated that Which? gave him a negative scoring on their value rating. He must make a cracking cup of tea for Royston to be taking him.
15. Alexis Oxtailsoup-Chamberpot - if you want an Insane Bolt run-a-like to up your teams yardage stats over a game and prevent the rest of the mob looking like lazy gits, Alexis is your man - er, boy. Just keep the gate shut else he’ll be up the road and in the sweet-shop faster than you can blink. Needs reminding that he can’t wear his running spikes on the pitch.
16. Phyllis Jonesthesteam - is this really what the state of English football has come to? Can’t even muster an English surname! Tut, tut, tut…
17. Jane Milliner - solid midfielder and great hat-maker. Shame he’ll hardly feature as we sit and endure the Gerrardo-Lumpolard love-in.
18. Rickie Camembert - may shine like the star he’s got the potential to be if he gets some games and gets his head up in the box. Shame some ‘big’ team will scupper his career next season. Don’t believe me? Remember Rebrov, Jason Lee, Akinbiyi, Marlet, Bosko Balaban, Boogers and Guivarch? And I’m sure that Greyham Sourness will remember George Weah’s ‘cousin’ Ali Dia. More D’oh than a Warburton’s bread factory.
19. Raheem Sterling - another over-rated starlet who will rue Sewerage’s passing. Basically Danielle Porridge with pace. And ability. And personality.
20. Adam Llama - Rickie Camembert’s long-lost twin. His career will be in danger of following suit next season as well, as the Lout-hampton squad gets plundered for rough gems.
21. Rust Barkleysbank - Neverton’s new prodigal son. More courtiers than a Jordan wedding. Can he resist the big cash move that could scupper his career early on, and can he sustain his all-out full-on-football mantra during a campaign where he’ll be expected to pull England from the mire at every opportunity? Carrying an
ageing midfield is a massive task even with his undeniable talent. This kid won’t be able to win at this tournament - damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t.
22. Frasier Forstersambernectar - I think this guy must be the Designated Driver.
23. Luke Shaw - the only risky choice despite his obvious ability. Wait - what am I thinking? Royston’s picked a squad chock-full of liabilities and no-hopers. This kid will shine. Gems tend to when they’re buried in a pile of crap.
And that’s me view folks on the England squad. Disagree? Good on ya! Nowt like a spirit of open discussion and comment. And remember; this is my blog so I’m always right! LOL
Now, I’m gonna cast me eye over the new FA theory of how to encourage English players and youth in the leagues.
Y’all ready for this peeps?



Football Association chairman Greg Dyke outlines plans to introduce a division for Premier League 'B teams' beneath League Two. Fussball Dissociation chairbaker Greggs Bike decided that what footie needs is a new division consisting of Premier League 'B teams'. Despite the fact from mid-table downwards the Prem is already full of B teams.
The Fussball Dissociation commissars, namely Bike’s sidekicks Roland Rat and Kevin the Gerbil, reckon that this is to ‘improve English football and increase the number of homegrown players competing in the top flight’. How do these footballing geniuses plan on doing this you may ask. By implementing a new 'League Three' - their words - beneath League Two. This 'League Three', containing the 'B teams' would be ‘subject to promotion and relegation’.
To quote the pastie-man himself:
"We have had a lot of interest and enthusiasm from the big Premier League clubs about having B teams in a lower division. Liverpool, the Manchester clubs, Stoke, Tottenham have no problems in talking about it and recognise the problems they have got. They are spending lots of money on youth development but don't have anywhere for these players to play before the first team.” Insert your own punchline folks.
He went on to say that:
"It was agreed that by 2022 our target should be that there are 90 English players playing regularly in the top European leagues, compared with 66 today, and of those 90 we would want at least 30 playing in the top six teams." Keep those punchlines coming peeps.
Apparently, because this doesn’t already happen (?) the Fussball Dissociation commissars proposed loan partnerships between Premier League, Championship and lower league teams, as well as a reduction in non-homegrown players in top flight squads from 17 to 12 over five years. And this will benefit the England football team apparently, something that we will always have, cos it’s a national team. Every country has ‘em. Just because England don’t win bugger all, is that a reason to undermine the Premiership and its appeal to a world market? England still won’t win anything. The best English players will still move where they like for their own reasons. You only have to watch the Internationals to realise that pulling on that jersey when you know you’ll win bugger all isn’t what it used to be. Play for England or for the sponsorship deals and wages that Prem clubs pay? Interesting.
Weirdest point in all this is that they also put forward the idea that ‘no non-EU players should join clubs outside of the Premier League’. Surely this is discriminatory, xenophobic and restrictive to lower league clubs who already have everything the Prem and FA can do stacked against them. Encouraging grass-roots upwards? Get real!
And on that bombshell peeps, we go over to Louisa Sackbackandcrackville-Baggins’ undercover report from the England training camp ahead of their final preparation before the World Cup in Brazil.

A searching report I’m sure you’ll agree, and very enlightening.
I’ll be back soon with me World Cup build up from Braaaaaaaaaaaazil!
Tara for now peeps!