The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-macarena peeps! Dobbie ‘s back agen wi’ second part o’ this week’s double jeopardy - we’ve done Europe, now to that there Premier League o’ nations and the games from the last week as the final couple o’ scorching months kick in and it’s squeaky ares’ole time.
Let’s go from top to bottom o’ league and check out ‘ow each team’s done.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin first place we find Chelski. With no Prem game last weekend, it gave the chasing pack a chance to catch up a little, as the Blues took on Twittering Shitspurs for the first honours of the season. Romping home with this year’s first piece of silverware gave Joseki a grin like a Cheshire cat as he dead-fly-danced in front of the cameras afterwards. His team looked jaded after all the efforts of Sunday when they faced up to Best Sham later in the week, but after a great contest, they managed to leave with all 3 points to leave them still top of the table by 5 clear points, and that all-important game in hand. I spoke to Joseki after his tremendous achievements of the week. ‘Dobbie,’ he said, ‘I am a manager, I manage. Do I look like an Egg-head, or that I am on the Chase? No. I do not answer questions. This is not my job. But if you ask me to marry you, perhaps I will answer.’ Er, thanks Joseki, but, no.
Mantreasurechester City were in pole position to take advantage of the League Cup final and stake their place as contenders. With a mixed week of fixtures, they once more came up short against a driven and determined Ditherfool side in front of the Kop. As with many games this season, the Reds took the points with some sublime finishing, whilst City’s defenders looked, as all too often this season, confused and in disarray. Missing the opportunity must have rankled on the Blues as they watched Chelski return to Londinium with the silver, and in a pole position that still looked as solid as before. Fester City bore the backlash from City as they visited the Etmehat and shipped 2 more goals towards their negative GD. Chance dropped and triumphant Chelski with a game in hand - I asked Pellicani how he rated his chances. ‘I theeenk Dobbie, that the game is not afoot yet. There is time for us yet. We are running out of games. Points are there to be won. We keep losing games. Do you like David Silva? Yes? He is a beautiful creature isn’t he?’ Er, ok Manuel. See ya later dude.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin third place, the leader of the chasing pack, Arsenil. 4 points behind City now, they managed a brace in both their games to put paid to Neverton and PQRSTU, and even Oliver Gourd showed that the Chumpion’s League performance he put in was a mere blip. I asked Arsey Whinger about the striker’s hot/cold outings. ‘I see nothing. I was reading Black-eyed on my Kindle at the time that the incidents took place. It’s an excellent novel. You should pre-order now you know.’ Alright Arsey…
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin fourth place, a mere shade of a point behind Arsenil, Man Reunited managed another 2 clean sheets despite the shockingly shit defence they have, and managed to put 2 & 1 past Blunderland and Newcastle respectively. A good week in the North-East for the North-Westerners, despite periodically fielding the most over-rated player on the planet and paying him £300,000 a week for the privilege. A player who makes George Weah’s ‘cousin’ at Ditherfool look good (ask Graeme Soupness - he’ll tell you). Luis Van Hire is still delusional though. When I interviewed him he was buried behind a pile of illustrations and analysis charts showing how his team don’t pass more than the length of their bootlaces, and everyone else is guilty of dirty tactics and long-ball football not seen since Best Sham turned up at Old Knackered with binoculars. ‘You see Dobbie,’ he whined after the Pewkcastle game, ‘we play beautiful football. The rest are amateurs, who should go play at
Twickenham. I am always right. The rest are wrong. Here is a 300 page dossier to prove this.’ Thanks Luis - file in B1N…
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin fifth, and managing to slowly but surely claw their way within a few game’s points of the top 4 and Chumpion’s league status, are Ditherfool. After managing to sting Mantreasurechester City’s title hopes last weekend, they then put paid to BURnleY in their second game of the week at Spamfield. It will be interesting come season’s end just how many goals they have in the goal of the season competition. They only have to step over half-way and they’re lining up a shot. Brenda Rogerer told me after the game, ‘Dobbie, these home games are starting to piss me right off. At least when we play away, I can play away. Know what I mean?’ Oh yes, I certainly do Brenda, you dirty old man.
In sixth place, and hanging on Dithers’ coat-tails despite a week of mixed results, we have Louthampton. Their early season promise, as expected, has evaporated somewhat, and losing to Best Sandwich Albumen 1-0 before taking Chrysophase Palace down in identical fashion has shown a much truer placing as the run-in begins. They need to maintain results in the next shaky months as Spurs are growing stronger all the time, and they sit just behind them by a mere 2 points. I asked Ronald The Coalman his thoughts on the season’s accomplishments so far. ‘Hmmm. Dobbie, hmmm. Good, Hmmmm. And bad, hmmmmm. Dobbie, Hmmmm.’ Hmmmmm…
And so we find Twittering Shitspurs and the weird choices of Maurice Pottygeno. Dropping out of Europa League contention by benching ‘Arry Kanyewest. Fielding a bunch of superstars who looked like freeloaders on the pitch. Overlooking the talent in the ranks for overpaid prima-donnas. The guy’s a puzzle, inside an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum, surrounded by a dickhead. Spurs maintained their push for European footie next season after the disappointment of the League cup loss by battling a resolute Onesie to send them packing 3-2. Pottygeno refused to speak after the game. Thank the lord, as even his translator bores me senseless.
Mid-table starts at number 8, enough points to probably make them safe from relegation, but enough behind to rule out European football. Steak City head the pack, with an impressive 2 clean sheets against the car-crashes that are Dull City and Neverton, and 3 more goals in the plus column.
Mark Huge approached me after the Neverton game to ask, ‘Dobbie, does my bum look big in this?’ Of course not Sparky, of course not…
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin ninth, and the last team at that so-called safety threshold of 40 points, we find Onesie City who put paid to BURnleY’s weekend before travelling to Londinium and putting Spurs’ resolve to the test in an epic encounter. Unfortunately they left with only their pride, and no points.
Gary Monkfish cried on my shoulder afterwards. ‘Dobbie, it’s so hard for us boys from the valleys when we travel. Have you got any of those dusted travel sweets? No? Never mind. Tara for now.’ Oi! Monkfish! That’s my line!
Jekyll and Hyde team of the season, Best Sham, sit in the first double-digit spot, a major drop from their earlier promise. From European football to just a point from supposed safety, Big Spam’s team sum up the difficulties teams have faced this season. And don’t bet against them going down, cos from this point on, no-one’s safe. Losing 3-1 to Chrysophase Palace didn’t help their cause last weekend, particularly with a tricky tie at Shamford Bridge just days later. Despite the antics and
battling the Clarets put in Chelski still walked away with the points, leaving Big Spam with nought for his week’s work. How long before the knives are out for him on the terraces again? This season could end as a carbon copy of last season if Spam ain’t careful. He told me after the Chelski game, ‘We’re a good team Dobbie. I don’t play long ball. Honest. Kevin Nolan’s fit ain’t he?’ Er, no.
Whilst Best Sham are teetering on the brink, Pewkcastle can only wish for their safe position. 4 points behind, and results just not coming, the Pewks managed to nick a win against Nasty Vanilla who proved that new manager syndrome doesn’t always work, before losing narrowly to a lacklustre Man Reunited team in midweek. Start looking over your shoulders guys. John TobyCarvery approached me after the game. ‘Wanna buy some top quality sports goods Dobbie? All at great prices!’ I ran.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin twelth, we hit the sticky patch that is, believe it or not, the relegation dogfight. Five points behind the Pewks, only 8 points separate this next lot from the relegation places themselves. These are the real sinking sands of the Prem, and expect much excitement and movement up and down in this quagmire before the final day.
Top of this pile we find Chrysophase Palace, narrowly above Best Sandwich Albumen on GD. Both teams have gained new managers of late, changes which have had the desired effect. Palace put Best Sham to the sword at the weekend, before travelling to the coast and losing narrowly to the Louts. Mixed results but improved performances. Albumen meanwhile turned over the Louts themselves before being beaten in the Derby by a suddenly firing Nasty Vanilla, leaving them 2 points clear of Neverton in 14th. Both managers refused to speak to me after the game, although Palace’s Pugilist Pards offered me out, whilst Albumen’s Tony Pullet offered me a chicken pie. No thanks Tone, I suddenly feel a touch of veganism coming on…
A mere single point separates each of the next four teams from the team above, as they rest on the bottom 3. Neverton lead the pack after an abysmal week - 2 away games, two 2-0 losses to Arsenil and Steak City. Unless they halt the slide now, the Toffees will be visiting the Chumpionship next season. Roberteo Martini-shaken-not-stirred told me after the game, ‘We keep losing Dobbie. Why is that do you think?’ Er, because you can’t score and you can’t defend, dimwit.
Dull City come next, and despite taking a point from Blunderland midweek, losing to a resurgent Steak last weekend still leaves them precariously balanced. Stevie Bruciebonus asked me, ‘Does my nose look big in this face?’ Er, not at all mate…
The points Blunderland dropped against Dull City leave them trailing in their wake, too close to the dropzone for comfort. Added to their 2-0 loss to Reunited last weekend, and Adam Johnstonepainttrophy’s banishment for playing with the under-16s, things are starting to look decidedly scary for Gus Pointless and his Blunders. ‘Know any good lawyers?’ he asked after the game. Nope. You’re fucked mate.
Sweating like a fat bastard in a Lycra sumo-suit on an army assault course, we find Timmy Derwood’s Nasty Vanilla a mere game’s win-points above the drop. Nervous ain’t the word for this bunch. After losing again - to Pewkcastle, Derwood bought a load of tacky Geordie merchandise and travelled home, where he stunned Albumen with his totally poor Chav taste and nicked 2 goals while they were recovering on the touchline. The 3 points keeps them above the drop-zone just, but everyone’s
wise to his tricks now and what’s the bet that their next opponents turn up in purple shell-suits? ‘Ere guv, innit. Gertcha, Dobbstaaaaaaaar,’ he shouted after the game as he chased me down the Bullring. Knobhead.
And so we enter the purgatory that is - dum, dum, duuuuuum! - the Relegation zone. In pole position we have PQRSTU, but only on GD, despite the game in hand which, let’s face it; does anyone expect them to win it? With Nasty Vanilla the only team down their end of the table to play in the next 6, they really need to perform miracles if they’re not to return to Chumpionship oblivion. With Chris Ramseystreet at the helm currently, I don’t see any wine to water moments on the horizon. Chris asked me for help, but unfortunately I’m drying my hair for the rest of the season.
We now reach that penultimate drop place, and find BURnleY on the cusp of being BURYd back in the lower leagues. They may be in this position on GD, but they’ve also played a game more than PQRSTU. 2 losses this week to Onesie at home and the Dithers away haven’t helped their cause any. Admittedly they’ve put up a plucky fight this season, and never claimed to be anything more than enjoying the ride, unlike some of the other delusional retards in the league. Games are running low though, and the qualities just aren’t there to keep them up. It’ll be interesting to see who gets plundered from this squad in the next transfer window… Shaun The Sheep Deichmann’sshoes offered me Tommy Heaton for a fiver after the game. Sounds like a bargain to me. I just need to shift this pile of shitty Arsenil keepers and Simon Mignonfillet first though…
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand so we finally hit rock bottom, where we find the disaster that is Fester City, 4 points behind. That game in hand may as well not exist. Having a weekend rest may have helped other teams, but when your next fixture is Mantreasurechester City at the Etmehat, you know you’re fucked. And they were. And still are. And will be right till the final day when they return chastened but richer to the Chumpionship. I tried to catch Neil Pears-soap after the loss, but he was busy online booking his Easter hols. Away from Fester…
And that’s it peeps! No real surprises at the bottom when you consider how long those 3 have been in the Prem…but shenanigans aplenty to come at the top and in the fight for Europe. It’s gonna be fun!
I’ll be back early next week to recap the Prem games from the FA Cup weekend (eh?).
See you soon peeps! If you see Sid, tell him I sent you!