The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Wahay peeps! Dobbie’s back and firing on all cylinders once more! Apologies for me absence last week-me old tendinitis flared up again added to me old back injuries - crazy really - I spend 300 years playing awesome footie at the top level, and it’s the old ballroom dancing injuries that lay me low all the time. All that heavy lifting of Lisa Riley I reckon, and the Samba, shaking me maracas don’t’cha know!
But I’m back on me fleet feet and ready to pummel the punditry once more. Y’all ready for this?
Saturday lunchtime saw the coming together of 2 Londinium giants in one of the bitterest rivalries of the Prem. Shite Fart Lame saw an awesome clash, full-bloodied and old-school, as Twittering Shitspurs hosted the Arse-nil. No quarter was given or taken by either team, and after last week’s slaying of Nasty Vanilla, the Gooners must have thought their 1 goal lead was gonna be the deciding factor in this encounter. Oh, you silly things, as David Bowie didn’t sing once upon a time. Does anyone ever understand that with Ericson Mobile and Harry Kanye-west in the Spurs side, no-one is safe? Kanye-west took his tally up another 2 notches as he broke red hearts all over Londinium, putting in a display that proves continually that Pottygeno messed up at the start of the season by trying to play his bought-in superstars - snigger - when he had a home-grown superstar already in the ranks. The boy done good - as will be demonstrated with Roy Dodgeson - present at the game yesterday - when he announces his next England squad. Watch this space peeps!
After the Spurs put Arsey’s mob to the sword, we saw more unreal shenanigans as Nasty Vanilla finally managed to put the ball in the right net - and against Joseki’s Chelski! The words ‘We should be ashamed’ were surely muttered under Joseki’s breath as the ball entered the onion bag. Chelski mimicked Spurs and finally ran out 2-1 winners, but conceding to Vanilla? Not exactly shaky defending but not as watertight as I’m sure Joseki would like it…
Luckily for Chelski, Mantreasurechester City also played dumb, literally, and conceded at home to Dull City, a team going down faster than a cheap whore in happy hour. The Blue City eventually took a point, but they’re relinquishing their title in a quite appalling and alarming display of ineptitude. Pellicani must be pulling his grey hairs out by the handful. With these performances, next week’s Chumpion’s League game will be their season-defining performance. Let’s wait and see which City turn up - or don’t as the case may be…
Fester City’s Prem status took another blow at home as they went down to the single goal against an impressively resurgent Chrysophase Palace. Nobody would bet against Palace staying up now that the new man has stabilised the ship. The problem is, if Palace manage the miracle of survival, it will be at someone else’s expense. There’s gonna be a lot of teams looking over their shoulder nervously in the next few months, mark my words.
Another team suffering hiccups of late, Louthampton, also stabilised the ship, away to QPRSTU. Okay, so the Louts huffed and puffed and nicked an incredibly late winner as the opposition were leaving the field, but a win’s a win especially at the pointy end of the season. Not that anyone expected any other result what with the Hoops’ performances this season - both on and off the pitch. Hairy Redcap and half the backroom boys have now left through the exit doors, leaving all and sundry wondering once again just what the hell is going on there. Answers on a postcard please to Mr T. Sherwood esquire, c/o Loftus Road.
After stunning the Louts last week with a quite frankly stunning Shelving strike from 300 yards, Onesie took on the Blunders of Blunderland and fought out a tetchy affair that saw much action, and not just of the footballing variety. It may have been a draw again, but at least the Blunders weren’t last on MOTD for once…
If the Londinium derby at Shite Fart Lame was match of the day, the derby on Merseyside was the antithesis of entertainment. Neverton may be misfiring at present, but when the red neighbours come calling, they gird their loins and battle as if they were playing at Waterloo. Goals - nil. Entertainment - nil. Back to Europe next week for both teams in the knock-out phases. Let’s see how much of an effect it has on both team’s season run-ins.
Sunday lunchtime saw another epic battle as BURnleY hosted Best Sandwich Albumen in another full-on encounter that swung one way then the other. The Clarets have a habit of starting great, grabbing a brace, and then disappearing off home for their tea. By midway through the second half they’d yet again squandered a 2 goal lead, letting the Albumen off the hook and hanging on for dear life. By the end, even the unlucky Bear-a-grudge-hino couldn’t finish the job, leaving both teams frustrated, relieved and with a point. BURnleY still struggle, but WBA ain’t doing much better.
Shortly after the sighs were let out at Tuff Moor, The Pewks hosted Steak City at the home of Sports Direct HQ. Unsurprisingly neither could break the deadlock despite netting a goal each. With the Pewks money, and Steak a constant mid-table team, this wasn’t likely to be a fire-starting game. Although Mad Ashley doesn’t help his team, sending half the squad to his Pewkastle B team on loan - that’s DeRangeders for all you Scots out there. He’s gonna regret his shenanigans, mark my words.
Final game of the weekend saw yet another laugh-fest as the amazing story that is Big Sham’s Phoenixes led Man Reunited until yet another last gasp equaliser saved Louis Van Hire from even more abuse than he got. When’s the daft sod gonna realise that Looney and Van Persil could be the best strike partnership in the Prem, and the Millennium Falcao ain’t worth Sunday League wages, let alone the ridiculous sum he’s getting? He’s making David The Chosen One (until next week) Moyles look good. But they won’t get rid, because he’s too big a name, and admitting they were wrong twice (once by sacking Moyles so disgustingly mid-season, and buying the shit they have who just haven’t delivered). Delusion reigns at Mouldy Trafford once more. Champions next season? Winning the Chumpion’s League within 3 seasons? Fuckwit!
As for West Sham - where are all the head-hunters who wanted Big Sham out? Bit bloody quiet ain’t it? Oh how Man Reunited must be wishing they’d got Sham instead the Shambles they did get. Bring on Tony Pulis - he’ll keep ‘em up! Guffaw!
And that’s it peeps! It’s a shorter weekend of games this weekend due to the games coming thick and fast during mid-week now, and no Monday night game to rip to shreds, like a Vanilla defence.
See you soon peeps!