The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Down Barbie - down girl. Wahay peeps! I’m back again! The Dobster returns!
Tonight’s part 2 or ‘d’uh’ as the Frenchies say, of me awesome blog on the Prem since I’ve been away sha - I mean, sunbathing an’ swimming like.
In this ‘ere bit, I’m gonna be looking at the almost-rans from 17 to 6.
So, at 17 this week pop-pickers, is Neverton; always the bridesmaid, but couldn’t score 3 points in a 30mph zone at the minute. Boy are these guys underperforming. If Elvis had underperformed like this, he’d ‘ave been called Rylan Knobjockey. After last season’s nosebleed heights, everyone thought they’d kick-on. Neverton decided to be as unpredictable as ever. Looking at their results and the teams they’ve taken points from compared to those they’ve dropped points too, you can only think that Roberto Martini’s world is a little topsy-turvy. Bloody entertaining though!
At 16 we find that rear-end cut of prime beef, Steak City. Mid-table anonymity is nothing new to this lot; with 2 wins, 2 draws and 3 losses, they’re heading for the same finish as last season. And the one before. And the one before that. And the one…zzzzzzzzzzz.
Chrysophase Palace have the same run as results as Steak, but sit one place higher, at 15, due to GD. A change of manager may have injected a whimsical and utterly hilarious sense of self into the team, leading to a run of results that make Neverton’s look stable. It won’t last, and by Christmas, I predict they’ll be sinking back towards the Chumpionship.
At 14, in the middle of the 8 point clubs, we find Best Sandwich Albumen. An insipid start to the campaign that rang alarm bells seems to have been halted by Irvine and the boys look like they’re starting to believe in themselves as much as their delusional fans do. I predict a high mid-table finish if they keep key players fit.
Blunderland top the 8 point club, and are probably over-achieving due to being the masters of draw. Bet they’re glad that Di Canofsoupio fooked off though. With Gus in charge, they may just stabilise and stay up. Maybe. Too many injuries at the back and they’ll plummet like a dead thing plummeting from the big blue thing overhead.
In at 12 we find Fester City, another team with a smattering of differing results so far. Still early days, and as the season continues they’ll no doubt suffer from becoming too familiar to the seasoned veterans of the Prem who’ll have worked them out by the return legs. It’s gonna be a long, hard second half to the season for the crisp-nickers.
Dull come in at 11 - or is it Bull? Mull? Skull? Zull…no; that was the weird bad guy in Ghostbusters weren’t it? I digress. As does the owner who’s out on Clive Sullivan Way every match day trying hawk his shares to the lowest bidder - sorry - ANY bidder. And all because he can’t change their name to Dull Dickheads. All the shenanigans off the pitch aren’t distracting this bunch of fighters though - in 11th place at this early stage, average results and a 0 GD. They’d have taken that after 7 games when the season started, I’ll bet. Good luck to ‘em I say - show that the money-men aren’t the answer to good old battling English footie. Tossers.
Just touching cloth in the top 10 we find Nasty Vanilla. Please go down. Immediately. Do not pass GO, do not stop to get your personal belongings. Just fook off to the Chumpionship where you belong. I hate you.
Number 9 finds Ditherfool, the team everyone (including them) thought would be fighting for the title. Although all is not lost for the Fools, as they sit amongst a throng of teams all on 10 points. As the games rack up, the results will come, and by the end they’ll be there or thereabouts, and deffo in the Chumpions League next season. Just don’t tell Spurs…
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaat 8! We have another 10 point team - Whinger Wenger’s Arse-nil; more draw merchants. They’ll be struggling to make top 4 if they don’t pull ‘emselves together soon. Come in Arsenic, your time is up. Taxi for Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinger!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 7! It’s… hang on - I’m reading this wrong. Surely. Surely? West Sham???? Bugger me backwards with Pretorius’ prosthetics! What is the world coming to???? Moving quickly on…
Finally for tonight, we hit the number 6 spot, level on points with some of the teams in the top 5, but still short on the sparkle required to break into it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Twittering Shitspurs! Lack of goals scored will be the problem for this shower this season, but Penicillin has the ability to get them close to the Chumps League by the end.
And that’s it for tonight folks! I’ll be back tomorrow wi’ the top 5. Stay tuned as Slash would not say!
I’m off now for a drink wi’ Barbie - she’s promised me a Ham Shandy.
Ciao for now peeps!