The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Aye carumba peeps! A day late peeps but I’m back. Delays caused by man-flu have held me awesome blog up, but I’m back on form and firing on all cylinders! I reckon it were that designer lubricant that Barbie rubbed into me chest that did it. DKNYKY I think it were called…
Anyway, on wi’ the footie!
Aston Vanilla did Paul Lambretta no favours by playing with 10 men after Dickedson got himself sent off for a crazy challenge on Sausageson. They played most of the game that way against a frankly bloody poor Best Sandwich Albumen team that struggled, at home, to look like a Prem outfit. At this rate and with more performances like this, they soon won’t be. A scrappy goal by - of course - old Vanilla stalwart Constant Gardener saw off the Vanillans in the end, but the fans were robbed of their ticket price and any entertainment early on. It’ll be a Midlands relegation derby at this rate if they don’t sort themselves out.
As Best Sham took on Blunderland at the Stadium of Shite, reffing decisions and diving again reared their ugly heads. When Johnson&Johnson wa decapitated by William Wallace in the box, Big Spam obviously thought that the rain had wet the ref’s hair and blinded him, so he gave him the hairdryer from the touchline. To no avail, as the Blunders scored the pen and then proceeded to park 10 artics and a plastic pig in the goalmouth. Sham eventually broke through but ultimately left the north with a single point and frustrated as a pig in a poke.
At the Kung Po stadium, an under-par Mantreasurechester City struggled to break down another of the Prem’s lightweights in Fester City. They eventually broke the deadlock, but look like the injury list is beginning to rival their team list. It could be decisive in the coming weeks with key players down; it’ll be interesting to see what, if any, effect it has on the title race. Joseski must be silently laughing to himself.
Yet another lightweight draw was fought out between Chrysophase Palace and Steak City down in Londinium. Warring Wancock may be canny, but is he canny enough to keep Palace in the league another season? It remains to be seen peeps!
Dull City visited the bright lights of the capital and were given a lesson in how to play, as Chelski made easy work of a team devoid of much talent, and Tom Humberstone after his red card for naughtiness. Joseski played Tom Daly and his partner up front, and the canny little nipper proved effective at aquaplaning across the pitch on his belly after a double-pike and tuck combination. These tactics won’t gain them many admirers, but the ref gave them 6.3 for effort.
Shaun Dichs’ boys stayed home and picked Louthampton’s pocket of all three points. The Louts have dropped like a stone after a good start - we expected their games nearer to Christmas to get tougher and effect their league position with starting the season with easy fixtures, but to lose to a settling BURnleY side? The Flying Dutchman won’t have liked that. The Louts should be safe in mid-table by season’s end, but can BURnleY do the impossible and not get BURYed back in the Chumpionship next year? Oh, the excitement!
Pugilist Pards’ lot travelled to the Emeroids and got their resurgent arses handed to them by Arse-nil and a strangely firing Oliver Gourd. The guy’s an enigma. He looks like he can’t be arsed, but his finishing is top class. I seriously believe that if he could be bothered to put the effort in, he’d be a top class striker. Go figure… Arsey’s lot ran out 4-1 winners, proving that although they’ve been pretty
crap this season, there’s life in the old dog yet. As for Pewkastle - this ain’t a result to start the Christmas period with. Anyone for an early hangover?
If Pards was pissed, Brenda must have been paralytic by the time they left Old Shafted on Sunday. At least he won’t starve - not with the egg on his face and humble pie he’s been fed this season after selling Sewerage and ‘strengthening’ - pardon me while I laugh my socks off and back on again - his defence rather than buying a striker. Rely on one striker to remain fit all season so you can challenge for the title? The answer was there for all to see - Ditherfool pretty much played Man Reunited off the pitch on their own ground, and couldn’t finish. 3-0 didn’t flatter the Reunited strike-force which, to be honest, makes the Dither’s attack look like schoolboys. Even if Shazam Sterling is 20 now.
In Sunday’s other game, Onesie hit Twittering Shitspurs early in what was probably the most entertaining game of the weekend. Spurs eventually hit back, but no-one could be sure which way this one was going to turn before the end. And then the inevitable deja-vu moment. Have I said that before? Anyway, up pops Sony Erikson in the 89th minute yet again with a winner, and Spurs robbed the points, leaving Monkfish scratching his head as to how he didn’t have any points out of the afternoon’s efforts. That’s football Monkey!
Final game was on Monday night at ShouldISon?Park where PQRSTU were the visitors. Neverton took an age to settle, but gradually made 68% possession count when Barclaycard ran from the pie stand and smashed a leftie into the top corner. This still didn’t make the Toffees look safe, until Mirablis spotted that PQRSTU had put a Hobbit in the right side of the wall and as Bilbo tried desperately to nod the free-kick away, he inadvertently diverted it into the opposite corner. Bet Hairy Feet Gandalf Redcap confiscates his pipeweed… Going in 2-0 down at half-time seemed too much for the hoops, who managed to pull a goal back in the second half, but the damage was already done and Neverton eventually looked comfortable with 3 goals and 3 points to halt their slide down the table. Adelle Fatboy Tarabt needs to put down his microphone and pie and get back to training - Hairy Redcap will need him before the season’s out if this dross is all PQR can muster.
That’s it peeps for now!
Next week is the final weekend fixtures before the Christmas run-in to New Year - can’t wait!
With Mantreasurechester City and Chelski seemingly the only teams with any level of consistency in results (and City haven’t been that great), points and positions are gonna be up for grabs before New Year’s over. It’ll be interesting to see the shape of the table when this fortnight’s done and dusted - especially compared to its shape now!
I’m salivating already!
See ya later peeps!
Tara for now!