The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Yo yo yo peeps - tis Dobbie bouncing back wi' me brand new Euro blog, looking at the beautiful game in that melting pot across t'ocean.
So ‘old onto yer britches, cos here we go folks!
Mantreasurechester City went to Moscow and got a cold reception in a stadium that was supposed to be empty, but had opposition fans in it. How the hell does that work? Good old EUFA yet again - they seem to get it mixed up no matter what... Anyway, City pummelled CSKA for 45 minutes and scored a couple of decent goals. Then went home, it seems, as the Ruskies pulled back the deficit to earn a hard won point and leave The Pelican gnashing his teeth in frustration. Speaking after the game in a downtown Russian strip joint, he told me; "It was supposed to be behind closed doors, Dobbie. What were they thinking letting reds into the stadium? I know the cold war's over, but those pesky commies are still cheating. Me and Scooby are gonna get them after this, you'll see!" And they call me deranged peeps...
Chelski kept up the winning streak by dismantling Malibu - I didn't even know the island had a beach soccer team! They were so far above the level of the opposition that I thought I was watching a Lilliputian civil war! Another record broken on their way to qualifying for the knockout phase, and with the return leg to come next, unless the islanders make them play on the beach, Chelski will no doubt net another hatful. Joseski told me after the game, over a glass of the old vino, "Dobbie - I love you." He may have been a bit pissed by this point...
Arsey Whinger should be happy now that he's managed a win in Europe, beating the 'mighty' Anderlecht. Although the defence was still breached yet again in a season that's proving that if he can't get the Goonies playing like Barca in midfield and upfront, he maybe should have spent more cash on his defensive ranks. Poor Arsey - he just can't seem to get it right, even after 300 years in the job. As Arsey complained to me in the changing room afterwards, "Bloody refs, bloody decisions, bloody foreigners, bloody leaves on the line..." I fell asleep and missed the rest...
Brenda Rogers from the 18th century did a Lois Van Hire I see, bigging up his team in the press before the Madrid game. Told them all they could become Kop legends. Yeah right. Hours later they had their arses handed to them on a plate; Madrid 3 up at halftime and cruising so much that they ended up taking Ronaldo McDonaldo off. To be honest, they could have got away with not bringing a sub on to replace him, they were that much in control. Legends my arse! Brenda cried into his piss pot as he said, "Dobbie - is it cos I is Welsh?" "No," I replied, sympathetically. "it's because you're a twat."
That's it for the results in the Chumpion's League. Now for a look at the tables and see how the Brits are faring so far...
Ditherfool need to perform in their remaining fixtures as they sit in 3rd place, on the same points as 2 other rivals who they are gonna have to beat to stand any chance of qualifying for the knock-out stages.
Arse-nil are looking good for qualification in 2nd place - but may want to beat Dortmund to avoid a tough encounter in the first knock-out stage.
Mantreasurechester City are looking the most at peril, with Bayern odds-on to win the group. It'll be 1 from 3 for 2nd place and with City's track record in Europe being less than impressive, it's gonna be a tough ask.
Finally, Chelski should undoubtedly qualify from their group, and if they can avoid any arrogant slip-ups, should win it. Mourinho's track record of super success at 2nd time of asking for his previous clubs is well on, erm, track, for continuing with the love-child of Abramomomomovich.
Now we take a look at the British teams fighting it out in the pit of despair that is the Europa league.
First, we saw Neverton taking on the whole of Lilliput it seems before playing their local team. After a hard evening fighting in France, they finally got to the stadium for kick-off... Where a toothless Neverton were thwarted by a lone defender; a Dane who sounds South African. But he doe
sn't Kir... Lilliput were just as toothless, but an entertaining game in midfield left both teams better than pointless, and with honours even. Robierto was crowing after the game - "See Dob - we don't score OGs every game!"
Later in the evening we saw the remaining Brits in the competition, both at home. Twittering Shitspurs hosted the mighty Asterix Triplets; so mighty that the 3 of them, aided by Obelix in goal and Geriatrix up front, managed to get themselves Kaned in the Pamela show. If Pammy can play as crap as that and still score 2 crackers like he did, he's got a bright future ahead of him. And there's definitely something about Harry that's making the fans mad about him. But it ain't his butterfingers. Next time Dorris gets himself sent off, I doubt if PottyGino will call on Harry to fill his onion bag again. England fans can only hope that Roy doesn't rush him into the full team too fast, as on his European form, he's definitely one for the future. I spoke to him in the shower after the game. "Pass us the Timotei," he said.
Meanwhile, whilst this debacle was playing out in London, at the other end of the country Celtic were playing against the other Asterix twins, Asterix GeorgeMichaelix. And letting a 2 goal lead slip to leave them frantically trying to hold onto all 3 points, which they just about did. At home. To a frankly quite rubbish team. Oh dear. It's gonna be a rough qualifying run at this point for the Celts. I spoke to the Asterix manager afterwards. He happily and eloquently told me "$€(÷¥!/ %&*÷(#!: ₩¥?=&/(_€" No, me neither peeps.
Now, a look at the tables shows us Neverton in prime position to keep qualification hopes alive as long as they avoid any silly losses. Both Shitspurs and the Celts are in strong positions, level pegging with their nearest rivals - they just need to stay calm and keep going, and both should make the next stages of the competition.
And that completes me mega Euro roundup from round Europe. (EH?).
I'LL BE BACK - as Sarnie sez - wi' me epic Prem roundup on Tuesday night.
See yaz then peeps! For now, enjoy this EXCLUSIVE interview of Roy Rogers Dodgeson explaining his Euro team choices to the Italian press.

Now, come 'ere Barbs wi' them watermelons...