The Premier League Gardens!

Hello, hello, and welcome back to The Gardens on this final day of Premiership action!



We have with us Mr Dobbie Savage, lying on his lilo of insight beside the pond of Prem.



Welcome Dobbie; what fascinating facets of bejewelled knowledge do you bring us to gorge on tonight?




Ay-up Russ! Good to be back after watching me beloved Derby in awesome action tonight!

Well, me old mucker, I'm here to sum up the shenanigans of the final day in the three-legged Prem race, and cast me augurs for next season.



So mate, the Prem title went to Mantreasurechester City and Sheikh Yormoneymaker. I predicted this last August if yaz remember. Shame for Ditherfool who pulled out the win they needed after an early scare. Maybe next year; not.





The final table looked a bit like this mate:

Champions	Mantreasurechester City
2	Ditherfool
3	Chelski
4	Arse-nil
5	Neverton
6	Tittering Shitspurs
7	Manchester Re-United
8	Lout-hampton
9	Steak City
10	Newcastle Brown Ale
11	Chrysophase Palace
12	One-sie City
13	Best Sham United-but-not-behind-Sam
14	Blunderland
15	Nasty Vanilla
16	Dull City
17	Best Sandwich Albumen
18	Norwich & Peterborough Building So-shitty
19	Dulham
	And introducing The biggest loser - Tardyff City

Now let’s have a look at each team during the last season and what I expect from them next season:

Mantreasurechester City

These boys have shown their team ethic, camaraderie and true grit again this season, bouncing back from the disappointment of last season. I see them going from strength to strength to become a real European power. They just need to win the CL to cement their legendary status. Champions again next season.

Ditherfool

Over-achieved with a magnificent effort that will make the CL teams wonder next season. But when Luis Sewerage leaves in a massive money deal, the man who carries the team season after season, despite Stevie GG claiming his legs are fine for another season, will be pivotal. After a disappointing World Cup performance this summer, I doubt if he'll carry on when he sees the lack of real quality coming into the squad. Finish 5th next season.

Chelski

Abba-morish and Jose Chelski finished with a bare cupboard - unheard of. This will rankle the Russian and the Not-so-special-no-more-one-of-a-dozen. Expect some wheelings and dealings and Chelski coming back stronger than ever after a good clear-out. 2nd, but make a race of it.

Arse-nil

Past masters of failure with naught to show again. Delusional fans are still bigging up Oliver Gourd but if he's a top class striker, so's my Mum. One player to make them contenders? Messup Persil could never carry this shower of sick-notes on his own. Wenger needs to wake up and smell the league passing him by or sod off to the J-League. More slippage behind the top teams next season but a valiant 6th behind Ditherfool. How the mighty unbeatables have fallen.

Neverton

Unbelievable season when so many thought they'd struggle (me included). Over-achievers extraordinaire but will always be bridesmaids without serious, serious investment - and Billy Kenwood ain't got it. The Martini-shaken-not-stirred revolution will continue next season, and over-achieve to 4th. The following season will see the predicted dip that the Champion's League entails.

Tittering Shitspurs

How can one club get it so wrong? If it weren't for the debacle at Man Re-united this season, these would have been the laughing stock of the league (even ahead of Tardyff-fa-fa). Sherwood will be gone with some other clueless and over-rated foreigner in his place. Bale must be laughing his socks off (despite losing 2-0 tonight to throw the title away). Spurs are going one way now - they have no more jewels to sell for investment, and as seen this season, if they won the lottery (again) they wouldn't know how to spend it. Clueless from top to bottom. 7th.

Manchester Re-United

Embarrassing how the mighty have fallen but the hubris and mockery will bring them back stronger. They may have a financial base built on quicksand, but football wise they should be back investing wisely and rebuilding as they have done so many times before. Main bonus for them is that Sir Phallix is still there. 3rd.

Lout-Hampton

Another over-achiever due to a great manager of mediocre teams and several stunning jewels. Unfortunately they won't keep them. Spend wisely - and who knows? Do a Spurs - and fight relegation. Jury is out. Should be mid-table.

Steak City

Always tough at home, they strangely turned this around this season for some reason. Odd. Back true to form after a season settling under Mark Huge. Upper-mid-table.

Newcastle Brown Ale

Actually performed like a bunch of drunks this season stumbling from one disaster to another. The retard of an owner is once more promising big change and big signings. Probably all from the Moldovan league this year. Yawn. Please go back to the Championship and let someone who knows and likes football take over 'cos you're embarrassing us now with all these 'world-class Frenchmen'. Not. Relegation (I pray).

Chrysophase Palace

Only Peregrine Falcon at Mantreasurechester City can beat Pullthis to manager of the season surely? Palace's bar bill must be minute with the way Tony turns water to wine. What he'll do with this pack of disparities next season only he knows, but I see much coming and going of B list players. Mid-table should be easily achievable for him after this one.

One-sie City

Monkfish may be One-sie through and through but I bet even he didn't see that coming. Good job done under hard circumstances. But what for next season? Any investment? Will they trust him next season? I think we'll see a lack of Welshness in the Prem soon if this lot aren't careful. Fighting relegation but safe.

Best Sham United-but-not-behind-Sam

If Old and Dullivan capitulate to 73% of the fans wishes and sack Big Sam Gamgee, they're fools. This guy knows Premier League survival like the back of his hand. Remember, this is only one of 2 ring-bearers to resist the Dark Lord. With faithful Sam; mid-table. Without; Championship all the way - no other fool would step into Sam's shoes for those idiots.

Blunderland

Another candidate for manager of the season. Unfortunately has an ageing, B list and inadequate group of players who won't get so lucky next season. Major investment, clear-out and strengthening required. If not - fighting relegation all the way with Gas gone by New Year.

Nasty Vanilla

Lambleg needs a job in the Prem - the Scottish Prem. Randy Wiener needs to sort his head out and sort his squad out. This lot are going down eventually but they just don't know it yet. Fighting relegation but pull it off late-on.

Dull City

With fans who support name changes when they get the cash and get promoted, then revolt against the name change (though only 1000 of 11000 season tickets could be bothered to vote) when they struggle in the Prem, this lot are where they deserve to be. Stevie BB Gun may be a good man in this situation but he's not a big team manager, and doesn't hang around too long. Relegation if they don't sort themselves out and get some unity and decent players instead of plundering cast-offs.

Best Sandwich Albumen

More bizarre managerial shenanigans. Why oh why? Another team that needs to focus AND invest else they'll be Championship stalwarts for decades to come. Get your shit sorted or get out guys.

Norwich & Peterborough Building So-shitty

Two words: Chris-Houston-we-have-a-problem & embarrassing.

Two more: good & riddance.

PS: note to Delila Delia - don't rely on ex-Scunthorpe strikers to save your arse in future.

Dulham

Hmmmm. Thinks: what have the relegated teams got in common this season? Manager stability? NO! The fact that this lot have been in the Prem so long makes it more embarrassing that the Norwich & Peterborough finished above them. They won't be seen in the Prem again. Ever.

And introducing The biggest loser - Tardyff City

In years to come, sports science degree students will write theses on this lot's long stay in the Prem - and still not figure it out. Vincent Suntan-no-sense. Having him take over the decision-making process is like throwing a lead life-belt to a sack of drowning kittens. One word sums up this Championship team's season - D'oh!

That's it folks. I'll be back tomorrow with news of the England squad for Brazil.

I'm off now to the training camp - wish me luck!