The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Nar then peeps, tis I, Lord Dobster, back to share me ace punditry wi’ thee once more. Now that all that funny business of the Euro qualifiers is o'er, it's time to get back to the strange happenings in that there Prem.
And what happenings peeps! Where to start?
Mantreasurechester City kept up their chase of Chelski by destroying Twittering Shitspurs - or rather, Sergio Aggro did. What a player! If only he were English - what couldn’t he do for the national team? City need to keep this boy fit and firing on this form. Golden boot by Christmas if he does.
Twittering's defence needs a canoe though, they were that much at sea trying to stem the onrushing tide of City 's attack. They'll not repeat their European adventure next year on this form.
Arse-nil also showed their lack of defensive depth and an outright ineptness by only just squeaking a last gasp equaliser against the mighty Dull/Zull/Null/Full - whatever the hell they're called this week. Guess the owner's not managed to offload 'em yet...Good to see Arsey Whinger's not lost his sense of humour - or perspective. Or grip on reality. Seriously, how can he expect his totally biased opinion on decisions to be given any respect or attention when he whines like a little kid and spouts the blinkered comments of a desperate politician. Cock.
BURnleY got BURied once again by the resurgent West Shambles. What the hell does Sam put in their half-time tea?! The undisputed Survivor King of relegation dogfighting seems to perform miracles in these situations. The heady heights they're at now won't last long, but even when the wheels come off after Christmas, this awesome and totally unexpected start will keep them from the drop. And on the bright side for BURnleY, at least they managed to score this week...
Chrysophase Palace hosted the mighty Chelski and gave them a hell of a game, but ended up going down to the odd goal of 3. Chelski remain unbeaten, top of the league, and looking good. I wouldn't be surprised if they made it to Christmas unbeaten...
Neverton finally realised that scoring goals ain't enough - if you keep getting scored on yourself more than a cheap whore, and set Prem records for OGs, you're going home more pointless than Xander and Richard. Shame to see Vanilla getting a pasting, which they thoroughly deserved by the way, despite their place in Toffee history as a Nemesis for the Blues. Twats.Vanilla for the Chumpionship I say. Please God…
Stop press! The Messiah has returned! All is well at Sport Direct Head Office - or St James' Park as football fans know it. The Pugilist has finally managed to fluke a win with his rabble. It came at Fester's cost, who should have put the game to bed too many times for counting. Once again it's a case of teams without consistent and quality finishing. You only need to concede one to lose, especially if the strike-force you have couldn't hit a barn door with a shovel. Although to be fair, some of the open goals and howlers that were seen this weekend weren't just the lesser names of the game. Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! For Mr Baloteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelliìiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Steak City went and beat Onesie in a tetchy affair. So tetchy that Gary got a Monk on with Jesus. Or was it Moses? Anyway, he'll be in the stands for a few weeks, as we all know that the football authorities don't like accusations of cheating. Or nepatism. Or being dodgy in any way. When is the World Cup in Qatar by the way?
Can someone explain to Gus Pointless that your outfield players face away from your own goal, not towards it. The Blunders spent more time going backwards on Saturday than the Italian tanks when Patton showed up. Any team that can ship 8 goals to Ditherfool reserves - or Louthampton as they're commonly called - deserves to play on Sunday mornings only. In the park. At the local rec. With all the chavvy kids from the estate. With a rolled up newspaper.for a ball. And jumpers for goalposts. And the fat kid in goal - or Anal Taaaaaaarabt as he's more commonly known by Hairy Redcap... Vitor Mascarpone wants the Blunders to start refunding fans for poor performances - yeah right. The club would be bankrupt in a month.
Talking of Hairy and PQRSTU, what a performance against Ditherfool at home. If they could finish (at the right end) they'd have buried the Fools by half time. How the hell you can score 1 goal, the opposition can score 4, and you come away with a 3-2 win, I’ll never know. And coincidence? Richard OG Dunne-in, has now scored 10 OGs in his Prem career. The most by anyone. Ever. And who did he used to play for?
Neverton - the top scorers of OGs in Prem history. Write your own punchline folks!
Now peeps - the question of the week. What’s the best way to make yourself look a total muppet? Buy a costume from E-bay? Hire Jim Henson to do your make-up in a morning? Or go to the world’s press and tell them that points don’t matter, and that in the next three years you’ll make Man Reunited the most feared team in the world, then send out a lacklustre bunch of idiots to scrape a desperate last gasp draw against Best Sandwich Albumen? If they hadn’t had to rely on a cracking strike near full time, they’d have looked even stupider. A case of the Blind saving the blind. Three years? Get real Van Hire - with this bunch of jokers you need three decades. Points don’t matter, only the process? The delusional fuckwit wouldn’t be saying that if he were in Chelski’s position. Whilst Irwine’s doing a staunch under-the-radar Moyes-like job of turning Albumen into a decent set of players, just like his ex-boss and role-model did at Neverton when they worked together, Van Hire’s spouting bullshit and rhetoric to the world’s press rather than actually knuckling down and getting the hundreds of millions of supposed talent in his care working as a unit with a clue. A clue? They currently look like Johnny English, Inspector Clusoe and Alan Partridge wandering round Midsomer with a blindfold on. Knob.
That’s the round-up peeps!
And final thoughts for your pennies before I go.
Has anyone else noticed that all the mid and small boys in the Prem have finally figured out that even though they can’t afford the top players, and the price of even a half-decent striker would cripple their finances faster than Ken Bates, if they go out and fight, and press the opposition no matter how good they are or how much possession they have, they’ll actually achieve something other than a drubbing. And who knows, the narrower margins of goal differences will drop to a level where the opposition have to fight for points, for 90 minutes. And sometimes that stroke of luck or OG may just get you a point or 3 here and there. And that could make all the difference at the end of the season. Wait till next March and see if I’m right when the run-in comes…
Final point - how much is the lack of a consistent and regular goal-scorer going to cost teams this season? And I don’t just mean the ‘lesser’ teams in the Prem. Even more - how much will all these missed sitters and open goals add up to for these teams at the end of the season? We’ve seen so many this weekend, it’s either indicative of the number of chances being created, the ability and composure of the players, or the desperateness of the defenders throwing themselves at every ball that drops. Interesting thought…
And that’s it peeps!
I’m off to me crib for snoozes and sha…mpagne.
Bubbles up me nose!
AAAAAtchooooooo!