The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Wahaaaay peeps! It’s that time o’ week agen, that time when I gi’ me awesome punditry on fixtures from Prem o’er the weekend! Yes peeps, it’s time for Dobbie Egg-on-me- face- jackal-man Savageo! My, how the Forest fans love me!
First we look at Saturday’s fixtures starting wi’ the car crash that is Aston Vanilla’s slide down the Prem table towards the oblivion of the Chumpionship. Ditherfool came calling and walked away without getting a sweat on. Lambretta’s lot couldn’t score in a brothel, so Fillet Mignon in the Dithers goal had the cigars out in his deckchair all game. Vanilla’ll never keep Kentuke, the only player capable of hitting the target, and Lambretta’s only still got a job cos tight-wad Randy Bugger Herrnia don’t wanna pay him off in case he gets a manager with balls who wants paying more and wants to splash a few pence in the window - as if anyone would go there. An easy 3 points for Brenda’s mob and another clean sheet, added to the goal difference of +2 on the day. A good day out was had by the Scouse, but the Vanillains need to persuade someone rich, and stupid enough, to buy the Yank out before they end up playing Grimsby in the Conference.
BURnleY managed to somehow repeat their midweek performance in the cup against Spurs, going 2 up early on, the heady heights of which again caused them a nosebleed that led to them bleeding 3 goals to Pugilist Pards’ Palace. Good try for Deichmann’s Shoes’ team, but you met a resurgent Chrysophase Palace at just the wrong point of your season boys. More performances like this, and both teams will be looking good to avoid joining Aston Vanilla in the Chumpionship come August.
Fester City pummelled Steak City at the crisp-nickers own place, but ultimately leaked the only goal that left them with pride, but nil points. Another side in jeopardy now, but if they could turn performances into results, the Festers could miraculously avoid the drop at someone else’s expense.
PQRSTU also hosted, and also put in a hell of a performance, but yet again a lack of ability and talent cost them dear as Man Reunited waltzed away with all 3 points, +2 GD and De Gear’s 9th clean sheet of the season. No wonder the Spanish are coming for him.
In the comedy of errors that was Onesie, Chelski showed their class and ability by tearing the Welshies apart. 5 nil it ended, but could have been a cricket score - no exaggeration. Monkfish’s lot shot themselves in the foot so badly that it’s a wonder that they weren’t all stretchered off legless by half-time. At least the game would have been abandoned to save their blushes. Joseki finally STFU moaning and had praise for his lads, whilst Monkfish quite rightly apologised for his team’s abject display. At least you didn’t get ‘em all on the pitch at half-time for your team-talk Gaz. That would have been embarrassing… No doubt he’ll put it down to experience and move on to the next game. The lad’s not daft, and he obviously didn’t go to the Arsey Whinger school of blind moaning.
Blunderland were left licking their wounds as the late-late-Erikson-mobile coach rolled into Shite Fart Lame. How many teams will Twittering Shitspurs frustrate to hell this season as they rely on Christiano Eriknaldo waking up just in time to slot the winner home? I swear Phallic Ferguson must be running the team from behind the scenes, they are starting to look so much like Reunited from his era. When will teams learn to defend against the Spurs only in the last 10 minutes, the time they can only seem to hit the onion bag? Go figure.
Final game o’ day saw Louthampton travel to Blunderland’s age old enemies o’ the North East - Pewkcastle Utd. Utd in hating Ashley that is. Once more the Pewks let their caretaker down by losing
at Sports Direct HQ. The Louts are still looking good for their top 6 finish, and anyone who says they said that in August is a liar or a politician. Oh, wait - same thing - sorry.
Sunday saw Arse-nil travel to the Etmihat for another thrashing at the hands of Mantreasurechester City. Who obviously didn’t realise they had to play to win, not just turn up. On what was probably Vincenzo Kamping’s worst game of the season, City’s mega-bucks strike-force also drew a blank, and groans as they couldn’t penetrate a defence that until now has looked leakier than a rusty colander. At least Arsey didn’t need to turn his blind eyes to any decisions, and it’s strange that both the Whinger and Joseki Chelski found happiness on the same weekend… As for Manuel ‘I’m-not-from-Barcelona-you-know’ Pelicani - his head must be bald from all the scratching this season.
Meanwhile, Best Sham, led by Big Spam, hosted and destroyed a Dull side that are, quite frankly, dull. It doesn’t help Brucie’s bonuses that half are has-beens and the other half are currently in Hull Royal Infirmary. Will Stevie ever catch a break? On their performances this season, he may soon be catching the bus - to a Tuesday night fixture against Leeds or Bradford - and local rivals and giants - ahem - Scunthorpe, the only team to ever lose 2 keepers in the first 45 minutes, both with broken arms. What are the chances?
Maybe they were hoping Stallone would come on in their place and save the day in goal. Unfortunately for Scunny, Sly was at Neverton’s home filming a boxing biog whilst the Toffees fruitlessly pummelled a Best Sandwich Albumen team that Tony Pullet has put the fear of God into. They obviously got told that if they concede a goal, their first born will be eaten by The Pullet himself. Neverton ended with 79% possession, and at one point had out-passed Albumen 7 to 1. They were made to pay for Mirabilis pulling rank on the penalty magician David Baines (15 pens, 14 goals). If you can’t hit the onion bag from 12 yards Kev, don’t put your arse on the line. Poor old Roberteo Martini-shaken-not-stirred had to watch his Blues smashing themselves against the barricade of Albumen’s defences for 90 minutes, ruing the fact that the one player the fans have slagged him off for not playing enough was the one who ultimately cost them the points. But he took him off at half time cos of injury. Of course…
And that’s it peeps!
I’m starvin’ now, so I’m gonna go throw something on Barbie and nosh on down!
Schwing!
See ya soon!
Tara for now!

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Wahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Welcome back again peeps!
I’m back tonight wi’ me roundup o’ the rest o’ the results in this weekend’s round o’ fixtures.
Sunday Sunday saw Arse-nil host Steak City at their home that for so long was the reason for tight purse-strings in Arsey Whinger’s war-chest. No such excuses now Arsey. All that money spent during the summer, but was it in the right areas? With Steak becoming the pantomime villains in Gunner folklore now, it was set up to be a feisty affair. Unfortunately, as usual, things didn’t work out the way they were billed. An unusually static Mark Huge sat in his seat for 90 minutes watching his team huff and puff to no avail. Arsey’s straw cottage remained intact, and his classy finishers slotted a trio past the hapless Steak keeper who was less than impressed with his defence. The problem is though, that though Arse-nil put Steak to the sword here, no-one knows what to expect in the next game. Inconsistency could be Arsey’s middle name; his team are up and down more than Jordan’s knickers when she’s got the runs. Why he’s never spent big on a world class keeper, I’ll never know. And despite all the cash splashed nowadays at the Emiroids, where are the titans in defence we grew used to in their success years? The years of the Invincibles? Only Arsey knows his strategy in the transfer market, but I’m not alone in the punditry world in wondering if even he knows what his strategy is. It certainly ain’t defence first…
Later in the afternoon we saw a similar dilemma at Old Shitford, where Man Reunited and their Dutch manager, Lois Van Hire, hosted Louthampton and their Dutch manager, Ronald McDonaldmans. 3rd vs 4th in the Prem pecking order set up a juicy tie. Unfortunately it was overcooked and left us with a dry feast devoid of flavour and taste. Tadpolic grabbed the single goal and the points for the Louts. And, just as at Arse-nil earlier in the day, I could just rewrite my comments on their team, defensively. With the exception of the exceptional De Gear, where the hell has £200 million gone? Not on defending, that’s for sure. I’ve spanked this monkey since day one, and yet, despite having one of the most consistently successful managers of the last 20 years and a treasure chest similar to their rivals, Jones, Smalling and all the king’s soldiers are just not good enough. They may all be internationals, but then so are 11 guys who live in the Faroe Isles. They are defensively inept, and read the game like Stevie Wonder reads the collected works of Shakespeare. De Gear must be worth 10 points a season to them - but even that won’t be enough to get them where they and their fans expect them to be. Come on Van Hire, stand up and explain why you’ve joined Arsey Whinger in the defensively-blind league.
At the end of the season, when the confetti falls on the Blues, these 2 will lick their wounds and rue their transfer policies, mark my words.
And that’s me ace blog for tonight peeps! I’m off to watch the extra-time in the awesome FA cup games tonight, so tara for now!
Telly on and bed warmed up; I’m coming Barbie!
Tara peeps!

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Wahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! and welcome back peeps! Welcome to 2015! And Dobbie’s cool and froody footie blog!

As always, some of what you read here will be true; some will be speculation; the rest will probably be pure bollocks - but at least it’s honest bull!
And remember, when I do my end-of-season look-back, I’ll be saying ‘I told you so’ several times. But ignoring all the many, many, many times I got it wrong. Of course peeps - it’s MY bloody blog!
Now folks, it’s come to me attenshun that there’s some nutter imposter on that there BT (Bloody Terrible) channel on telly. Some fool working wi’ that stupid Chevy Chase cop from the 80’s - Fletch.












I’m telling thee peeps - accept no fakes! No charlatans! No damn fool copycats! They can’t dance like me! They can’t play like me! They can’t pundit like me! Nuff said.


Now peeps as it’s first month o’ year, I thought I’d review the Crimbo fixtures and how the table looks as we move into the second, vital run-in part o’ season. Hold on tight; it’s gonna be a rough ride (as Barbie always sez!).
Boxing day:
Chelsea 2-0 West Ham
Burnley 0-1 Liverpool
Crystal Palace 1-3 Southampton
Everton 0-1 Stoke
Leicester 1-2 Tottenham
Man Utd 3-1 Newcastle
Sunderland 1-3 Hull
Swansea 1-0 Aston Villa
West Brom 1-3 Man City
Arsenal 2-1 QPR

Sunday after Crimbo:
Tottenham 0-0 Man Utd
Southampton 1-1 Chelsea
Aston Villa 0-0 Sunderland
Hull 0-1 Leicester
Man City 2-2 Burnley
QPR 0-0 Crystal Palace
Stoke 2-0 West Brom
West Ham 1-2 Arsenal
Newcastle 3-2 Everton

Monday after Crimbo:
Liverpool 4-1 Swansea

New Year’s Day (all was quiet according to Bonio):
Stoke 1-1 Man Utd
Aston Villa 0-0 Crystal Palace
Hull 2-0 Everton
Liverpool 2-2 Leicester
Man City 3-2 Sunderland
Newcastle 3-3 Burnley
QPR 1-1 Swansea
Southampton 2-0 Arsenal
West Ham 1-1 West Brom
Tottenham 5-3 Chelsea

First Saturday back after the FA Cup weekend, saw the following return to normality:
Ditherfool put paid to 10 man Blunderland 1-0. The main talking point was Sterling Silver’s absence on holiday. Apparently he was at Butlins wi’ his parents. Bloody cheeky, eh? In school time too!
In the first six-pointer o’ weekend we saw BURnleY send PQRSTU packing empty-handed 2-1. Even Fatboy Tarabt couldn’t rescue this bunch. BURnleY need to be careful or they’ll still be in the Prem next season.
Chelski put Joseki’s moaning to bed after the shock of the Shitspurs result and showed their class, and even classier finishing by putting the managerless Pewks to the sword 2-0. The title race is still on.
At least it will be if City stop dropping points faster than Jordan drops her wedding vows. They travelled to Neverton and only managed a 1-1 draw due to a goal that shouldn’t have happened, despite having 1000% possession and enough chances that even my mum could have finished one of ‘em! Roberto Martini-shaken-not-stirred finally stopped the rot. But can the Nevers turn this result into the catalyst they need, and can Mantreasurechester City keep up the pace wi’ Chelski?
Fester City put Lambretta back into the mire by beating his bunch of no-hopers 1-0. Nasty Vanilla fans were even fighting each other, their situation is that bad. Vanilla couldn’t even manage a shot on goal. Bentucky Fried Chicken will be out the door soon, mark my words. Get ready for Chumpionship football you Clarets, cos at this rate there’s gonna be some great escapes from the drop zone - but you won’t be one of ‘em.
Two teams who are over-achieving and in the heady heights near the top of the table, Onesie and Best Sham, faced up in Wales and shared the points 1-1. Honours even, but I guess everyone expected the spoils to be shared in this one.
Pulis’ ‘water into wine’ trick seems to be gearing up again after his team’s performance in the Cup. They beat Dull 1-0, putting Bruciebonus’ position into more doubt as his bunch of second-raters stumble on towards relegation. Just remember though, all you Albumen fans - he’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!
The final result on this Saturday saw the shock that Twittering Shitspurs turnaround was always gonna get. Chrysophase Palace hosted the resurgent Shitspurs, whose confidence was far too up for their own good, and despite an ‘Arry Walking Kane strike - let’s face it, we expect it every game now - Palace managed to turn the game around after the pen decision, and ran out 2-1 winners. Pugilist Pards will be duking it out with Pulis at this rate for the Second Coming award of the season.
 So, as we move into Sunday Sunday, the table looks like this:

POS		LP	CLUB	P	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	PTS
1		(1)	Chelsea	21	15	4	2	46	19	27	49
2		(2)	Manchester City	21	14	5	2	45	20	25	47
3		(3)	Manchester United	20	10	7	3	34	20	14	37
4		(4)	Southampton	20	11	3	6	34	15	19	36
5		(5)	Tottenham Hotspur	21	10	4	7	30	29	1	34
6		(6)	Arsenal	20	9	6	5	34	25	9	33
7		(7)	West Ham United	21	9	6	6	32	25	7	33
8		(8)	Liverpool	21	9	5	7	29	27	2	32
9		(9)	Swansea City	21	8	6	7	26	25	1	30
10		(10)	Newcastle United	21	7	6	8	25	33	-8	27
11		(11)	Stoke City	20	7	5	8	22	24	-2	26
12		(13)	Everton	21	5	7	9	30	34	-4	22
13		(12)	Aston Villa	21	5	7	9	11	23	-12	22
14		(17)	West Bromwich Albion	21	5	6	10	20	29	-9	21
15		(18)	Crystal Palace	21	4	8	9	22	31	-9	20
16		(14)	Sunderland	21	3	11	7	18	31	-13	20
17		(19)	Burnley	21	4	8	9	19	33	-14	20
18		(15)	Hull City	21	4	7	10	20	27	-7	19
19		(16)	Queens Park Rangers	21	5	4	12	23	37	-14	19
20		(20)	Leicester City	21	4	5	12	20	33	-13	17
POS		LP	CLUB	P	W	D	L	GF	GA	GD	PTS

Thanks to www.premierleague.com for the table.
And that’s it peeps! I’ll be back Tuesday wi’ me roundup o’ the rest o’ the results in this round o’ fixtures.
I’m coming Barbie!
Tara peeps!