Good evening footie fans and welcome to The Gardens once more!
First, we head to the floral borders that are inhabited by the
strange blooms of this green and pleasant land. This week, we have a
documentary from the tool-shed of detritus.
Out on the streets of Miami-mia, getting the low-down as ever, is
our roving reporter Alicia Gavell-Brown-Goldmansachsbackandcrack. This week she
is on a whistle-stop tour of England's training camp ahead of the World Cup in
Brazil. This is her report:
Thanks Alicia - Alicia Gavell-Brown-Goldmansachsbackandcrack there
with another searching football investigation.
And now it’s time to welcome, fresh from Warthog’s Academy for Young Ladies
in Distress, where's he's been holidaying in the sun, Mr Dobbie Savage!
To start with, I think Man Reunited fans
need to calm down – beating the Norwich and Peterborough Building Society – a
team weaker than a Greek economy - don’t make a season. Putting 4 past a
defence with more holes than Gleneagles and flimsier than a South African
athlete’s alibi ain’t big or clever. At least they can afford Wayne’s wages now
that they don’t have to pay the rest. After all, apart from Leo De S’gea, the
rest of the squad must all be season ticket holders cos they’ve been spectators
since August. And there must be so many Manc fans homeless after they all put
their houses on the new manager dragging 'em from the depths of the hell
they've been in this season. Nah nahhhhhhh. Zion Greggs – the new seer-prophet
who was to bring hope back to the hopeless – must be kicking himself - and
missing - after falling at the second hurdle to Blunderland at New
Traffordyouwantfrieswiththat. They must have been terrified that Chelski would
get a cricket score against the N&P and show how much of a pitiful result
4-0 was. After all, if Norwich’s team were internationals, they’d play for
Easter Island – and they’d be on the bench. The statues would be first choice.
They managed less shots against Reunited than a
teetotaller with an alcohol allergy. If he was watching, Rabid Moyes must be
livid that the shit that won the title last season (extortionately-paid
professionals) couldn’t be arsed to play for him. That they won the title with
an average team was testament to the weakness of the opposition – who have
improved this season, where Reunited have stood still. Sir Phallix must have
been a seamstress in a previous life as he stitched up Reunited by supporting
the Double-glazer take-over then stitched up Moyes by failing to invest in an
ageing and average team over the last few seasons. No vision, no investment.
Although the biggest loss that cost Moyes was David Fish-gills leaving. Moyes
makes Lee Majors look like a wimp when it comes to fall guys. That the
Double-glazer’s could take over a financially stable club with debt and use it
to off-set debt elsewhere makes Italian politics look stable. Even in America
it wouldn’t have been allowed – in any sport. Tittering Shitspurs may have
spent Bales’ transfer fee on Ericcsonsonsonsonson and a field of donkey’s but
at least they didn’t use Ronaldo McDonaldo’s money to offset debt – every penny
of it – instead of investing it in new players. God the Double-glazer’s must
really love Madchester. If Man Reunited go bankrupt – you heard it here first…
Talking of insane amounts of money, and
results, Jose Chelski seems to have worried the EUFA officionados again.
Apparently, in their first leg of the semi against Unathletic Madrid, they
received his team sheet and it only had 3 names on it. Fernando Torrid was to
play up front alone, with Bus parked in front of Petr Bounced-cheque. They’re
investigating whether this was sporting behaviour…Probably less sporting than
letting The Norwich and Peterborough get a result at Tampon Bridge. How cruel -
allowing the Canaries a glimmer of hope just before they drop. They'll join
Tardyff (say no more - all Tan and no colour to their play) and
FullmetaljacketHam in The Championship next season. Good riddance to
embarrassing teams that are going where they deserve to be. When it comes to
managerial shenanigans, their owners are as clueless as their players in front
of goal. Why can't we get back to Football lovers running these clubs - people
who actually give a toss about the clubs themselves. Rant over.
Elsewhere in the Not-necessarily
Champions (but we’ll let you in if you like) League, Madrid managed less passes
than Stevie Hawking on Junior Mastermind in their first leg. They still managed
to nick the win, despite Ronaldo McDonaldo missing a sitter from 3 millimetres,
and Angel Tia Maria stunning a fan in row Z when he only had the onion bag to
beat. Pip Guardogola must be kicking himself – and missing…They still managed to
make the final though, making The Kings of Europe (some unknown German team run
by Pip from Lord of the Rings apparently) look less than ordinary in their own
backyard. I couldn't stop laughing for three days. And then Jose had his ass
handed to him leaving us with an all Spanish final.
Probably be a yawnfest as this weekend has shown how predictable results in
La Liga are…
Hope the Welsh Neverton fans don’t start
chanting at the next game – ‘OggyOggyOggy’ might not go down so well… Although
the strangeness of the Prem season continued at Goodinitson with Ditherfool
fans cheering for Neverton, Neverton fans cheering for Mantreasurechester City,
Man Reunited fans cheering for Mantreasurechester City…the madness is
never-ending! It spells a storming end to the season and the run-in for the
title though as even ChristmasCarol Volkswagonman (ex-Countdown – how appropriate)
can’t even work out the mathematical permutations on this bugger! Whew! What a
storming last week we’ll have – hopefully. With Chelski beating Ditherfool,
City beating Neverton, Shitspurs beating no-one anymore (well spent 80 mill
there mate) and Arse-nil basically chugging in over the line to fourth like the
old smoke-blowing jalopy they are. Even Oliver Gourd is scoring at the
Goddammerites now (even though he couldn’t score in a brothel normally).
Hold onto your seats peeps – this is gonna get bumpy!
Next stop – Ditherfool and Chrysophase Palace. I’ll be watching from behind
the sofa methinks!
Er - cheers Dobbie – I think.
From our Twitter account – check it out for regular comment on the
insanity that is the football nation of the world (England of course, you fool!
- AWKWARD: The official Premier League launch photo, taken 2 days before the season started.
- David Moyes - sacked because his workforce couldn't be arsed to earn their pay...
- Old Trafford - tradition, European football and success. New Trafford - you want fries with your Championship football y'all? Yeehaaaaa!
Now to raise a glass to Tito Vilanova –
footballing legend. Cheers Tito – you’ll be missed son!
Quote of the week:
Some are born great, some achieve
greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them; the rest go on Britain’s
Got Talent and wing it.
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