The GrantGurnhill football, music and mayhem blog

Hello, good moaning and welcome to The Gardens of Delight. Hope you are well this wonderful day. First topic splashing round in the water-feature of popular culture is TV advertising. WTF? Do these people really think that this is an art-form? Retards. I saw the Peugeot ad the other day - apparently all the guff they've adjusted on their tin can brings the road as close as the hairs on your skin. Bulls**t it does. The ad message doesn't even make sense. Get a life. The Mirror? 'Makes you think'. Makes you think???? Boll***s. It makes you think 'whatever happened to real investigative journalism'. Rehashed stories from previous day's papers, half-naked bodies and Z list celebrities with their 'struggles to survive in today's harsh world'. Get a real life. Your readership knows what it means to struggle to survive in today's harsh world, not the vacuous airheads and nobodies that pass for stars these days. Makes you think? Makes you think you need to spend money on something other than patronising sh*t that treats you like a thicko. Rant over. Now over to the footballroom and Tango specialist, Mr Dobbie Savage!!!!!

Cheers Russ!!! Take your mardy cardy off mate!!!

 Hi everybody!! Me again!!

Many would say that me career’s been like me backside all me life – on the slide – wahay! Sliding on me backside to make last ditch tackles, then sitting on me backside talking pure genius insights and sense on TV (any programme I can crowbar meself into, like). Now, I’ve got me backside in the world record books – yahoo! As I’m sure y’all know, I beat Old Sheep Shearer, me old mucker Al, to get me awesome arse onto as many seats as possible in the shortest time at Wemberleeee. Don’t listen to anyone else like – I smashed it! Old Sheep Shearer was nowhere near me, I’ll tell ya. Poor Al; he spent 30 years at his beloved hometown club Pewkcastle, and the only thing he ever got were a bottle from Kevin Keegan. And the poor bugger lost it after Christmas…

I see Mandy Carroll finally got his alice-band onto a ball and stuck it away, away, away-ooooo. Good for him – though I think his head’s swelling from the impact. He seems to think he deserves a seat on the plane to Braaaa-zil. Yeah – and then a seat in the stand; tickets ain’t cheap Mandy!

Celebrity spotting now. I was out the other night and saw Man Nolongerunited Leg-End, RSVP - Robin' Van Parts - in da club. Mad as hell he was – couldn’t find any space on the dancefloor – and it was his fave Prodigy song too! ‘Everybody’s in my place.’

 Breaking news! After his embarrassing arrest during Sports Relief, me old mate Gazza Grab-bag Lineker will be sentenced today for being an accomplice in the mass murder of musical notes. Poor Gazza! Hope they don’t give him the ultimate sentence – a year in the stands at Old Trafford – no-one deserves that punishment…

 Anyway, finally we come to my footballroom dance track of the week. Now, I was tempted to go with Jelly Clarkson and ‘Backside’, bearing in mind me awesomeness at breaking world records this week (I don’t know if I mentioned it…). But no; this week’s awesome footballroom dance track of the week is – Alex Gawd-ohnoitsmoyes with ‘Destination Championship’. Take it away Sir Alex!

‘Relegation unknown!

Moyes left old Goodison, his job, and his home
Leavin' for  relegation but the fool he still don't know
Somewhere nobody must have heard of him at all
And if you like him you can follow him
So let's go!
Follow Moyes and let's go!
To the place where he belongs
And leave your troubles at home
Come with Moyes, you can go
To a paradise of no wins at all
Cos he’s the Chosen One!

Now Moyes won't feel those heavy shoulders no more
His life got better now he finally enjoys
Yes all other teams wanna come here and win
Come on and join us, you can do that now each game
Let's go, follow Moyes and let's go!
To the place where you can’t lose
And leave your troubles at home
Come with me, we can go
To a paradise of easy points
Just off Chester Road!

Relegation unknown!’

 Classic!!! Cheers for that Alex. The rest of the Prem’s dancing with delight now.

Now check out the video below – it’s hotter than a Scotch Bonnet!!!!!


Tata for now, footie lovers!!

---

Thanks Dobbie - I think...

Greatest news of the day - not only are Metallica, Alice In Chains and Mastodon playing Knebworth in July, but Kate Bush - yes; KATE BUSH - will be performing her first live gigs since 1979 - yes; 1979!!!!! God only knows how much those tickets are gonna cost me and the wife!!!!!!

And finally, on the swings of artistic intuition, we find the following offering.

Thank you, and goodnight!

The GrantGurnhill football, music and mayhem blog

Welcome back fellow Gardeners!

Surreal tool-shed fact of the week - There has been a Lawyer's walkout this week - what do you mean you missed it???? Apparently the gathering of striking lawyers was addressed by solicitor Dave Rowntree. Who? you ask. He was the drummer in Blur. You ready for this all you Beetlebums out there? I guess they've all Come Together because they're Fed Up. They think they Got Law but even Money Makes 'em Crazy. They reckon it's worth the Battle because There's No Other Way and though they've undoubtedly Got a File on You, that's All they Want. Let's just hope they Avoid the Traffic On The Way To The Club - the exclusive one where they'll all spend the 'hard-earned' Legal Aid they've accumulated. No wonder they're striking for OUR rights...

Still on the law(n) - I don't know about you but there seems something intrinsically fishy about that Oscar Piscatorius bloke...

Still on the law(n)s - of the beautiful game - Top men at football clubs all over are in the dock - see Bayern Munich for the latest craziness. Over here, Carson Yeung (no relation to Angus or Malcolm) at Birmingham City has received 5 years sharing showers this week for money laundering. He started as a - hair stylist. You can't make this stuff up. On that bombshell (and in no way connected to hair care...) here's our new resident footballroom pundit, Dobbie Savage!

Cheers Russ! And welcome to my patio of footie patter!

---

I'll be trawling through the detritus of the football world to bring you enlightening titbits of the week's discarded fish and chips. No - I don't know what the 'ell I'm on about either. 

First, it was good to see Messup Persil finally turn up for a game, and he even scored a goal. Arsenal - the only team who can win the FA Cup without leaving their own city. That's the way the Botox crumbles.

Seems like old Persil has done something to upset his national fans though - he turned up for them, scored and they still booed him off. Oh those Germans and their wonderful sense of humour...

QPR have planned a radical overhaul of their finances after announcing net debt rising to £177,000,000. Apparently they're employing some financial whizzkid called Carson Yeung. Never 'eard of him.

Mike Ashley has sacked Pugilist Pardew and signed a new manager - he used to be lead singer of Chumbawumba or summat. Never 'eard of 'em. Anyway, Ed Butt No Bacon will join the club from Monday - he's got a gig this weekend, but Mike Ashley was insistent on getting the man who he says, was 'on his bucket-list'. Perhaps he'll buy him two Jags...

A survey has revealed that the best job to be in this summer is - central defender. With the sheer amount of clubs, just in the Premiership, who are currently fielding third rate defenders, if you can defend and stand shoulder to shoulder with someone decent, you can name your price. Or your agent's...

Finally, before I leave you (I've got a cut and blow dry booked), my footballroom dance track of the week is - drumroll - Dave Craigid with '7 days' - well played Dave!

'Employed me on Monday

Knocked out the cup on Tuesday

We were relegating on Wednesday

And on Thursday & Friday & Saturday

Sacked me on Sunday.

(Kept paying me for another 3 years though).'

Tara 'till next week peeps!!

Dobbie

Thanks Dobbie.

Now, we peek into the rhododendrons of televisual delight once more, and this week - reality and talent shows.


I suppose - and I'd like to think that - everyone has dreams. Some are grand, whereas some are seemingly small and mundane. From dreaming of becoming Prime-minister (Nick Clegg no doubt) to dreaming of meeting your perfect love (Jordan dreams this one regularly); no matter what the dream, who are we to scoff? And this is where reality TV shows come in (groan). I loathe and detest them - but, but - I can't help admiring anyone who goes on them. Even the deluded fools who obviously have no talent and can't see that - but they still turn up, dream intact, to suffer the humiliation and rejection; to leave with their dreams of superstardom in tatters. You've got to admire them (but not their - ahem - talent, obviously). But what of the rest? The others who obviously can sing, dance, perform, juggle chainsaws, strip sensuously or whatever? Think of the sheer dedication they put into their dream - think of the sheer hard work and time they commit to pursuing something that in most cases leads nowhere. And yet they continue. I take my hat off to them. Anyone should be entitled to dream, and yes, anyone should be entitled to go on TV and subject us to it (there is an OFF button you know). Dreaming can only be a positive in people's lives, and if it mobilises them to DO something, that can only be life enriching. I salute you all, you wonderful dreamers. Just don't give us anymore Jedwards – please!Final thought before I go back to the Greenhouse of spidery-jeopardy, this week from Lana Turner:

'A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.'

The GrantGurnhill football, music and mayhem blog

First topic whirling round the Gardens on the ride-on mower is the beautiful game - no, not Risk - I'm sure the Crimea will play a big enough part in that. Football! 


Weird fact one: Sam All-the-dice is apparently the 4th highest paid manager in the Prem. Scoff not. He's also the 16th highest paid manager in Europe. Now who's laughing? All the way to the bank. Football management - the only job where failure will get you a better job and a better paid job. Except for those other Bankers - the bankers. Makes you wonder if Sam is very money-savvy - or if he's got a secret stash of some saucy snaps that Dullivan and Old don't want made public - now that would be ironic...
Not a weird fact two: Jose Chelski is at it again. There are four or five teams who are favourite to win the Champion's League according to the Love-god of Stam-stam-stammering Bridge. Sorry Jose - technically there can only ever be ONE favourite if there can only be ONE winner. Guess it got lost in translation there Mr Chelski. Mind games not working as they should, mateski? Never mind - but plaudits for your performance - one worthy of a South African Oscar...


Now for the clippings from the rhododendrons of televisual delight:

TV puzzler of the day - BBC3 is being axed because the BBC need to meet the budget cuts imposed by the coalition. Makes sense to stop paying for something if you need to save money. However, they've just announced that half of the money saved from axing BBC3 will be used on BBC1 programming. Sorry? So you're still spending half of the money saved - just elsewhere... so how are you saving the whole budget of BBC3 by axing it if you're still spending the cash elsewhere? D'oh. It's like the wife saving money by not buying a handbag this week - oh, but she's bought an extra pair of shoes instead. 

Talking of the wife, she's in the press this month. Please check out her write-up in Papercraft Inspirations Magazine issue 124
or her blog at nellieshandmadecards.blogspot.co.uk


TV puzzler of the week - Is Match of the Day becoming the new Rambo? "Coming soon - 'MOTD 6'"

Thinking of sports presenters, please raise a glass to John Arlott (1914-1991) who was born 100 years ago this week. Cheers John and thanks for all the childhood memories of your masterful presentation.

Now, Wonders of the World hits the Gardens this week - no, it's not how has Wayne 'shoot from 25 yards and hit the corner flag for 300 grand a Weekey' or Chris Appalling (how the hell is he in the Manc team, let alone the England team). I'm talking of course, of the masterful genius that is Simon Love Me Love Me Love Me Cowell. Love him indeed, or hate him - you can't deny his genius. Ever hear the X-Factor theme tune? I do - in my nightmares; but I digress. There is a voice in the background that says 'X-Factor.' That is Simon Cowbag. And for doing that, he receives a writing credit, and performance credit everytime the theme-tune is played. Every time. EVERY time. Genius. Almost as good as Tracey Dullman (she of '3 of a Kind' fame with Lenny Nite Nite Henry and some guy who nicked David Copperfield's name - can't remember him myself - no, not many do remember it - or him). I digress again. Back in the last century she moved to the States and had her own TV show. A cartoon maker had a new cartoon and wanted to get it on TV. They approached Tracey Ullman and asked if he could have a 5 minute slot on her show. She agreed - in return for a paltry, meagre, infinitesimal 5% of the show and all its profits. Good deal for the cartoon maker? It was indeed. But for Tracey, who subsequently has had to contribute NOTHING to the cartoon, it was even better. The cartoon in question? The Simpsons. You may have heard of it...

As Lenny would say, here in the Gardens it's nearly time for bed, so I leave you with news of a new guest contributor joining us next week. Fresh from a stint as footballroom and Tango coach at Warthog's Academy for distressed young madams, we would like to welcome Dobbie Savage!

Final thought of the week goes to one of our grand old ladies of literature, who once, when challenged at a dinner party, came out with the immortal words:

"You can take a horticulture, but you cannot make her think."

Thank you and Goodnight!