The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Ay-ay salty seadogs o' sacked managers peeps! Dobbie ‘s back agen wi’ this week’s super Prem blog!
Starting wi' Saturday's games, we saw a few games that could spin the topsy-turvy table-struggling bottom-dwellers on their heads and start a few sphincters squeaking in the bookies' ranks. Chrysophase Palace's resurrection under Pugilist Pards continued apace by slamming 3 goals past a truly terrible PQRSTU in 45 minutes, a position that the Hoops were punch-drunk from come the second half, a half where Palace pulled the deck-chairs out and relaxed enough to concede a goal back. Still a bridge too far as PQRSTU went down 3-1. That first half performance may come back to haunt them in a couple of months, especially if they repeat it before the season's end; the Hoops are the worst team of the season so far on paper. Gird your loins boys, or prepare for the Chumpionship. Palace, meanwhile, are looking at the great escape.
If Palace's resurrection at the bottom is quite a thing to behold, at the other end is the change in fortunes of Best Sham and Arsenal. The former are starting to falter in their quest for Europe, whilst Arsenal are beginning to cement their claim to Chumpion's League football  for yet another season after putting the Claret and Blues through the wringer 3-0. Arsey Whinger's staking his shirt on a few more years in charge at this rate - all he needs now is a trophy to calm the fans.
Back at the bottom, Fester City and Dull City lived up to their names with a goalless bore-draw - not a result that really suited either, as at this point, 3 points are a golden chalice of hope for staying in the promised land of mega-millions for next season. Keep fighting lads - this battle ain't over yet.
Biggest surprise of the season? Biggest surprise of the weekend! Nasty Vanilla equalled their entire season's away goal tally in 45 mental minutes as the walking nightmare that is Blunderland showed just how much they wanted to get Gus Poyntless the sack. Sherwoodforest has done something, possibly illegal (allegedly), to turn the hopeless dimwits under his care into a power-force of points and goal grabbers capable of not just winning a game, but scoring 4 and keeping a clean sheet. Whereas it looks like Blunderland's players are all on Ketamine. Patience with the Poyntless Gus finally ran out, and rumours abound that Jesus is coming back at Easter to resurrect the Blunder's chances of avoiding the drop. That will be a miracle worth seeing.
After all the excitement at the Stadium of Shite, Best Sandwich Albumen's 1-0 conquering of Steak City seemed a tame affair. The Albumen won't care though, as their rise continues in its own quiet but effective way.
The next result would have been a shocker of epic proportions if it weren't for 2 points; Vanilla's stunning turn-around in performance, and the fact that we've watched Mantreasurechester City cock up time and again this season. BURnleY are a battling team, that we all know, but against the mega-star mega-billions of City? Pellicani won't have a job come the summer - Barca are odds on to kick 'em out of Europe this week, and the Prem trophy is slowly slipping through their grasp. Georgio Boyd's finish was a cracker, something he practices by all accounts, but City's inability to break BURnleY down or find the net with the firepower they have is nothing short of reprehensible. It'll be interesting to see who's in the hot-seat at City next season.
Whilst the Chelski fans had the cigars out after watching City stall yet again in their pursuit of a second successive title, perhaps the Blues themselves should have learned from BURnleY's effectiveness in defence as they eventually struggled to break down a resolute Louthampton side that had come back from a goal down to battle manly for all 3 points. At 1-1, Chelski walked away another point ahead of the chasing pack, but must be kicking themselves for passing up the extra 2 they could have got by better attacking play.
Third biggest surprise of the weekend remains yet another team who seem to have suddenly realised that the trapdoor is now firmly under their feet with less than a dozen games to go. Neverton seem to have woken up from their European dream to have spotted the cracks beneath their Premiership status. Pulling up their socks at last, they pulled out a convincing 3-0 win against a less-than convincing Pewkastle team that look less than bothered as they look pointlessly up the table, and unconcernedly downwards. If the Pewks aren't careful, they could quickly become embroiled in the relegation battle as the odd results come thick and fast now.
Final game of the Sunday fixtures saw another 2 teams with a sudden change in performance and result. Man Reunited woke up and found the net 3 times in the first half, whilst Pottygeno's pillocks were sleepwalking through the game at Mouldy Trafford. Where were the players who've put Twittering Shitspurs in contention for Europe? They certainly weren't on the pitch on Sunday. Reunited should have buried them deeper than 3-0, but it wasn't Looney who was punch-drunk by the end of the first 45. Spurs had no reply at all after the break, and Reunited seemed adamant they wanted to keep David Ge Gear by blocking his net to keep him smiling rather than growling, as in past games. The discontented keeper may be getting courted from abroad, but if Reunited can turn their consistency around and keep his sheets clean, he may yet stay. Spurs must improve, as they can't play this badly again; surely?
Monday night footie brought us Onesie hosting Ditherfool deep in the Welsh valleys, in another game decided by the single goal, this time in the Dithers' favour as they search for Chumpion's League football again.
And that’s it peeps! Surprises aplenty as the fight for survival heats up, even as Chelski start to very slowly pull away to the title. What fun!
And so to a new feature o' me awesome blog, and chance for you to have your say peeps!
This week I'm asking who YOU think will get relegated this season. It's a hard battle with not a lot between the drop zone and mid-table - a few choice results could turn the race inside out! Oh the excitement!
To have your say, simply comment on me blog with which teams you reckon are doomed!
I'll announce the results of the poll at the start of next week's blog.
And don't forget peeps that you can CONNECT, FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or JOIN the blogsite on any Social media platform you like. Go on - you know you want to!
See you soon peeps! If you see Gus, tell him the job centre's that way!

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-macarena peeps! Dobbie ‘s back agen wi’ second part o’ this week’s double jeopardy - we’ve done Europe, now to that there Premier League o’ nations and the games from the last week as the final couple o’ scorching months kick in and it’s squeaky ares’ole time.
Let’s go from top to bottom o’ league and check out ‘ow each team’s done.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin first place we find Chelski. With no Prem game last weekend, it gave the chasing pack a chance to catch up a little, as the Blues took on Twittering Shitspurs for the first honours of the season. Romping home with this year’s first piece of silverware gave Joseki a grin like a Cheshire cat as he dead-fly-danced in front of the cameras afterwards. His team looked jaded after all the efforts of Sunday when they faced up to Best Sham later in the week, but after a great contest, they managed to leave with all 3 points to leave them still top of the table by 5 clear points, and that all-important game in hand. I spoke to Joseki after his tremendous achievements of the week. ‘Dobbie,’ he said, ‘I am a manager, I manage. Do I look like an Egg-head, or that I am on the Chase? No. I do not answer questions. This is not my job. But if you ask me to marry you, perhaps I will answer.’ Er, thanks Joseki, but, no.
Mantreasurechester City were in pole position to take advantage of the League Cup final and stake their place as contenders. With a mixed week of fixtures, they once more came up short against a driven and determined Ditherfool side in front of the Kop. As with many games this season, the Reds took the points with some sublime finishing, whilst City’s defenders looked, as all too often this season, confused and in disarray. Missing the opportunity must have rankled on the Blues as they watched Chelski return to Londinium with the silver, and in a pole position that still looked as solid as before. Fester City bore the backlash from City as they visited the Etmehat and shipped 2 more goals towards their negative GD. Chance dropped and triumphant Chelski with a game in hand - I asked Pellicani how he rated his chances. ‘I theeenk Dobbie, that the game is not afoot yet. There is time for us yet. We are running out of games. Points are there to be won. We keep losing games. Do you like David Silva? Yes? He is a beautiful creature isn’t he?’ Er, ok Manuel. See ya later dude.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin third place, the leader of the chasing pack, Arsenil. 4 points behind City now, they managed a brace in both their games to put paid to Neverton and PQRSTU, and even Oliver Gourd showed that the Chumpion’s League performance he put in was a mere blip. I asked Arsey Whinger about the striker’s hot/cold outings. ‘I see nothing. I was reading Black-eyed on my Kindle at the time that the incidents took place. It’s an excellent novel. You should pre-order now you know.’ Alright Arsey…
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin fourth place, a mere shade of a point behind Arsenil, Man Reunited managed another 2 clean sheets despite the shockingly shit defence they have, and managed to put 2 & 1 past Blunderland and Newcastle respectively. A good week in the North-East for the North-Westerners, despite periodically fielding the most over-rated player on the planet and paying him £300,000 a week for the privilege. A player who makes George Weah’s ‘cousin’ at Ditherfool look good (ask Graeme Soupness - he’ll tell you). Luis Van Hire is still delusional though. When I interviewed him he was buried behind a pile of illustrations and analysis charts showing how his team don’t pass more than the length of their bootlaces, and everyone else is guilty of dirty tactics and long-ball football not seen since Best Sham turned up at Old Knackered with binoculars. ‘You see Dobbie,’ he whined after the Pewkcastle game, ‘we play beautiful football. The rest are amateurs, who should go play at
Twickenham. I am always right. The rest are wrong. Here is a 300 page dossier to prove this.’ Thanks Luis - file in B1N…
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin fifth, and managing to slowly but surely claw their way within a few game’s points of the top 4 and Chumpion’s league status, are Ditherfool. After managing to sting Mantreasurechester City’s title hopes last weekend, they then put paid to BURnleY in their second game of the week at Spamfield. It will be interesting come season’s end just how many goals they have in the goal of the season competition. They only have to step over half-way and they’re lining up a shot. Brenda Rogerer told me after the game, ‘Dobbie, these home games are starting to piss me right off. At least when we play away, I can play away. Know what I mean?’ Oh yes, I certainly do Brenda, you dirty old man.
In sixth place, and hanging on Dithers’ coat-tails despite a week of mixed results, we have Louthampton. Their early season promise, as expected, has evaporated somewhat, and losing to Best Sandwich Albumen 1-0 before taking Chrysophase Palace down in identical fashion has shown a much truer placing as the run-in begins. They need to maintain results in the next shaky months as Spurs are growing stronger all the time, and they sit just behind them by a mere 2 points. I asked Ronald The Coalman his thoughts on the season’s accomplishments so far. ‘Hmmm. Dobbie, hmmm. Good, Hmmmm. And bad, hmmmmm. Dobbie, Hmmmm.’ Hmmmmm…
And so we find Twittering Shitspurs and the weird choices of Maurice Pottygeno. Dropping out of Europa League contention by benching ‘Arry Kanyewest. Fielding a bunch of superstars who looked like freeloaders on the pitch. Overlooking the talent in the ranks for overpaid prima-donnas. The guy’s a puzzle, inside an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum, surrounded by a dickhead. Spurs maintained their push for European footie next season after the disappointment of the League cup loss by battling a resolute Onesie to send them packing 3-2. Pottygeno refused to speak after the game. Thank the lord, as even his translator bores me senseless.
Mid-table starts at number 8, enough points to probably make them safe from relegation, but enough behind to rule out European football. Steak City head the pack, with an impressive 2 clean sheets against the car-crashes that are Dull City and Neverton, and 3 more goals in the plus column.
Mark Huge approached me after the Neverton game to ask, ‘Dobbie, does my bum look big in this?’ Of course not Sparky, of course not…
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin ninth, and the last team at that so-called safety threshold of 40 points, we find Onesie City who put paid to BURnleY’s weekend before travelling to Londinium and putting Spurs’ resolve to the test in an epic encounter. Unfortunately they left with only their pride, and no points.
Gary Monkfish cried on my shoulder afterwards. ‘Dobbie, it’s so hard for us boys from the valleys when we travel. Have you got any of those dusted travel sweets? No? Never mind. Tara for now.’ Oi! Monkfish! That’s my line!
Jekyll and Hyde team of the season, Best Sham, sit in the first double-digit spot, a major drop from their earlier promise. From European football to just a point from supposed safety, Big Spam’s team sum up the difficulties teams have faced this season. And don’t bet against them going down, cos from this point on, no-one’s safe. Losing 3-1 to Chrysophase Palace didn’t help their cause last weekend, particularly with a tricky tie at Shamford Bridge just days later. Despite the antics and
battling the Clarets put in Chelski still walked away with the points, leaving Big Spam with nought for his week’s work. How long before the knives are out for him on the terraces again? This season could end as a carbon copy of last season if Spam ain’t careful. He told me after the Chelski game, ‘We’re a good team Dobbie. I don’t play long ball. Honest. Kevin Nolan’s fit ain’t he?’ Er, no.
Whilst Best Sham are teetering on the brink, Pewkcastle can only wish for their safe position. 4 points behind, and results just not coming, the Pewks managed to nick a win against Nasty Vanilla who proved that new manager syndrome doesn’t always work, before losing narrowly to a lacklustre Man Reunited team in midweek. Start looking over your shoulders guys. John TobyCarvery approached me after the game. ‘Wanna buy some top quality sports goods Dobbie? All at great prices!’ I ran.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin twelth, we hit the sticky patch that is, believe it or not, the relegation dogfight. Five points behind the Pewks, only 8 points separate this next lot from the relegation places themselves. These are the real sinking sands of the Prem, and expect much excitement and movement up and down in this quagmire before the final day.
Top of this pile we find Chrysophase Palace, narrowly above Best Sandwich Albumen on GD. Both teams have gained new managers of late, changes which have had the desired effect. Palace put Best Sham to the sword at the weekend, before travelling to the coast and losing narrowly to the Louts. Mixed results but improved performances. Albumen meanwhile turned over the Louts themselves before being beaten in the Derby by a suddenly firing Nasty Vanilla, leaving them 2 points clear of Neverton in 14th. Both managers refused to speak to me after the game, although Palace’s Pugilist Pards offered me out, whilst Albumen’s Tony Pullet offered me a chicken pie. No thanks Tone, I suddenly feel a touch of veganism coming on…
A mere single point separates each of the next four teams from the team above, as they rest on the bottom 3. Neverton lead the pack after an abysmal week - 2 away games, two 2-0 losses to Arsenil and Steak City. Unless they halt the slide now, the Toffees will be visiting the Chumpionship next season. Roberteo Martini-shaken-not-stirred told me after the game, ‘We keep losing Dobbie. Why is that do you think?’ Er, because you can’t score and you can’t defend, dimwit.
Dull City come next, and despite taking a point from Blunderland midweek, losing to a resurgent Steak last weekend still leaves them precariously balanced. Stevie Bruciebonus asked me, ‘Does my nose look big in this face?’ Er, not at all mate…
The points Blunderland dropped against Dull City leave them trailing in their wake, too close to the dropzone for comfort. Added to their 2-0 loss to Reunited last weekend, and Adam Johnstonepainttrophy’s banishment for playing with the under-16s, things are starting to look decidedly scary for Gus Pointless and his Blunders. ‘Know any good lawyers?’ he asked after the game. Nope. You’re fucked mate.
Sweating like a fat bastard in a Lycra sumo-suit on an army assault course, we find Timmy Derwood’s Nasty Vanilla a mere game’s win-points above the drop. Nervous ain’t the word for this bunch. After losing again - to Pewkcastle, Derwood bought a load of tacky Geordie merchandise and travelled home, where he stunned Albumen with his totally poor Chav taste and nicked 2 goals while they were recovering on the touchline. The 3 points keeps them above the drop-zone just, but everyone’s
wise to his tricks now and what’s the bet that their next opponents turn up in purple shell-suits? ‘Ere guv, innit. Gertcha, Dobbstaaaaaaaar,’ he shouted after the game as he chased me down the Bullring. Knobhead.
And so we enter the purgatory that is - dum, dum, duuuuuum! - the Relegation zone. In pole position we have PQRSTU, but only on GD, despite the game in hand which, let’s face it; does anyone expect them to win it? With Nasty Vanilla the only team down their end of the table to play in the next 6, they really need to perform miracles if they’re not to return to Chumpionship oblivion. With Chris Ramseystreet at the helm currently, I don’t see any wine to water moments on the horizon. Chris asked me for help, but unfortunately I’m drying my hair for the rest of the season.
We now reach that penultimate drop place, and find BURnleY on the cusp of being BURYd back in the lower leagues. They may be in this position on GD, but they’ve also played a game more than PQRSTU. 2 losses this week to Onesie at home and the Dithers away haven’t helped their cause any. Admittedly they’ve put up a plucky fight this season, and never claimed to be anything more than enjoying the ride, unlike some of the other delusional retards in the league. Games are running low though, and the qualities just aren’t there to keep them up. It’ll be interesting to see who gets plundered from this squad in the next transfer window… Shaun The Sheep Deichmann’sshoes offered me Tommy Heaton for a fiver after the game. Sounds like a bargain to me. I just need to shift this pile of shitty Arsenil keepers and Simon Mignonfillet first though…
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand so we finally hit rock bottom, where we find the disaster that is Fester City, 4 points behind. That game in hand may as well not exist. Having a weekend rest may have helped other teams, but when your next fixture is Mantreasurechester City at the Etmehat, you know you’re fucked. And they were. And still are. And will be right till the final day when they return chastened but richer to the Chumpionship. I tried to catch Neil Pears-soap after the loss, but he was busy online booking his Easter hols. Away from Fester…
And that’s it peeps! No real surprises at the bottom when you consider how long those 3 have been in the Prem…but shenanigans aplenty to come at the top and in the fight for Europe. It’s gonna be fun!
I’ll be back early next week to recap the Prem games from the FA Cup weekend (eh?).
See you soon peeps! If you see Sid, tell him I sent you!

The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-carumba peeps! It’s Dobbie ‘ere wi’ me awesome blog! And this week’s double jeopardy once again as I cast me eye o’er last week’s deciding second leg shenanigans in Europless and the laughable final first legs (eh?) in Chumpion’s League.
First, the Chumpion’s League, where we saw the legends of Barceloooooooooooooonaaaaaaaaaa visit the Etmehat and give Mantreasurechester City a reet lesson in footie. Some of the ball control was sublime, and Luis Sewerage returned to Engerland to wreak ‘avoc amongst City’s defence - not for the first time in his career. City put on a brave battle, but when it comes to the big games, you know that the stars of Barcacacacaaaa will show the stars of City how to turn up and play like they mean it. City did manage to nick one back, but the 2-1 away win puts Barca in the driving seat. I don’t fancy Pellicani’s lot in the rematch.
If the Mancs thought they’d had a lesson taught ‘em, Arsenil were late for school and then got expelled. Most thought the Gooners got the easiest draw of the round, and Arsey obviously told his lacklustre lot so. With defending more woeful than a Toffee backline, the minnows of Monaco tore the reds a new ‘un. If City thought they had an uphill battle on their hands in the second leg, Arsenil have got a 3-1 deficit to turn over, away on foreign soil. Quit now Arsey.
Thursday saw the poor man’s Chumpion’s League and the dropouts therefrom facing up as 4 Brit teams partook, with the faltering Neverton looking least likeliest to progress. Oh dear… Ditherfool have spent the last 10 year’s banging on about how they love penalties in Istanbul. Brenda fielded 3 strikers from the get-go, hoping they’d go get the goals. Whoops…they didn’t, and pennoe’s? Love ‘em? Not anymore they don’t. NASA have just returned Lovren’s ball to the clubhouse. 1 down, 3 to go. Celtic always looked hard pressed to progress, but definitely capable. Unfortunately they managed to fail, coming so close, but yet so far away…The single goal was enough to send them out after a sterling display in the home leg. Better luck next time lads. Plucky but not quite enough on the day. Next came Twittering Shitspurs, who surely couldn’t fail, not with ‘Arry Kanyewest in the team. What? Pottygeno did what? Left him where? WTF??? Spurs fell foul of arrogance here, and paid the price for leaving the trooper himself out. Well, it’s not like he’s singlehandedly transformed their season and dragged them to this stage of the competition all by himself is it? The Italians must have wet themselves when they saw the team sheet. And then went out and showed Shitspurs why you never leave your saviour nailed to the cross when you really need him on the pitch performing miracles for you. Losing 2-0 in a leg they could have won? Bring back Sherwood…
That brings us to the Toffees, the only Brit team playing a home game. With a cricket score from the away leg under their belt, even this lot couldn’t screw this up could they? Looking at the 3 already out, anything was possible. Nobody knew what Martini-shaken-not-stirred would do…send out the reserves, the youth team, defend with a 10-0-0 formation or what? In the end he went for the safer option, and decided to mix the squad up a little, but take nothing for granted. Fielding a strong side left the Blues in a good position to fight back when the Young Boys went ahead. And fight back they did. And then some. They ripped ‘em a new ‘un! How the fans must wish their team could play like this in the Prem. 3-1 on the night and 7-2 on aggregate gave a feel-good feeling to Goodish-on Park for the first time since 1888 when they formed from the remnants of T-Rex. The only question is, could they take this to the league and avoid relegation? Time will tell. Enjoy it while you can Blues - bigger fish are coming for you…
And that’s it peeps!
I’ll be back Thursday to recap the Prem games from the last 7 days - it’s that time of the season when the games come thick and fast. Be interesting to see some of the shenanigans going on around the teams in the Prem this week - for starters some Blunderland player’s back playing with the under-16s…
See you Thursday peeps! Don’t go to any nightclubs I wouldn’t go to!