Coming up on tonight's image-laden Trope news:
Iceland declare war on the USA
Black and white
A Legend passes
Skoda reveal s new Kiddy-car
The Catholic church - too cool for girls-school?
Clarkson cops it
Clinton caught between the devil and another devil
Isis day on Ebay
And in the sports news - Mancs off-air
But first tonight, we understand that Iceland have fallen out with the US over Peter Andre's contact negotiations. The US have decided that the former singer, former reality TV star, and former shagger of Jordan (doesn't narrow it down much) has been leaking Iceland's upcoming campaign details to the CEO of KraftDairylea, now a US subsidiary of BinLadenBush Inc, the giant Illuminati oil company. Iceland are understandably upset about this. The US refused to comment, although a spokesman said that 'the President had no fore-knowledge of the alleged attacks; he was in a primary school in Maryland somewhere at the time, reading The Cat In The Hat. To himself. Out loud. Or that could have been some other incident. It's classified. Look, just go away will you.' Indeed...
Iceland's new advertising campaign for Chuck Steak
Reports are coming in of sightings in the Alps of the legendary beast that has been reported before, but never verified. Photographs are apparently already circulating on the Net of the strange nocturnal creature that has been talked about since the early '80s. Eyewitnesses claim that in the daylight, the creature is very easy to see due to the colour of its fur against the snow. We will bring you an update if these sightings are verified.
Big Hair - fact or fiction?
Skoda announced today that it has just released the first images of its cutting-edge Kiddy-car for the new generation of younger driver. Chief designer, Dr Kenneth Harrison showed us the first photos of what has been termed the 'Pika-car'. Several colours are available, including Canary, Custard, Sunflower, Lemon, Daffodil, Buttercup, Dandelion and Banana.
The Pika-car. Drive one away today.
Hilary Clinton has announced today that she will be running for President, or maybe not, for the Democrats, or the Republicans, at the next, or maybe the one after that, election. The ex-glass wearing (now has contact lenses), lip-stick wearing (previously anti-make-up), short-haired (cut it recently after a poll), ex-first lady said that she is deliberating over her future path in American politics, and will finally decide once the results of the opinion polls come in and tell her whether to stand or not. 'I am a strong-willed, determined individual who will follow my own path and not be swayed by anyone's opinion!' she declared. 'Is that ok with you?' she added.
Tragic news this week, as we found out that Sir Terry Pratchett has sadly passed away at the age of 66. The genius writer of the Discworld novels, amongst others, had been suffering from, and campaigning for more support and research into, Alzheimer's Disease for over 8 years. We request a minute's silence as we pay our utmost respect for a true creative spirit.
Now, you can't have failed to have known by now that Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended from the programme Top Gear. Apparently the producer he allegedly punched was new to the programme, and offended Mr Clarkson, main contributing writer and creative force behind the show, by totally misunderstanding the programme and its title. Mr Clarkson is alleged to have swung a punch at him when he asked him for some, quote 'first-class blow, man'. Rumours of Piers Morgan's demise in the wake of the scandal have sadly been exaggerated.
Sport now, and many subscribers around the world, and a couple in Manchester, are bemoaning the loss of their beloved Manchester United TV channel. Sad bastards.
Shit then. Shit now.
Religion, of sorts, and it appears that those paragons of Islamic virtue ISIS, have been a little capitalistic in their dealings with the treasures of everyone else's religions. They have lately taken to destroying, publicly, many relics, art treasures and artefacts that offend their religious beliefs. Religious beliefs that are becoming ever more confused as they continue their insane ramblings and actions around the world. It now appears that rather than hating the West and its culture of consumerism, ISIS are actually embracing it by selling various pieces they have plundered on Ebay. Honestly. No bullshit. No doubt their religious leaders are even now rewriting their scripture of choice to encapsulate this hypocritical action. Here comes the new boss in town - just like the old boss...
Finally tonight, we have learned that due to plummeting figures of people entering the Catholic church to take vows, the hierarchy that controls the behemoth of religion has backed a campaign to encourage more young females to take the cloth. By using top best-selling novelist and Wife-of-the-year Katie Price, they hope to appeal to the glamourous young things looking for a meaning in life. Rumours that the entire casts of Geordie Shore, TOWIE and Something Something Chelsea have signed up are as yet unsubstantiated.
Nuns - not as dry as first thought.
And that's the news where I am tonight.
I've been...staring at those boobs too long.
You've been...gagging for it.
Good nighty night wet-dream.
Good evening and how’s your whistleblowing? I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Jihadi John - pissed piss-taker
Putin putting the boot into Ukraine again
Roof-runner targets Parliament
The French - smack-heads?
The Oscars drama - it'll be all white on the night
Jailor Swift goes viral
Kenyan children tear-gassed
First tonight, and Trope News has learned that the murdering terrorist Jihadi John was deported from various countries on his journey to his 'promised land' for being 'drunk and abusive'. Which begs the question; which branch of Alcoholics Anonymous holds meetings for Islamic Extremists? Delta Force and the SAS are attempting to discover the AA's meeting place, purely for research purposes of course...
Russia, and Putin has once more changed his stance on the Ukraine situation, according to sources close to the Kremlin. It seems that he is worried for the Ukrainians' independence from outside interference from the west, and intends to place a 'substantial peace-keeping force' within the area, including its parliamentary institutions to maintain the country's neutrality. Good old Vlad - he's all democratic heart.
Police have launched an investigation into how a 20-something hoodlum managed to breach parliamentary security in order to access the roof of the ancient bastions of liberty. The man claims that he was protesting against recent reports that MPs are demanding a tripling of their wages because they can't be expected to raise a family on the pitiful £60,000 a year they receive (before backhanders from corporate positions). The man will face a long prison sentence for his effrontery to democracy. We asked to speak to a representative for the MPs, but we couldn't afford his fee.
Now, are those wonderful Gallic Goofballs the French a bunch of smack-heads? Reports are out today that French parents are defying a ban by the European parliament on smacking their children as a form of punishment. Sources say that the powers in Brussels are 'very angry indeed' at the defiance of the French, and that they'd 'better watch out'. Meanwhile, in England, the coalition has insisted that the people of Britain continue to obey European law on absolutely everything, including using the word 'gezundheit' when sneezing, and no longer using the colour 'yellow'. From now on the colour is to be known as 'Happy Days' to encourage people to smile and forget the English weather.
Entertainment now, and the Oscars. There was lots of celebrity brown-nosing, partying and backslapping at the zillionth Academy Awards last night. Which is the nearest anything else in the nominees list got to being 'of colour'.
Staying with entertainment, a video of Jailor Swift has gone viral on YouTube. A police officer was filmed on his dash-cam singing and dancing along to Taylor's hit 'Shake it off'. After some wag dropped the video onto YouTube, it went viral, with even Taylor Swift herself commenting positively on the officer's moves. Rumours that Harry Styles is trying to get the officer's phone number for a date are as yet unsubstantiated...
Finally, chaos in Kenya, as an unruly mob of schoolchildren tried to interfere with the powers of democracy. The local government has sold their playground, the only one for 350 miles, to a hotel chain so that the company can maintain its rate of progress in providing top-class accommodation to visiting dignitaries and local VIPs. The selfish and uneducated kids don't seem to grasp the economic reasons behind the philanthropic gesture by the local government leaders and decided to stage an unruly protest at the site as diggers drove all around them. 'They could have caused the drivers to be injured, the insensitive fools!' raged one local politician. 'Don't these kids know nothing?' he continued. Common sense prevailed as the local military were called and instantly CS gassed the kids to make them leave. Democracy in action people.
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, as always…a spitting dervish
And surprise, surprise, you’ve been…a Cisse
Good nighty night night night night, day nurse.
Good evening and how’s your bum for spots? Surprise, surprise, I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Weatherman hits cold spell
The Internet hits the dark
Mars a day keeps the retards away
Beyonce - munter?
Zoom - there goes fast food
Joey Barton breaks new record
First, and weatherman Fred ‘He fell in the water’ Eccles has been convicted and jailed for touching young boys. Apparently he was drunk at the time. The judge said that this was no mitigation as the young boys were playing against Everton in the Europa league at the time.
In related news, Gary Glitter got 16 years for similar offences. Which is surprising as previously, 16 years would have been too old for him…
Now, the internet is facing a ‘dark age’ according to some geeky weirdo in a lab coat. Apparently, because we store everything on-line or on our devices, as we progress, these files and photos will become inaccessible to us due to technological developments. As example, Swedish Professor, Bores Merigid cited Windows 95 or floppy discs. Information stored on these formats is no longer accessible to 98% of the devices we now use, as technology has moved on so far already. At least we won’t have to watch Madonna falling off the stage again…ever.
Ryanair are in hot water again as their latest advert seems to promote Palermo as a mafia hotbed.
We know where you live - we’ll even pick you up!
NASA now, and the government has decided that the list of people applying to go on the first one-way trip to Mars is far too long. To eradicate this overage on the passenger list, they have restricted applications to only the most appropriate people for a one-way trip to Mars, namely ‘Stars’ of reality shows such as TOWIE and Geordie Shore. Although special dispensation has been given to Katie Price and Piers Morgan, who will be piloting the ship…
Politics, and Vladimir Putin has denied sending bombers to spy on the UK, saying that the pilots were new and ‘lost their way’. We tried to speak to a spokesman for the opposition party in Moscow, but he seems to have accidently severed his own head whilst shaving.
Now, the Beyonce debacle rumbles on, as her agent has been forced to publish before and after photos from her cover shoot for a leading glossy magazine in an attempt to deflect criticism that the star had the snaps photo-shopped. ‘Absolute fabrication,’ he said of the claims. Or was it the photos? Judge for yourselves:
Before
After
Health news, and it has been claimed that Fast Food is not good for you - repeat, Fast Food isn’t good for you. Which shouldn’t stop anyone going to McDonald’s or Burger King - if you’ve been in lately, it certainly ain’t fast.
Politics, again. On the back of more damning reports regarding the government failure to deal with any issues whatsoever, Ded Miliband has once more jumped on the bandwagon and the REO Speedwagon to promise what his government will do for us once the Labour party wins the next election. So far he aims to reduce the national debt year-on-year, eradicate the national deficit on an annual basis, balance the books of the welfare state, evict all immigrants, make the NHS a feasible and working financial model, find Shergar, reveal who shot Kennedy, show us where Wally is, explain exactly what the Romans have ever done for us, and finally come up with a proper explanation on the Eastenders murder that people can actually bloody understand. An oldie but goodie, so why waste it? Kind of shows how the political parties are moving on - not.
Turning to US politics and the war of words is heating up. But to be honest, we can’t be arsed to listen to all the bullshit, so here’s a cartoon that pretty much sums it all up:
Finally, sport, and Joey Barton has created a new record in the last week, as he managed to achieve 7 yellow cards in 7 consecutive games, a new Premier League record. He would have extended the record further, but unfortunately in last week’s game he received a straight red, leaving him exasperated and disappointed. Never mind Joey, there’s always next season.
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, as always…a dodgy tackler
And surprise, surprise, you’ve been…Matic
Good nighty night night night night, day.
Hello, good evening and welcome. I’m Andy Knobshank, and this is…Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
U2 sat-nav crashes
Racism rears its ugly head again and again
Students - to be or not to be?
Tax avoidance blues
Jeb Bush - you’re ‘avin’ a laff
Disney’s latest cartoon crash
The new Isis washing machine
The Oscar’s - blown away
Tina Fey replies to Dick Head
Boxing - beats me
But first tonight;
The new U2 sat-nav, unveiled last week by Bono, has suffered devastating failure as customers returned them to stores. The main complaint was that the streets had no name.
Chelsea’s poor week has continued as the race row rumbles on. Over to ace investigative reporter Rio McFerdinand for the latest:
Now; what price education? The Coalition is currently accused of increasing student debt for a graduate from £20,000 to over £43,000. The Labour party claim that should they gain power, they would scrap university fees and impose a Graduation Tax instead. The shadow-finance minister explained:
“If the youth of this country want to improve themselves and get on, then they should damn well pay for it like the rest of us. If they’d rather not, and would rather sit on their lazy arses watching Jeremy Kyle on a 50” Smart TV whilst the state pays them to bring up their numerous offspring, then they should go on the dole. Damned dreamers.”
Business; and a world-renowned philosopher has posed the government a conundrum. Why do corporations spend so much money on advertising to get the consumer to buy their products with their hard-earned cash, only to hide the cash generated in off-shore accounts to avoid paying tax? Philosopher Hugh Janikitoff calls this the ‘Starbucks enigma’. We called Starbucks for a comment. They sent us a picture message by way of response:
Politics - sort of, and we hear that Jeb Bush is going to run for President. Honest. This press release from the Bush camp explains exactly why Jeb is ‘his own man’.
Moving on to the movies, Disney’s latest picture will feature a German protagonist with a small French Side-kick who leads the fight against a race of Islanders determined to bring Europe to its knees by its blind greed and stupidity, using a wooden horse. The film will be titled ‘The Grexit’ and will be coming to a continent near you soon…
Technology, and Hotpoint has announced plans for a new washing machine to be named ‘The Isis’. They intend it to be a hot wash machine in which you can place your brain to wash it clean of all infidel ideas. It will be coming soon to a terrace near you…
Art, and Tracey Emin has revealed the statuette she has designed to drag the Oscars into the 21st Century. According to the artist herself, it represents the real face of showbiz and stardom.
Well blow me…the new Oscar
Staying with showbiz, and the vacuous piece of talentless detritus that is Prick Hilton, failure of the Celebrity (guffaw) Big Brother house, has raised ire from the award-winning talentress Tina Fey. In an open message, she replied to his recent comments.
Women, huh! What are they good for?
Law enforcement, and FBI boss Chuck McWotsreality claimed in a recent interview that ‘everyone’s a little bit racist’. Ace reporter Chin-Chin McGrew investigates:
TV, and we finally discovered who killed Lucy Beale. As if we fucking care.
Finally tonight, and the sport that is pugilism. Last night saw David Price win another fight against a guy that Eddie Hearn had dragged off the streets with the promise of a warm shower and a McDonald’s value meal. His next fight will be against the fat bully from Class 6 in Year 11.
And that’s Trope News for tonight.
I’ve been…not frackin’ happy.
And you’ve been…a fossil fuel.
Nighty night night. And farewell, farewell.
Hello, good evening and welcome. I’m forever blowing bubbles and this is…Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Fifty Shades of IMF
New research on sugar and obesity
Plane downed by nut
Keeper keeps his job
Obscene pay-packet for football
Tiger Woods on his failure to fill holes
HMRC - OMG WTF
Phone tapping - again
But first tonight;
The ex-boss of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Khan, is once more having to defend claims of corruption and nepotism following more revelations about the orgies he attended with prominent politicians and businessmen. ’Look,’ he whined upon getting caught, ‘I own a helicopter, I wear grey - that’s near enough to Christian for the slags I shag. We’re just reliving the book, that’s all. Jealous tossers.’ He declined to elucidate on his ‘Christian’ comment, but we’ve never seen him in church…
Scientists who have just declared that their recent research proves indisputably that sugar has no link to obesity are feeling rather red-faced as a leading researcher for the project revealed that the research was funded by the Sugar Council of Unified Middle-England, or SCUM as it is more commonly known. SCUM CEO and founder, Mitchell Appallingly-Loaded, or MAL as he’s known, defended the research saying, ‘Our researchers and scientists are one hundred percent behind this important and very valid research to discover the source of childhood obesity. Sugar isn’t it. Maybe you should leave these hard-working and totally ethical people alone and go speak to McDonald’s. So there.’
We tried to contact the lead scientist involved in the research project, Dr Ian Invertebrate, but he was too busy conducting valuable research into further obesity issues, funded by the Lard And Fat Association Towards Understanding More Of Research On Nutritional Standards (LAFATUMORONS).
The latest LAFATUMORONS advertising campaign
Now, the South Korean choebol conglomerates - that’s family run businesses in the country - are once more causing controversy as yet another business has been used as a personal plaything by the boss’s daughter of a National Airline. Drin Kin Too Mutch was evicted from a plane for complaining about the type of peanuts that she’d been served, the packet size, the bowl they were served in, the stewardess’s hair-colour, the fact that the sky was blue and the grass was green, and sundry other niggles. Defending her in court today, her father’s lawyer, In Sen Tilp Ruven, argued that until anyone at the airline could prove her complaints unfounded, she would continue to fly ‘her way’ and not ‘use the highway’.
In Cen Tilp Ruven’s company advertising says it all
Sport, and Rangers keeper Simon Says Simonsen has been banned for several games after being accused of betting on the results of over 55 football matches. His boss, club owner Mike ‘Sincere’ Ashley today held a press conference in which he refuted claims of duplicity by his employee, stating that ‘Stevie plays in the Scottish Premier League, so there can be no wrong-doing here as all the bets he placed were on my behalf and placed on Newcastle United games.’ That sorts that out then…
Staying with the bloated behemoth that is football, The FA have just dried the ink on a TV deal for football rights to show matches for the next 2 weeks, worth a purported 17 trillion pounds. That’s GBP, not Ugandan. The beaming, hand-rubbing spokesman for the FA declined to comment, saying only that ‘that’s our retirement fund sorted, now where’s them resignation forms…’
Sport - again - I think - and Tiger Woods’ failure to fill holes - on a golf course - has led him to announce ‘an indefinite break from the game’. He added that he’d not been ‘filling as many holes as he’d like to’, - on a golf course - and that he ‘wishes to spend more time with the people that are important to me - like the wife. Not mine of course’.
Business, and HMRC continue to be embroiled in allegations and counter-refutations over e-mails they may or may not have received over the last 150 years. As there was no-one available at the HMRC for comment, we e-mailed them the accusations and requested a comment. However, so far we have not received a reply. Unless of course it’s lost in our system…for years to come. Goose or gander? You decide.
Reportage, and The Scum newspaper - hah - has printed a transcription of a voicemail it has intercepted, that irrefutably proves that Trinity Mirror, the company that owns the other worthless rags in the UK, are guilty of phone-hacking. Oh boy…
Science now, and scientists have proven beyond a doubt that dogs - man’s best friend - can spot a happy human face, and like watching TV. Interestingly, the lead scientist in the study claims that the two circumstances must be connected as no-one has ever seen a dog watching a Soap Opera…
Entertainment - phut- and the overhyped bollocks that is the moronically-anticipated 50 Shades of Shit opened this weekend. Our comment? See below.
IMAX have enhanced the cinema experience
Finally tonight, we have the following bizarre story that just proves one thing - no matter how much weird shit we make up, real life will trounce us every time.
And that’s Trope News for tonight.
I’ve been…the sperm of satan.
And you’ve been…his receptacle.
Nighty night night. And farewell.
Good evening and how do you do. I’m Kenji and Moaz and this…is Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Magna Carta found in sandwich
Sepp Blatter - twat?
Card debacle sorted - sort of
Religious studies see sense
Anchor throws himself overboard
Apple have large bite
Obama - ‘I’m mad’
And Katie Price’s tits in the news again
But first on tonight’s Trope news, a copy of the Magna Carta has been found in a sandwich - what? - oh, right. Correction. A copy of the Magna Carta has been found in Sandwich, the place, not A sandwich, which would be stupid. Ahem. It appears that the copy, not a first generation script, was discovered whilst some nosey researchers were digging in someone’s closet when the manuscript turned up in a waste paper basket that dates back to the 15th century. Which just goes to show that even 600 years ago the politicians were throwing our constitutional rights away to suit themselves.
Now, sport, and world famous footballing legend Luis Figo has joined the growing list of superstars of the game, and Robbie Savage, in applying for the position as FIFA President in the upcoming election. Figo has allied himself to the ‘Get Blatter Out’ campaign, which today unveiled its subtle message to the under-fire but totally oblivious current incumbent of the Presidential position. More on this story later
The new campaign slogan of the ‘Get Blatter Out’ campaign:
Fiscal matters now, and the debacle of the contactless card rumbles on. MPs have demanded that the limit on payments by the cards be raised to reflect the requirements of the average working
family in Britain. David ‘Posh Twat’ Cameron, speaking earlier today, pressed the point. ‘Look, you oily little banking oiks, I am a man of the people, and I’m telling you now, that you need to raise the maximum amount allowed on these cards to £30. That way the hard working families of this country can buy their entire weekly shop for a family of four in one go. So there. What? Not enough? How much? Bloody hockeysticks! What are they buying? Caviar and Krug? Tell them to eat cake! Toodle-pip.’
Moving on to education now, and it has been proposed that religious studies move into the 21st century and get with it. If plans to adjust the courses at GCSE, AS and A-level are successful, candidates will be able to study 2 religions of the world, including Buddhism, Christianity, Catholic Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Judaism and Sikhism. But where is humanist, Pagan, Druidic, Wiccan, Pantheism or non-religious belief (or lack of) in all this you may ask. You may, but you won’t get a straight answer - you know how slippery those fuckers are. Critics claim that only studying 2 religions will give students a totally unbalanced view of the world. They can get that from Fox News the propounders of the course hit back. All of the leaders of the religions included in the course were more than happy with the proposals - surprise, surprise Holly.
A final thought from Mr Matt Johnson
‘If the real Jesus Christ were to stand up today he’d be gunned down cold by the CIA’
Jesus ‘Cannon-Fodder’ Christ
Staying with delusional people now, and we find that US news anchor Brian Williams has jumped ship for a sabbatical. His decision comes after he claimed that whilst reporting in Iraq, he came under RPG fire and was shot down by insurgents in a ‘life-threatening’ situation. Veterans of the actual incident have refuted Williams’ claims as ‘utterly untrue’ and even ‘blatant lies’. Mr Williams apologised and blamed the ‘mistake’ on the ‘fog of memory’.
Investigators have also since discovered that Mr Williams’ claims that he was first on the beaches on D-Day, dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, co-signed the surrender with Hirohito, and has fought his way through the favelas of South America to unmask a corrupt CIA official were documented on the hard-drive of Williams’ X-Box, where he had an entire collection of Call Of Duty games that dated back to the very beginning. They are now searching for the errant newsreader, but can’t seem to track him down in the ‘fog of war’.
Business news, and Apple have announced the biggest corporate profit in history, amounted in just the last 3 months. The number’s that big that I can’t even read it. Apple are understandably chuffed, especially as they’ve only paid 27p in tax this year so far…
Moving on again, and yet again Dame Katie Price is in her God-given place - the news. The philanthropist and all-round saint has been stripped of her Big Brother crown. It has been revealed that she nobbled the vote, managing to receive 3 times the votes she should have. Apparently she had 3 vote-lines running; one for her left boob, one for the right, and one for her total bust. Investigators seethed that it was like a ‘plastic explosion in a tit-drenched Twix factory’. Interesting image - let’s dwell on that a moment…
Finally tonight, President Obama has stated tonight that he is mad. He is so mad, that he has written a ‘very strongly worded letter’, co-signed by his great allies David ‘Posh-twat’ Cameron and - what’s he called? The other one. In the coalition. You do know. No? Okay. With David Cameron and his side-kick Baldrick Wormtongue. It seems that IS have finally overstepped the mark this week in being ‘exceedingly naughty’, and Barak wants to give them a firm message, making it totally clear how angry he is at their actions. Obama states quite clearly that he is so jumping mad, he may even plunge into the national coffers and pay for a recorded DHL delivery. He’s that mad. Perhaps he needs to reconsider his haste first, as the Romans always said that the messenger was in the greatest jeopardy in these situations. Cameron knows his classics, as he has suggested that they get Baldrick Wormtongue to hand-deliver it…
‘See you when you get back Nick…’
That’s the news where I am tonight.
I’ve been…Anti IS
And you’ve been…horrified
Good nighty night night
Good evening, and welcome to Trope News. I’m Andy Knobshank.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Big tits get elbow
Lip-up-suctioned Fatty Woah Fatty lip-up
UKIP defector or deceiver
Boris Johnson explodes again
The King is dead - long live the King
Greece and Germany on brink of war
Pluto gets plumbed
And selfies for world peace
First tonight, we have the story that a lady who had prize assets, suffered terribly for her condition, one that many others would envy. She developed at an early age, and eventually ended up with boobs the size of watermelons. Trying to keep them under cover was a nightmare, as was constant backache and the fact that the KK sized orbs prevented her from ever holding her own baby. Fortunately though, despite being rejected by the NHS for a breast reduction, relief has been found from a sympathetic doctor who has performed the operation for nothing more than gratitude, and the inner peace of helping a fellow human being. Good on him - the NHS and our taxes shouldn’t be used for such wasteful operations.
Meanwhile, a dole-dosser who has managed to pack on a whopping 23 stone in takeaways and flab, is refusing to have a gastric-band fitted on the NHS as she claims that if she loses weight, she’ll have to find a job. This is a wonderful example of self-sacrifice and an individual standing up for their beliefs. Well done, madam - now someone else can have a gastric-band fitted on the NHS using our taxes, a worthy and noble use of government resources that will save some other unfortunate from having to exercise and diet instead of watching Jeremy Kyle. Or being on it.
Politics now, and Nigel Farage is laughing his Union Jack socks off as the furore rages around one of his MEPs defecting to the Cons. Appropriate really claims our Nige, as the MEP in question was recently suspended from UKIP and was under investigation for being a Con. Vict. Allegedly. ‘I can’t believe that Cameron would
take that snake in the grass in,’ raged Mr Farage. Raj was unavailable for comment, as he was busy filming The Big Bang Theory in Brussels.
News has reached us earlier tonight that Boris Johnson has once more exploded with excitement. More on that story later. Maybe.
Sad news now, as the beneficent and big-hearted King of Saudi Arabia has been laid to rest. His successor, some other rich guy, wept as he read the eulogy to a packed crowd of dozens in downtown Riyad. ‘He was a true gentleman,’ the soft sod blubbed. ‘Witness how he allowed whipped journalists time to heal before flaying the flesh from their backs again. See how his love of his people allowed barefaced women over 30 to drive up until 8pm at night. 8pm! Oh, great and powerful beneficent one, we will truly miss your humanity and open-minded governance.’ Indeed we will.
Now, it appears that Greece and Germany may be squaring up for a re-enactment of the Battle of Leipzig. Huh? Greece’s prospective new leader is not enamoured of the austerity measures that are crippling his country as it gradually recovers from bankruptcy. His intent, if moved to power, is to retract his support of the European Union so that his own country can utilise the money saved from the pit that is Brussels. Sounds familiar. Angela Merky meanwhile, is determined that Greece cannot leave. She has locked up their bike, sealed all the exits and spiked their drinks to keep them at the party. This will end badly, mark my words.
Science now, yawn, and some egg-headed boffins have chucked a lump of metal covered in cameras into the night sky, and now, 9 years later, the space-junk is finally nearing Pluto, a planet so boring that it’s no longer even classed as a planet, and they named a stupid cartoon dog after it. The first photos may or may not appear this week, and more in July. We may provide updates as the mission progresses. But don’t count on it.
Waking up now, and our final story shows that the power of those photos classed as vain, shallow and distasteful by people of taste are actually of some use. Believe it or not, selfies may actually cause world peace. This week, Miss Israel posted a selfie with Miss Lebanon. Sources claim that they were partying hard at the residence of Miss Israel when they bumped into each other in the bathroom and decided on an impromptu photo-shoot in an attempt to create an atmosphere of peace, forgiveness and understanding between the 2 cultures. Unfortunately neither was available for
comment when our roving reporter visited. Eyewitnesses claim that in order to avoid the press, both had themselves sedated and then rolled into blankets by heavily armed Government types, before leaving the flat in the boots of black Mercedes, which sped off towards their respective enclaves. Sounds a sensible precaution to me…
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been…a UKIP deserter
And surprise, surprise, you’ve been…Conned
Good nighty night night night night day night.
Good evening, and welcome to Trope News. I’m Andy Knobshank.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News: Your vote’s in the post
Millennium Falcao flies away
From Wall Street to Street Corner
People in Glass-houses
And learning to shoot ourselves
First tonight and it was revealed today why the captain of Northern Ireland’s team received not a single vote in the Ballon D’Or poll. Apparently the executive tasked with sending the application in, missed the post and postman Pat failed to deliver in time. Rumours that Jess the cat has been kidnapped in a reprisal move by the FA against the Post Office are yet to be substantiated.
Staying with football, and it appears that Radamel Falcao will play for one of the world’s best teams next season, according to his manager. We guess he’s leaving Man United then.
Now, reports seem to indicate that an up and coming rising Wall Street starlet has quit her mega-paid job in order to pursue a career in porn films. The lady in question was caught taking risqué selfies and masturbating in the toilets at her office. Her six figure salary, rumoured to be in the region of $150,000 is a drop in the ocean compared to the money she can make having sex on camera. Although it has been rumoured that she could have made more by doing the same in the Big brother house - slapping around for £500,000. It wouldn’t be the first time…This week…
Google, and the mega-mega-all-encompassing media company has withdrawn its Google Glass product. According to the company, the product was merely an experimental item that they were working on, and research has taken them in a different direction to the original vision they had for this item. Cynics report that Google have actually pulled the product as it is very visible as to exactly what kind of sad individuals actually buy these poser gadgets and are Google customers.
Science, and researchers from the University of Loserville have revealed that they have discovered the point where day turns into night. They claim that when day ends, night begins, and bizarrely enough, when night ends, day once again begins. Research grant money well invested we say.
Hope blooms anew this week, as the many people affected by the recent disasters across the world were visited by the Pope, who brought smiles and waves to ease their cares and worries. His Holiness changed the lives of over 6 million alone in Manila during his Happiness Tour 2015, particularly the individual who was crushed to death by collapsing scaffolding as the Pope smiled on at his fan-club. Truly inspiring and just what the refugees needed.
Finally tonight, help is at hand for those who struggle to make their inspirational and tasteful self-portraits truly arty. A photographer in Delusional Land is now advertising a ‘selfie course’ for those people so emotionally deranged and brain-cell deficient that they a) need to constantly send photos of themselves to social media sites, and b) are so thick that they can’t take a photo of themselves from 2 feet away. Rumours abound of a ‘lost’ Tracey Emin selfie circulating in the art underworld, but scientists still scoff at its existence as the lens glass strong enough is still only a theoretical possibility…
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been… an egg-faced jackal
And surprise, surprise, you’ve been…from Nottingham
Good nighty night night night night day.
Good evening, and welcome to the first Trope News of 2015. Je suis Charlie.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Thousands without power in Scotland.
The Conservative Party fights the strikers.
Andy’s new pad.
Rocketman falls flat.
The Voice in the sound of silence scandal.
First, we go to the top of England and that small enclave of wannabe foreigners - or Scotland as it’s commonly known. Thousands of homes - or hovels as they’re commonly known south of the border - have been without any power since the weekend’s battering by the storms sweeping across the north of the country. A bit like their independence campaign then. Alex Salmond has jumped into the issue and garnered much support for his action plan to solve the problem. “Och aye,” he told our reporter, “if anyone affected can ring us or go online and register for aid, we’ll be on it in a jiffy don’tcha know.” And he still wonders why no-one wants him in charge again…
Now, the Tories have said that it intends to make it harder to call strikes in certain "core" public services. They wouldn’t define “core” though. Their plan calls for any strike that may affect ‘health, transport, fire services or schools’ (so I suppose they have defined “core” then - retards), would only be valid if backed by 101% of the union members. When challenged that this was mathematically impossible, David Poshboy Cameron quoted the cases of tax paid by companies such as Starbucks, and the disparity between the percentage payrises of MPs compared to those of public sector workers. Our reporter reported that quantum physics was included in the figures somewhere. Stephen Hawking was unavailable for comment.
Royal news, and Prince Andrew has apparently gone halves on a new pad with ex-squeeze and ginge, Sarah Ferguson. The £13,000,000 shed, high in the Swiss tax-haven of Verbiage was bought with a joint mortgage, through the Halifax. Surprisingly enough at this time of Andy being in the news, Buckingham Palace declined to comment. The corgis looked miffed though.
Science, and a space rocket missed its target, a floating sea platform, and did a Jack Dawson. That’s a Titanic reference for all the dunces out there. Surprisingly, Virgin boss Richard Branson had bugger all to do with it - this mess was all caused by the Yanks, the American SpaceX firm. The company’s CEO Elon Musk (made-up name) was quoted as quoting Mel Gibson (It might have been Eastwood. Or Stallone. Whatever.) "Close, but no cigar," he is reported as saying. His delusion continued in typical American-Branson style when he added "Bodes well for the future tho'. Ship itself is fine. Some of the support equipment on the deck will need to be replaced…Didn't get good landing/impact video. Pitch dark and foggy. Will piece it together from telemetry and...actual pieces." Good luck with that. He later tweeted
that ‘the booster hit the platform hard’. Really? Must have got his Degree in the Bloody Obvious at Harvard. SpaceX intends to keep trying. So maybe they’ve been bought out by Branson after all.
Entertainment, sort of. The Voice (whatever that is) is being pressured to produce a superstar. Apparently its biggest rival, porn show The Sex Factor - what? - oh sorry. Its biggest rival, The X Factor filled the public’s need for yet another boy band by relentlessly marketing someone called One Direction. The voice has no such claim, a semi-finalist from series one who had a number one and then disappeared without trace being the only success so far. A judge, mentor, C-list celebrity on the show called Ricky said "We're building careers, I think…we're not building flash in the pans" before hastily adding "that's not at the detriment of anyone else by the way". The Voice have since sacked him as the voice of The Voice. Eh? Their next success is, they claim, 2014 winner Jermain Jackman, who said when backed into a corner and threatened with a marriage certificate by Katie Price, "It's that whole sense of working hard in silence and letting your success make the noise." Going for the Steve Brookstein route to fame and fortune then, eh, Jermain.
Now, believe it or not, there is a Bromance going on in the Western world of politics. David I’m Posh Cameron claims that Barak Obamalang calls him ‘bro’. Dave may need to check his cultural dictionaries, as ‘bro’ actually means ‘a member of a beer-pounding, usually shirtless tribe of “young white Americans, often fellow members of a university fraternity, who emulate black rap culture,”’ or “an alpha-male idiot.” Sorry Dave, but you’ll never be an alpha-male. Ever.
Delusional Dave though, seems to take the comment as being Barak’s ‘bro’, or ‘brother.’ Well Dave, your Big Brother is definitely watching you. And that was no selfie he was taking at Mandela’s funeral - it was a photo for the cloning program he’s developing to take over the world.
Onions - not a subject we’ve addressed before. Now, it seems that they are eaten and grown in more countries than any other vegetable. They still stink though.
Finally, sport, and after the humiliation suffered by the already despondent Everton fans when Justin Bieber revealed he’s a Toffee, they received a ray of light as Hollywood A-lister and superstar Tom Hanks revealed his love for Aston Villa. Why Villa? you may ask. Hanks explained:
"I fell in love with Aston Villa because I thought the name sounded like an island off Sardinia."
And they thought their season couldn’t get worse.
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, as last year, so in this…Andy Knobshank
And surprise, surprise, you’ve been…gullible
Good nighty night night night night day.
Good evening, and welcome to 2015. This is the first Trope News of the new year, and so I will be looking back at the Trope headlines from 2014.
I hope you enjoy this brief, octane-filled joy-ride through our archives.
First, David Cameron has finally come clean and admitted that he is indeed, posh. Speaking late last night as he was captured on film leaving a local PTA meeting, he resigned himself to the truth, saying;
‘Yes, it’s true. I’m a posh twat. I know nothing of this football thing, don’t understand what beer is, I don’t own a ferret or a whippet, and couldn’t tell you the price of a loaf of bread, whatever that is. As for the price of petrol, I’m clueless. Where the hell would I put petrol in a horse anyway. I’ve been fighting the truth for too long now, and have finally decided that the time is right to join Posh Twats Anonymous. I hope that you will give myself and my family the time and privacy we need to work through this difficult period in our ancestral line, and please don’t camp on the front lawn of our mansion as the head gardener gets really upset. Thank you.’
Next tonight; Dame Katie Price. What price tits?
Dame Katie Price, supermodel, film star and best-selling novelist added philanthropist to her impressive resume this week, when she held an auction at Christie’s. Her vast legion of fans flocked to the event in the heart of London, looking to bag a bargain bag of goodies from Katie’s vast collection of cups. By all accounts the sale made a great deal of money.
A Christie’s spokesperson told our raving reporter, Alicia Gavell-Brown-Goldmansachsbackandcrack;
‘It went really well, yes. Dame Katie was very happy with the total she managed to raise for her own charity; Wedding Cake Addicts Anonymous. She did take our advice though. She was looking to sell her boob collection as a job lot to the highest bidder, but our auction house manager persuaded her to split them up and sell them by the pound. She made millions I understand. As for the criticism of the proceeds going to her own charity? Well, the Dame said it best; charity begins at home, dunnit?’
Alex Salmond has claimed that he will now run for parliament in order to solve all of the world’s problems. It puts to bed all the cheeky rumours of recent days where the cheeky chappy was playing silly buggers with the press over whether or not he would stand again. He finally capitulated and revealed the truth after he realised that no-one actually gave a shit. The delusional Salmond claimed that upon winning (snigger), he will instantly sort what he terms "three big local challenges". These are in health, transport and jobs. Which begs the question, why the hell didn’t he do anything about it when he was First Minister?
Now, the debacle that is James Brown’s funeral is becoming more heated as it was reported earlier today that James has still not been buried yet. The coroner initially requested that Mr Brown undergo an autopsy in a bid to discover his Mojo. Since this bid failed however, no funeral has yet taken place. A spokesperson for the coroner’s office told me this evening, “He just won’t lay still. Every time we try to nail the lid down, his hips start again and we just can’t get the casket shut!”
Now to the economy and the European crisis that is enveloping the Coalition. George Osborne is claiming victory over the European monetary powers as he aims to rebuff their attempts to make Britain repay monies they say were overpaid. Critics laughed long and hard at his announcement; however his boss, Dave ‘La-di-da’ Cameron, came to his defence, telling an expectant audience;
“Look, just leave him alone will you. I can totally refute any accusations that he made this up. I can categorically state that last night, George negotiated a full 50% discount off the bill. Not only that, but he prevented any imposition of interest on the sum demanded, and even got us some crispy won-tons thrown in for free. So there.”
Moving on, we have an apology. The interview we were to have with Tony Blair where he was to explain his tardiness in appearing at hearing meetings had been cancelled due to Tony’s no-show. So, in his place we have a set of false teeth and a copy of Geoffrey Archer’s book, ‘How to lie under oath’, ghost-written by Katie Price. That should cover it.
Staying with delusional leaders of the Labour party now, we hear that Ded Miliband has outlined his party’s manifesto promises for the upcoming general election. He says, amongst other pipe-dreams, that he will reduce the national debt year-on-year, eradicate the national deficit on an annual basis, balance the books of the welfare state, evict all immigrants, make the NHS a feasible and working financial model, find Shergar, reveal who shot Kennedy, show us where Wally is, and explain exactly what the Romans have ever done for us.
Meanwhile, and staying with politics, in the loosest possible sense of the word; Ed Miliband, fresh from sacking party members for showing holiday snaps deemed ‘snobbish’ on Facebook, has added to his latest schemes - including jumping on the Beat Cancer bandwagon, the Ebola bandwagon, the Bob Geldof bandwagon, and the REO Speedwagon - by claiming that he will now solve poverty across the world. Speaking in Lapland earlier today, he unveiled his plan to ‘visit every child in the world on a single night and deliver them presents’. I guess he’s bringing Santa back…
Politics: David Posh Twat Cameron has revealed Tory plans for winning the next election. He has told our reporter that the entire Tory party are to defect to UKIP, then when they win the election, they will all defect back, thereby passing power to the Conservatives once more. Sounds simple… Cameron that is.
More apologies: during an earlier fiscal report concerning the upturn in the economy, we used the term ‘the light at the end of the tunnel.’ We would now like to correct our mistake. There is and never was a light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently it was the flickering flames cast by the torches of seven dwarf hedge-fund managers recently fired by Goldman Locks. They were looking to enter the UK in order to find work. They have since been taken out and shot, as required under the coalition government’s new drive to lessen the tax burden caused by illegal immigrants.
Entertainment (sort of); in the aftermath of Black Friday, Simon Cowell has revealed that he stole an idea from a card game company and made a stand against the ‘gross indecency and vacuous consumerism’ revealed by the day of bargains. He decided to remove the X-factor winner, Ben Heynowi’mfamousyou know’s single, ‘You’ll have forgotten about me by New Year’ and replaced all
sales with a gift-wrapped box of male cow faeces. His spokesman came out to reveal Simon’s reason to our reporter. ‘Ya, you know, Mr God wanted to show his displeasure at people’s greed in the Black Friday sale, so he decided to replace the CD and download with an actual representation of everything the X-factor stands for - a pack of bullshit’.
Moving to Switzerland now, and inhabitants of the Nazi’s favourite neutrality have bizarrely rejected a proposal to cut net immigration to no more than 0.2% of the population. Pro-voters said that it would be good for the Swiss economy. Opponents said ‘don’t be bloody stupid, it would be very bad for the economy’. Currently, of Switzerland's eight million population, 25% are foreigners. Which makes it more bizarre, the hypocrites.
This wasn’t the only referendum today in Switzerland; they also voted on banning yodelling in avalanche zones, and on having same-sex couples on the front of cuckoo clocks. Both, too, were rejected.
Oh, those kooky Swiss, eh?
Finally tonight, sport, and a defensive wall collapsed at a Caernarfon football ground during the Welsh Cup. The wall collapsed as a free-kick was lofted over it into the top corner of the goal. The fans went crazy, having never seen a goal before in any Welsh game, ever. Their jubilation was short-lived though as the pile of bricks they were leaning on fell over. It took a quick call to a local Polish builder, and 10 minutes to rebuild the pile before play could resume. The home team finally ended on the losing side, which serves them right for their crap workmanship. After the incident, the Football Association of Wales was hurriedly formed in order to give the teams and fans someone to complain to. No-one was injured in the reporting of this incident.
To sport, and Lewis Hamilton has apparently won a bottle of bubbly and a tin cup for driving a car really fast in a circle 70 odd times. Wow. If he thinks that’s good he should come and watch the joyriders on our estate after dark.
And that’s it for our look-back to last year’s Trope News.
The new series for 2015 begins on the 11th of January.
Don’t miss it - or Santa will eat your soul.
What?
Bugger - I meant Satan, not Santa.
Sorry.
I’ve been…a year older.
You’ve been…Marty McFly.
Happy New Ears.
Good evening, or I’m all about that base as Darth Vader would say. I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
3D legs running away with it
Profumo pops off
X-Factor causes major medical panic
Body found in sewer
The Christmas number one song debacle
And an exclusive interview with Smaug the dragon
First tonight; we have news of the amazing dog Katie, who was born with stumps for her front legs. For years she has used a wheelchair specially adapted to her needs so that she could move around. Now though, vets have created Katie prosthetic limbs using a 3D printer. The legs have proven to be a hit with the little bitch, who is now much more mobile and has, according to her owner, Maxine Cliff-face, ‘a much better quality of life’. A heart-warming story I’m sure you’ll agree. Rumours are rife that the vets will now attempt to produce Boris Johnson a brain using the same process.
Now, Mandy Rice-Davies, made famous - or infamous, some may say - by the Profumo affair in the 1960s, has passed away. Our condolences go to her family and relatives. Mandy is credited by some as being the final personality to screw MP’s, before they decided that the tables must turn - they’ve spent the last decades screwing us. See our exclusive video here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOG3TtaYsng
Moving on, and the X-factor scare that created chaos in A&E departments across the country last weekend has finally calmed down. It appears that the ambulance service and A&E departments were inundated with emergency cases as people waiting for Dermot-pause-tumbleweed-O’leary to finally to finish the sentence ‘and the winner of the X-factor 2014 is…’ held their breath for so long, waiting for the answer, that dozens passed out and had to be resuscitated. Things seem to have calmed down though at 4.26am Wednesday when he finally revealed the answer. One A&E doctor, James Columbo described the episode; ‘It was murder’ he claimed.
Surprise Surprise returned this weekend, when it was revealed that the winner of the Strictly Come Dancing final had more training and education in dance than her professional partner, Pasha. ‘We’re shocked’ said no-one ever.
Politics now, and the body that was found in the sewers below the House of Commons has been identified as that of a jobless vagrant known locally as Nick Clegg. The coroner has revealed that the cause of death was asphyxiation - apparently he choked on his own bullshit.
Staying with shit, in the aftermath of Black Friday, Simon Cowell has revealed that he stole an idea from a card game company and made a stand against the ‘gross indecency and vacuous consumerism’ revealed by the day of bargains. He decided to remove the X-factor winner, Ben Heynowi’mfamousyou know’s single, ‘You’ll have forgotten about me by New Year’ and replaced all sales with a gift-wrapped box of male cow faeces. His spokesman came out to reveal Simon’s reason to our reporter. ‘Ya, you know, Mr God wanted to show his displeasure at people’s greed in the Black Friday sale, so he decided to replace the CD and download with an actual representation of everything the X-factor stands for - a pack of bullshit’.
And now, our exclusive interview with Smaug the Dragon. Over to our raving - sorry, roving reporter, Alicia Gavell-Brown-Goldmansachsbackandcrack.
Alicia: ‘Oh yes, tharnk you Arndy. Here with me is Mr Smaug, star of several Tolkein movies. How do you do Mr Smaug?’
Smaug: ‘Yeah, not bad love. Know what I mean like.’
Alicia: ‘Hmmm. Indeed. So, I understarnd that you are not happy about your portrayal in these films.’
Smaug: ‘Yeah, love. Know what I mean. I’ve been demonised like. All this guff about me burning down Dale and Laketown, and Tottenham in the riots, and robbing height-restricted-people (you can’t say Dwarves anymore can you), know what I mean like. I’ve been painted as the villain here love, know what I mean.’
Alicia: ‘But the plot sticks closely to the book I understand.’
Smaug: ‘Yeah, like but that’s another lie innit like, know what I mean love. That Tolkein dude, he ‘ad a thing about Dragon’s you know. Look what he did to Glaurung , Ancalagon , and Scatha , to name three like. It’s not on. He made out we were evil. Bollocks love. All we wanted to do was sleep in peace. Then some snotty hero or thief, in that bastard midget Bilbo’s case, come creeping round me crib like, trying to nick me hard-earned gold and stuff. It’s not on love, not on at all like.’
Alicia: ‘Hmmm. Indeed Mr Smaug.’
Smaug: ‘And as for that smug bastard Jackson, he’s just perpetuating a stereotype of us like, know what I mean. You can tell ‘im, if I see ‘im out in the pub, he’d better run. And that tart Fran Walsh.’
Alicia: ‘Hmmm. Thank you Mr Smaug. Back to the studio. Andy.’
Thank you Alicia, there with Smaug the dragon.
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, from introspection…Andy Knobshank.
And you’ve been, from an vanity…vain.
Good nighty night night night night night night.
Good evening, or Ich liebe dick as Brendan Rogerer would say. I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
An exclusive interview with Tony Blair
UKIP MP in drug scandal
Ded Miliband; delusional again
The CIA - a steep learning curve
And in the sports headlines, the result of the London Professional High-Diving contest.
The CIA director has taken the unprecedented move of coming to the press to defend his organisation’s use of torture tactics in order to obtain suspected terrorist information. In an attempt to justify the practices of some of his agents in the aftermath of 9-11, he apologised for those ‘rogue agents’ within the organisation that he said had ‘overstepped the line’. As part of the fall-out to this issue, he has added that after 9-11, the CIA found itself in a position that it had never encountered before, with unprecedented access to toys and techniques, and an open card to ‘do whatever was necessary’ to obtain information. Many of the practices, he claims, were just that - ‘practice’. ‘Look,’ he told our reporter, ‘we didn’t know what we were doing, so we made up our own ingenious tactics to obtain the relevant information. Basically, we were just practising. And,’ he added, ‘the President told us to do it. So there.’
The main voice of dissension in this, whistle-blowing backstabber Chuck ‘Ilovemycountry’ McQueen scoffed at the ‘pitiful excuses’, adding, ‘Look - if a total retard like George W Bush tells you to do something, you do the opposite. The guy’s about as switched on to world politics and human rights as Bill Clinton is to women’s rights. Y’all.’
Moving on, we have an apology now. The interview we were to have with Tony Blair where he was to explain his tardiness in appearing at hearing meetings had been cancelled due to Tony’s no-show. So, in his place we have a set of false teeth and a copy of Geoffrey Archer’s book, ‘How to lie under oath’, ghost-written by Katie Price. That should cover it.
Staying with delusional leaders of the Labour party now, we hear that Ded Miliband has outlined his party’s manifesto promises for the upcoming general election. He says, amongst other pipe-dreams, that he will reduce the national debt year-on-year, eradicate the national deficit on an annual basis, balance the books of the welfare state, evict all immigrants, make the NHS a feasible and working financial model, find Shergar, reveal who shot Kennedy, show us where Wally is, and explain exactly what the Romans have ever done for us.
Staying with fake politics now, and it has been revealed that the UKIP MP castigated for making homophobic and racist comments in an undercover telephone recording, had a perfectly valid reason for doing so. His party chairman has gone on record as saying that the MP, Kerry Smith - made up name - was on drugs taken to alleviate pain caused by an earlier injury ‘sustained in a
football hooliganism incident’. ‘Look,’ argued the party chairman, ‘when I’m off me tits on crystal meth, I say daft things. We all do. It’s one of them things, innit?’
Finally tonight, we have the results of the London Professional High-Diving contest. In third place we find Tom Daley. Second place and runner-up was Diego Costa. The winner by a clear country mile was Gary Cahill. Well done son. Bet your manager’s proud…
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, from midnight tonight…Andy Knobshank
And you’ve been, from an anachronism…late
Good nighty night night night night night night.
Good evening, or guten tagen mein herr, as the French say when there’s a war on. I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Katie Price novel falls through
Judge goes too far
Old popsters piss off Simon Cowell
And, in politics (snigger) a salmond tries swimming upstream
But first tonight, we start with the sad news that the ghost-writer of Katie Price’s 14 published novels - you didn’t actually believe she wrote them did you? - has sadly passed away at a tragically young age. Our thoughts are with her family. Katie Price meanwhile is said to be sweating on the condition of her body double, as it may mean she has to do something for a living.
A top judge in an asylum case has caused outrage by the way he has referenced the individuals involved in the case. Apparently he has referred to the dole-dossing, waste-of-space council estate scum he is dealing with as ‘not nice people, akin to estate-agents and bankers’. This programme in no way condones this behaviour and attitude - the day that dole-dossing, waste-of-space council estate scum sink to the level of estate-agents and bankers will be the end of civilization as we know it.
Now, we turn to music, and Pink Floyd have broken One Direction’s record for pre-sales with their album, the Endless Drivel - what? Oh, sorry - River. Simon Cowell is said to be furious that - to quote his agent - ‘some aging musicians can outsell one of the most artistically and creative, hard-working pop groups ever made. What next? They all turn up in the jungle and oust Jake Mega-famous Quickie-one? Ridiculous.’ He then went on to deny that Cowell is only so pissed off because he couldn’t get a piece of The Floyd. Unsubstantiated reports claim that sounds of sobbing and ‘all that lovely cash I can’t get my hands on’ were heard coming from his dressing room. Although some say it was Cheryl -What-the-hells-me-name-this-week-chuck upon hearing of Ashley’s pay rise at Chelsea. Allegedly.
Alex Salmond has claimed that he will now run for parliament in order to solve all of the world’s problems. It puts to bed all the cheeky rumours of recent days where the cheeky chappy was playing silly buggers with the press over whether or not he would stand again. He finally capitulated and revealed the truth after he realised that no-one actually gave a shit. The delusional Salmond claimed that upon winning (snigger), he will instantly sort what he terms "three big local challenges". These are in health, transport and jobs. Which begs the question, why the hell didn’t he do anything about it when he was First Minister?
Premier ‘Mr Oxo Kipling’ Foods is facing a massive backlash after it was revealed that the company charges its suppliers in order to deal with them. The company claimed that they had been "misunderstood and misinterpreted". Yeah right. Caught with their hands in the till, one reporter called it, whilst Phil Mitchell applauded the company for its tactics saying ‘look geez, it’s only what me and Ross Kemp would’ve done with all the local shopkeepers. Know what I mean?’
Premier Foods, in response claimed that it was now moving to a conventional scheme. Called honesty probably…
Finally tonight, Christmas is coming, politicians are getting fat, and Clintons Cards is getting stupider. They have published a card listing 10 reasons why Santa Claus 'must live on a council estate'. Their very perceptive greeting card listed the following reasons amongst the ten:
* He has a serial record for breaking and entering
* He only works once a year
* He's never actually been seen doing any work in his whole life
* He drinks alcohol during working hours
Very misjudged but bloody funny.
Clintons have now removed the card from sale, but they claim to have at least solved one conundrum that people have pondered over the last few weeks - we now know what job Dean from Skint was given. Ho ho ho.
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, through evolution…Andy Knobshank
And you’ve been, through devolution…gullible
Good nighty night night night night night mein herr.
Good evening and how do you do? Remember me? I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
George Osborne kicks Ed’s Balls live on TV
Mickey Rourke shirks the Hollywood obsession with plastic surgery
Unusual sight on the streets of Kiev
Switzerland play Ecopop
And in sport, defensive wall collapses under pressure.
But first tonight, politics, and George Osborne confirms an extra £2billion for the NHS, and fines paid by banks to be used to improve GP services (yeah, right; as if that’ll ever happen).
‘This will work,’ he bragged to our roving reporter, Alicia Gavell-Brown Goldmansackbackandcrack.
Ed Balls, in heated response, said that Osborne's £2billion for the NHS is 'crisis money'.
That was when it all kicked off, with name-calling, hair-pulling and spitting.
Balls continued the argument, claiming that Labour’s plans to tax ‘those rich, toffee-nosed bastards in their big la-di-da houses’ would raise the money to invest £2.5billion more than Osborne’s plan, and that he had ‘thought of it first. So there.’
Osborne stuck his tongue out, picked up his marbles (the few he has left) and went home.
Now, who would you expect to see boxing a 29 year old in Moscow? The answer is, Hollywood actor Mickey Rourke. Honestly. I mean it. No bullsh*t. It may have only been an exhibition match, but after 20 years away from the ring, his chosen opponent was 33 years younger than him.
It wasn’t pretty, as the referee stopped the fight eventually, but Rourke had already sent his opponent to the canvas twice in the second round.
The match organisers claimed that both pugilists were paid ‘large amounts of money’ but failed to tell Trope News how many hundreds of millions. Billions we think. But we’ll never know.
We tried to force from Rourke exactly why he’d gone back in the ring at the grand old age of 162, apart of course from the millions (billions we reckon) he received. He refused our advances, but an inside source said ‘where else could he get paid for such treatment that would normally cost thousands from a plastic surgeon?’ Exactly.
Staying on the Russian side of the planet, and last night saw a plane wheeled through the streets of Kiev. An actual airplane. With wings and everything. A big one. A jumbo or something. More details later. Maybe.
Moving to Switzerland now, and inhabitants of the Nazi’s favourite neutrality have bizarrely rejected a proposal to cut net immigration to no more than 0.2% of the population. Pro-voters said that it would be good for the Swiss economy. Opponents said ‘don’t be bloody stupid, it would be very bad for the economy’. Currently, of Switzerland's eight million population, 25% are foreigners. Which makes it more bizarre, the hypocrites.
This wasn’t the only referendum today in Switzerland; they also voted on banning yodelling in avalanche zones, and on having same-sex couples on the front of cuckoo clocks. Both, too, were rejected.
Oh, those kooky Swiss, eh?
Finally tonight, sport, and a defensive wall collapsed at a Caernarfon football ground during the Welsh Cup. The wall collapsed as a free-kick was lofted over it into the top corner of the goal. The fans went crazy, having never seen a goal before in any Welsh game, ever. Their jubilation was short-lived though as the pile of bricks they were leaning on fell over. It took a quick call to a local Polish builder, and 10 minutes to rebuild the pile before play could resume. The home team finally ended on the losing side, which serves them right for their crap workmanship. After the incident, the Football Association of Wales was hurriedly formed in order to give the teams and fans someone to complain to. No-one was injured in the reporting of this incident.
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, from conception…Andy Knobshank
And you’ve been, from inception…gullible
Good nighty night night night night night.
Good evening and how ya doing geez? Surprise, surprise, I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen’s winter wonderland not quite so wonderful
Lewis Hamilton wins a championship
Whelan - have the wheels come off the trolley at Wigan?
And - has Ed Miliband taken Movember a step too far?
But first:
An apology to Simon Cowell. We would like to apologise unreservedly to Mr Cowell for any distress we may have caused him during our profile of him last week. During our report we used various words and phrases to describe the media mogul; including vain, narcissistic, ego-led, conceited, self-satisfied, pretentious, pointless, hollow, shallow, vacuous, egocentric and exhibitionist, as well as saying that he would never marry because he could never find anyone who loved him as much as he loves himself. Well, since our broadcast, Mr Cowell’s lawyer has been in touch with the programme to protest. Apparently we failed to describe his client as ‘God-like’. Sorry.
Now to everyone’s favourite subject of the moment - Christmas. An attraction described as a ‘winter wonderland’, and designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, has opened and closed faster than Jordan’s legs on a wedding night. ‘People just don’t get modern minimalistic design,’ complained Llewelyn-Bowen before adding, ‘Pretentious? Moi? Never!’ and flouncing away.
To sport, and Lewis Hamilton has apparently won a bottle of bubbly and a tin cup for driving a car really fast in a circle 70 odd times. Wow. If he thinks that’s good he should come and watch the joyriders on our estate after dark.
Football now: Wigan owner Dave Mad-dog Whelan, who dropped out of sight after his embarrassing gaffe in the press this week, has been spotted in his local takeaway buying his tea. Sources say that he was in his local chinky, The Tanned Man, with an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman…
Politics: David Posh Twat Cameron has revealed Tory plans for winning the next election. He has told our reporter that the entire Tory party are to defect to UKIP, then when they win the election, they will all defect back, thereby passing power to the Conservatives once more. Sounds simple… Cameron that is.
Meanwhile, and staying with politics, in the loosest possible sense of the word; Ed Miliband, fresh from sacking party members for showing holiday snaps deemed ‘snobbish’ on Facebook, has added to his latest schemes - including jumping on the Beat Cancer bandwagon, the Ebola bandwagon, the Bob Geldof bandwagon, and the REO Speedwagon - by claiming that he will now solve poverty across the world. Speaking in Lapland earlier today, he unveiled his plan to ‘visit every child in the world on a single night and deliver them presents’. I guess he’s bringing Santa back…
And that’s the news tonight in Trope Newsland.
I’ve been, as always…Andy Knobshank
And surprise, surprise, you’ve been…gullible
Good nighty night night night night.
Good evening and how do you do. Surprise, surprise, I’m Andy Knobshank and this is… Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
Nick Clegg - Cameron still hasn’t found a job for him.
Ferage rage.
Deja-vu - have you heard of it before?
But first, a correction.
During an earlier fiscal report concerning the upturn in the economy, we used the term ‘the light at the end of the tunnel.’ We would now like to correct our mistake. There is and never was a light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently it was the flickering flames cast by the torches of seven dwarf hedge-fund managers recently fired by Goldman Locks. They were looking to enter the UK in order to find work. They have since been taken out and shot, as required under the coalition government’s new drive to lessen the tax burden caused by illegal immigrants.
Politics. Nick Clegg is the victim of I.D. theft – apparently the Conservatives have completely stolen his party’s identity.
Meanwhile, the UKIP debate rages on. Or rather - UKIP are a bunch of raging loonies.
Celebrity news, and Top Gear presenter Mr Richard Gerbil-Hamster Hammond is once more in intensive care after he crashed his supercar overtaking on the wrong side of the road. He was attempting to beat Usain Bolt in the 4 by 100 relay and was hit by an oncoming Russian shot-putter. His condition is reported as critical but stupid. Sorry, stable.
And now, the solar power debate. Scientists claim that it would take an area of just 254 square kilometres filled with solar panels to power the entire world. Plans are now being put together to pave the whole of Vatican City with them. That should solve 2 of the world’s biggest problems…
Next, we turn to the Jeremy Kyle debacle. The talk-show host - ahem - who, this week, has been designated as Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations. His first task is to bring peace to the Middle-East. This morning, Ambassador Kyle unveiled his plan. First, he aims to get both sides and their families, including both Auntie Joans together to discuss the issues. If necessary, he will insist on polymorph tests on both factions. Next, he intends to perform a DNA test to finally resolve the issue of whether or not Jesus was the son of God. If all else fails he will leave the warring factions with the following advice - “if you’re going to fuck with each other, at least put something on the end of it!” and then impose sanctions on access to Facebook.
Finally, sport. Wayne Rooney has now achieved a collection of a hundred caps. Apparently they have been donated by all the grandmas he shagged who didn’t want to get pregnant by him. He has also played a hundred games for England, kicking a bag of pointless wind around. A bit like the press and Piers Morgan…
And that’s it for the news tonight where I am.
I’ve been…Andy Knobshank
And once again you’ve been…gullible
Good nighty night night night.
Good evening and how do you do. Once again, I’m Andy Knobshank and this is…Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s very packed Trope News:
The Pope on a rope.
James Brown - dead but not buried.
Piers Morgan - twat?
And, Saudi Arabia; driven to distraction.
First tonight on Trope news - there will be another Papal election in the following weeks. The current Pope was giving audience yesterday to a group of eminent scientists in a bid to finally dispel what he sees as ‘the myth’ of dinosaurs and an Earth that is older than 8000 years. In return they asked him to prove the existence of a Supreme Being; at which point he rubbed the lamp on the table beside him, ordered the genie that appeared to eradicate all scientists starting with the present company, turned into a small yellow pixie, hopped onto his twin-horned unicorn and leapt from the balcony to disappear into the sunset. Allegedly…
Now, the debacle that is James Brown’s funeral is becoming more heated as it was reported earlier today that James has still not been buried yet. The coroner initially requested that Mr Brown undergo an autopsy in a bid to discover his Mojo. Since this bid failed however, no funeral has yet taken place. A spokesperson for the coroner’s office told me this evening, “He just won’t lay still. Every time we try to nail the lid down, his hips start again and we just can’t get the casket shut!”
Moving now to the economy and the European crisis that is enveloping the Coalition. George Osborne is claiming victory over the European monetary powers as he aims to rebuff their attempts to make Britain repay monies they say were overpaid. Critics laughed long and hard at his announcement; however his boss, Dave ‘La-di-da’ Cameron, came to his defence, telling an expectant audience;
“Look, just leave him alone will you. I can totally refute any accusations that he made this up. I can categorically state that last night, George negotiated a full 50% discount off the bill. Not only that, but he prevented any imposition of interest on the sum demanded, and even got us some crispy won-tons thrown in for free. So there.”
Staying with the economy, the government has announced today that the failed initiative dubbed ‘Give-us-your-fucking-money’ has led them to sack the company - Slackers-R-Us - tasked with getting the long-term unemployed back to work. In their place, the Minister for Work and Pensions has employed the SAS. In order to assess the capability of long-term claimants, the Managing Director of the SAS, General Flobalobalobalob, has implemented an intensive program of assessments, beginning with what he describes as ‘a ten mile yomp in the Brecon Beacons’. “It’ll be just like a walk in the park for these individuals and will really sort the employable from the lazy good-for-nothing layabouts that have no intention of ever working, but just want to filch from the honest, hard-working tax-payers of this great nation,” he told our roving reporter, Alicia Gavell-Brown-Goldmansachsbackandcrack. Continuing, he claimed that his other new policy of zero-tolerance to the failure of claimants, leading to euthanasia, would prune three hundred billion from the welfare bill over the next ten years. “Get down and give me ten!” he commanded Alicia. She declined.
In other news, the storm that is Piers Morgan’s sexuality rages on. His spoke-person has once again tried to crush rumours that are circling like hungry vultures ready to pick the bones of his failed American career. After the UK told him to ‘stop peddling lies and go fuck himself’, he once again bombed, this time on the other side of the Atlantic. His spokes-person assures us that just because Mr Morgan has, and I quote, ‘finally disappeared up his own arse, it does not necessarily follow that he is homosexual.’ That sorts that out then…
Moving on now to international affairs. Saudi Arabia has announced this evening that it is to relax the restriction on females driving. The ban will be eased somewhat, allowing any woman over 30 to drive up to eight pm every evening, as long as they do not wear makeup behind the wheel.
In entertainment news, we have a raging Cheryl Not-Cole-No-More-You-Get-That?, who is demanding that people respect her new name now that she is remarried. She was fuming earlier when she spoke through her spokesperson, telling Trope News that ‘it’s time people got with the fact that she’s not any of those other names she used to have. Respect her married name and use it - or else!’ Fair enough. It’s a good job her latest husband isn’t a footballer as well. Imagine the cost of THAT shirt.
Finally tonight, an appeal. The Rosey Convent of the Red Apple are desperately searching tonight for one of their singing nuns. Sister Sledge was last reported singing in the chapel, before becoming lost in the music. Anyone who has information relating to this matter, please contact Head nun Kate Price.
And that’s the news where I am.
I’ve been…Andy Knobshank
And you’ve been…skrets
Good nighty night night night.
Good evening and how do you do. I’m Andy Knobshank and this…is Trope News.
Coming up on tonight’s Trope News:
David Cameron - ‘I’m officially posh.’
Dame Katie Price weighs in on the charity issue.
And the red top newspapers - crap, or what?
First, David Cameron has finally come clean and admitted that he is indeed, posh. Speaking late last night as he was captured on film leaving a local PTA meeting, he resigned himself to the truth, saying;
‘Yes, it’s true. I’m a posh twat. I know nothing of this football thing, don’t understand what beer is, I don’t own a ferret or a whippet, and couldn’t tell you the price of a loaf of bread, whatever that is. As for the price of petrol, I’m clueless. Where the hell would I put petrol in a horse anyway. I’ve been fighting the truth for too long now, and have finally decided that the time is right to join Posh Twats Anonymous. I hope that you will give myself and my family the time and privacy we need to work through this difficult period in our ancestral line, and please don’t camp on the front lawn of our mansion as the head gardener gets really upset. Thank you.’
Next tonight; Dame Katie Price. What price tits?
Dame Katie Price, supermodel, film star and best-selling novelist added philanthropist to her impressive resume this week, when she held an auction at Christie’s. Her vast legion of fans flocked to the event in the heart of London, looking to bag a bargain bag of goodies from Katie’s vast collection of cups. By all accounts the sale made a great deal of money.
A Christie’s spokesperson told our raving reporter, Alicia Gavell-Brown-Goldmansachsbackandcrack;
‘It went really well, yes. Dame Katie was very happy with the total she managed to raise for her own charity; Wedding Cake Addicts Anonymous. She did take our advice though. She was looking to sell her boob collection as a job lot to the highest bidder, but our auction house manager persuaded her to split them up and sell them by the pound. She made millions I understand. As for the criticism of the proceeds going to her own charity? Well, the Dame said it best; charity begins at home, dunnit?’
Now we turn to the red top newspapers, those bastions of Britishness that entertain and inform so many working-class people every day. However, one critic has claimed that these so-called reporters and editors will print, ‘any old crap.’ I asked the leading editor of The Scum newspaper for his view.
‘Look mate,’ he told me, ‘we are an institution based on a long and coloured history in this country, and we have a right to uphold the tenets of freedom of speech and inform the British public of exactly what’s going on in the world they live in. Besides, it sells newspapers, dunnit?’
Finally, in the sport headlines - Luis Suarez’ deal with Real Madrid went through months ago, although he still languishes in custody at the airport and he won’t be able to play until 2015. His World Cup biting ban ends this month - however, Spanish Immigration deemed the entry of a ‘dangerous animal’ into the country a concern, and had him quarantined for 6 months whilst they clear him for rabies…
Finally, finally; breaking news. Reports are just coming in that Boris Johnson, being interviewed a few minutes ago by Welsh TV, has become so enthusiastic, excited and exuberant that he has exploded. I repeat, Boris Johnson has exploded. More on that shock development later.
That’s the news where I am tonight.
I’ve been…Andy Knobshank
And you’ve been…gullible
Good nighty night night
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