Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Hiya peeps - I’m back! An’ I’m kicking punditry butt just like when I was in the Prem, like!
So folksies, let’s ‘ave a look at this weekend’s shenanigans in the Prem.
Well, if this is an advert for the Prem, it ain’t selling, if you know what I mean. And if you’ve watched the dross so far, you will.
Just to prove me point, we’ll start wi’ the goalless snore draw that was Aston Vanilla vs Pewkcastle. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. Nuff said.
Chelski put the awesome (guffaw) Double Leicester to the sword. Lack of striker quality is deffo gonna cost the teams coming up - in this league if you get a chance, you gotta take it. The opposition will. Costa can calm down though - two lucky tap-ins against BURnleY and the Crispnickers don’t pay your transfer fee off sonny-jim. Chelski for the title? They’ve hardly been tested yet now have they? Sterner challenges to come, mark my words.
Chrysophase Palace showed what a few years battling in the Prem survival zone will do for you by letting old stalwarts West Shambles beat ‘em at home. Poor, poor, poor.
Louthampton vs West Sandwich Albumen? So boring I fell asleep halfway through writing that sentence. Goalless snore draw. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Onesie pulled it off at home and buried the new Bury by a single strike. In this league boys, that’s enough for 3 points all day long. Steep learning curve guys. And you’re already on the downslope.
Neverton are aptly named ‘cos if they manage to hold a lead or win a game it’ll be a bloody miracle.
2 games, 2 x 2-2. Are the Toffees having a laugh at their own expense?
Dull and Steak City fought out a draw with an early sending off and some bizarre Stevie
Wonderesque refereeing. Come back Howard, all is (almost) forgiven!
Twittering Shitspurs put PQRSTU to the sword to leave Harry ringing his accountant and lawyer. I’m
a celebrity - get me outta here! What’s the betting that Shitspurs get a pummeling in their next
game?
Blunderland vs Manchester still not Reunited? Do me a favour! Van Hire’s turning into the new Arsey
Whinger - and I bet he wishes he had gone to Ares-nil instead of Old Trafford now that he’s making
Moyes look good. Oh wait - Ave Maria is on his way - that’s it then - clean sweep of all trophies now.
Stop panicking Mancs (sorry, wrong fans) - I mean all Man Reunited fans - with the Messiah on his
way your season is saved. How do you spell ‘delusional’?
Perhaps the only high point of the entire Bank Holiday weekend has got to be the
Ditherfool/Mantreasurechester City game. This was a fantastic spectacle of 2 of the best 3 squads in
the Prem going head to head. These 2 will finish first and second again. Don’t let the scoreline flatter
City - Ditherfool had plenty of chances and only poor decision making and finishing in the box left
them pointless from this epic battle. It was like watching 2 master swordsmen playing chess… As
everyone knew before the season started, The Dithers were always gonna miss the buck-toothed
master finisher - and they certainly needed his class and talent tonight as the protégés came up
short. If only the rest of the Prem (outside of Chelski) could entertain us like this! Here’s to the
return match!
And on that final high note, I will bid y’all tara.
Final prayer before bed peeps - please someone make this season get better than this weekend -
else it’s gonna be a long, long 9 months peeps…
Tata for now. Try not to be too disillusioned folks. It can’t get worse…Surely…
Tuesday 26 August 2014
Monday 18 August 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Aye-oop peeps! ‘Tis I, once more - Dobster of the punditry genius!
Let’s take a look at the ‘appenings in the Prem this weekend so far:
Looks like Manchester aren’t quite Re-united with the habits of good football and winning points yet. Onesie pulled off a shocker and did ‘em at their own place no less. Onesie had twosie in the net, with Looney’s o’er’ead kick being a mere consolation. Re-united’s defence was as good as my local flood measures holding back the Pacific. More holes than a rusty colander. I’ve said it forever and I’ll keep saying it till the end of another season by the look of it - Jones and Smalling are not worthy of a Re-united shirt, let alone an England one. Van Hire needs to sort this lot and sharpish, cos when the big boys come to town, they’ll tear these jokers apart.
The new boys of Crispville gave the Toffees a damn good game, using home advantage to good - er…advantage. Even stevens and all was fair in foot and ball.
Dull showed why they’ll consolidate their position in the Prem this season after the shrewd signings they’ve made. PQRSTU showed the same regarding returning to the Chumpionship.
Steak City were undone, at home surprisingly, by Vanilla’s stalwart Mr Dependable. Gonna be a long season for both teams.
West Sandwich Albumen played a thriller with Blunderland, who pulled yet another Larsson goal from his aching legs. Berahino’s looking a good player for Albumen to wrap in cotton wool already...
Twittering Shitspurs relied on a defender getting fed up with the toothless dross in front of him, and on his way to swap shirts with the Shambles keeper, inadvertently poking the ball into an empty net for the winner. More rubbish from Spurs, more of the same old, same old from Shambles.
Arse-nil dropped off from their performance of last week and came up against a determined Chrysophase Palace side that just don’t have the quality. Arse-nil will do well on this performance, and if they can get and keep Sanchez up to his potential.
Unsurprisingly, Ditherfool managed to see off their A team - no, B team - wait; A team - bugger me; I’m that confused that I don’t know if all 3 goals in this one will be classed as OGs or what! Made a meal of it though; they’d better hope indigestion don’t kick in next Monday night...
Finally, Mantreasurechester City put Pewkcastle to the sword with the widest margin of the weekend - so far. It was hard won though, City showing definite signs of improvement now that nearly their full first team are back on duty. The Pewks were excellent on the day; the plan worked well, they worked hard and threatened at times. If they can get their lone striker some support and get him scoring, they’ll do well this season. Their usual problem comes when playing teams outside the top 6 - performance and effort drops and they drop valuable points that cost them over the course of a season. Easy to put in a top performance when you’re not expected to win and have nothing to lose. Fight in the meat-grinder of the bottom half and it’s a different story.
So, the weekend ends with Mantreasurechester City top of the tree on goal difference - but don’t rely on it staying that way. When Chelski bury Bury in their own backyard tomorrow night, a different shade of Blue will top the Prem.
I’ll be back later in the week wi’ me predictions for next weekend, including the teatime Toffees agen Arse-nil, and Monday’s monumental clash o’ Ditherfool and Mantreasurechester City. Could be, should be - but will it be - a Classic!
Tata fo’ now peeps!
Let’s take a look at the ‘appenings in the Prem this weekend so far:
Looks like Manchester aren’t quite Re-united with the habits of good football and winning points yet. Onesie pulled off a shocker and did ‘em at their own place no less. Onesie had twosie in the net, with Looney’s o’er’ead kick being a mere consolation. Re-united’s defence was as good as my local flood measures holding back the Pacific. More holes than a rusty colander. I’ve said it forever and I’ll keep saying it till the end of another season by the look of it - Jones and Smalling are not worthy of a Re-united shirt, let alone an England one. Van Hire needs to sort this lot and sharpish, cos when the big boys come to town, they’ll tear these jokers apart.
The new boys of Crispville gave the Toffees a damn good game, using home advantage to good - er…advantage. Even stevens and all was fair in foot and ball.
Dull showed why they’ll consolidate their position in the Prem this season after the shrewd signings they’ve made. PQRSTU showed the same regarding returning to the Chumpionship.
Steak City were undone, at home surprisingly, by Vanilla’s stalwart Mr Dependable. Gonna be a long season for both teams.
West Sandwich Albumen played a thriller with Blunderland, who pulled yet another Larsson goal from his aching legs. Berahino’s looking a good player for Albumen to wrap in cotton wool already...
Twittering Shitspurs relied on a defender getting fed up with the toothless dross in front of him, and on his way to swap shirts with the Shambles keeper, inadvertently poking the ball into an empty net for the winner. More rubbish from Spurs, more of the same old, same old from Shambles.
Arse-nil dropped off from their performance of last week and came up against a determined Chrysophase Palace side that just don’t have the quality. Arse-nil will do well on this performance, and if they can get and keep Sanchez up to his potential.
Unsurprisingly, Ditherfool managed to see off their A team - no, B team - wait; A team - bugger me; I’m that confused that I don’t know if all 3 goals in this one will be classed as OGs or what! Made a meal of it though; they’d better hope indigestion don’t kick in next Monday night...
Finally, Mantreasurechester City put Pewkcastle to the sword with the widest margin of the weekend - so far. It was hard won though, City showing definite signs of improvement now that nearly their full first team are back on duty. The Pewks were excellent on the day; the plan worked well, they worked hard and threatened at times. If they can get their lone striker some support and get him scoring, they’ll do well this season. Their usual problem comes when playing teams outside the top 6 - performance and effort drops and they drop valuable points that cost them over the course of a season. Easy to put in a top performance when you’re not expected to win and have nothing to lose. Fight in the meat-grinder of the bottom half and it’s a different story.
So, the weekend ends with Mantreasurechester City top of the tree on goal difference - but don’t rely on it staying that way. When Chelski bury Bury in their own backyard tomorrow night, a different shade of Blue will top the Prem.
I’ll be back later in the week wi’ me predictions for next weekend, including the teatime Toffees agen Arse-nil, and Monday’s monumental clash o’ Ditherfool and Mantreasurechester City. Could be, should be - but will it be - a Classic!
Tata fo’ now peeps!
Monday 11 August 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Wahay peeps! I’m back agen for me now weekly blogaroo!
Now folks, it’s come to me attenshun that there’s some nutter imposter on that there BT (Bloody Terrible) channel on telly. Some fool working wi’ that stupid Chevy Chase cop from the 80’s - Fletch.
I’m telling thee peeps - accept no fakes! No charlatans! No damn fool copycats! They can’t dance like me! They can’t play like me! They can’t pundit like me! Nuff said.
Now peeps - on ta first subject o’ day - that Charity Shizzum thing. A nice day out is had by all, wi’ a bit o’ training ground jollity thrown in for laughs. And what does it tell us about the season to come? Bugger all.
On this occasion, the Arse-nil slotted three past what was touted on the programme as ‘Mantreasurechester City’. LMAO. If we see those 11 players on the same pitch again this season wearing the City badge I’ll sell my house to end world poverty. Whatever’s left can buy us all a McNougat each. City didn’t even turn up till half time; their first eleven - well probably their first twenty - were watching from the stands.
Then Ollie Gourd fluked a third, the deflection off the defender just barely avoiding the despairing grasp o’ poor ‘Joe Hart the sequel - the Spanish are coming!’ in the City goal. Pelicanni pulled his only first team players off after that for a rest and I swear he was checking his watch from that point - not for Fergie time, but for an end to the boring proceedings. He hasn’t learnt yet that pubs o’er here open earlier now.
Once we’d all woken up and switched channels (is it me or are BT just crap coverage amateurs; whoever employed Michael Dull Owen as a commentator needs sacking), little had been seen or learned.
Arse-nil seem to have finally realised that maybe buying more than one decent player a season could be a better policy, and the team on display certainly applied themselves well and took the game by the scruff of the neck. However, when men play boys, especially 2nd string boys who can’t be arsed to try, it’s not hard to win. I reckon Arse-nil are playing as a unit already, far better than anything we saw last season (look at the Sweet FA cup final and how long it took ‘em to wake up). They’ll undoubtedly win something this time, and run the title race close - but it won’t be the title.
City? We’ve seen nothing except for one glimpse - just how devastating they’re gonna be on the break, the counter, and from midfield through to the front man. They will decimate teams if given the opportunity - and looking at the dearth of decent teams now in the Prem, they’ll get the opportunities. It wouldn’t surprise me to see the record goals scored this year exceeded; and it
won’t necessarily be by City. Anyone (neutral ) who isn’t watering at the gums to see City’s main 11 start together is either dead, or a rugby fan.
As for the first games o’ the season, here’s a brief look at me bets:
Man Reunited vs Onesie - a rehashed, new look Reunited under Van Hire will over-run a depleted Onesie side. It’s gonna be a long season for the Welsh, and Reunited are looking to rise from the ashes of Fergie’s departure.
Fester City vs Neverton - the sticky Toffees will stick a couple past the new boys as they try to find their feet in the Prem, but need to perform better than pre-season to avoid mid-table obscurity this year.
PQRSTU…vs Dull City (or whatever they’re called this season…) - hard to call but Dull could have made some shrewd deals, making a profitable season for them. Dull to win (I never predict draws - they’re boring).
Steak City vs Aston Vanilla - Vanilla will be looking at a relegation battle this time out and Hughes seems to be moulding Steak into a solid unit. Steak, well-done, all the way.
West Sandwich Albumen vs Blunderland. Average team vs a bunch of cast-offs. Hard to call again, but home advantage should be enough.
West Sham vs Twittering Shitspurs - Spurs had better hope they’ve learned from last season’s total FUBAR situation - though they’re gonna have a long, long season to endure. Sham are just cannon-fodder for the rest of the Prem. The Twits will take it, even at Shut-upton Park.
Arse-nil vs Chrysophase Palace - no-brainer. After the performance in the Charity Shizzle, and home advantage; Arse-nil by a few.
Ditherfool vs Louthampton - oh the delicious irony! Whichever pitch they’d played on, this would have been a home game for Ditherfool! Home advantage and the fact that half the Louthampton players are in Shamfield kit now means a Ditherfool win - but if they score, will they be put down as own goals????
Pewkcastle vs Mantreasurechester City. If I was the Pewks watching the Charity Beshizzle, I’d be worried that they’re gonna bear the brunt of the backlash. If City turn up, this could get embarrassing for the Pewks.
Finally, in the Monday night bore game, Burythemnow vs Chelski. If you listen to Moronhino, Chelski are the dog’s testicles this year - so much so that they can afford to let decent quality players go to their rivals. Mental - but remember - Jose Chelski don’t play mind games… Chelski will actually bury Bury here. I’m just waiting for Diego Costacoffee to play on a wet and windy Monday night, in Northern England, against a Championship quality team who will kick lumps out of him, and see if he can stay calm and not face instant dismissal for flaring up. Oh, hang-on…
That’s it folks - me genius insight’s done for now. Just remember - one things for sure this season peeps - there will be action; there will be drama. There will be big, big goals and bigger score-lines. And just wait for the shocks! Place your bets peeps - it’s gonna get bumpy!
Tata for now folks!
Now folks, it’s come to me attenshun that there’s some nutter imposter on that there BT (Bloody Terrible) channel on telly. Some fool working wi’ that stupid Chevy Chase cop from the 80’s - Fletch.
I’m telling thee peeps - accept no fakes! No charlatans! No damn fool copycats! They can’t dance like me! They can’t play like me! They can’t pundit like me! Nuff said.
Now peeps - on ta first subject o’ day - that Charity Shizzum thing. A nice day out is had by all, wi’ a bit o’ training ground jollity thrown in for laughs. And what does it tell us about the season to come? Bugger all.
On this occasion, the Arse-nil slotted three past what was touted on the programme as ‘Mantreasurechester City’. LMAO. If we see those 11 players on the same pitch again this season wearing the City badge I’ll sell my house to end world poverty. Whatever’s left can buy us all a McNougat each. City didn’t even turn up till half time; their first eleven - well probably their first twenty - were watching from the stands.
Then Ollie Gourd fluked a third, the deflection off the defender just barely avoiding the despairing grasp o’ poor ‘Joe Hart the sequel - the Spanish are coming!’ in the City goal. Pelicanni pulled his only first team players off after that for a rest and I swear he was checking his watch from that point - not for Fergie time, but for an end to the boring proceedings. He hasn’t learnt yet that pubs o’er here open earlier now.
Once we’d all woken up and switched channels (is it me or are BT just crap coverage amateurs; whoever employed Michael Dull Owen as a commentator needs sacking), little had been seen or learned.
Arse-nil seem to have finally realised that maybe buying more than one decent player a season could be a better policy, and the team on display certainly applied themselves well and took the game by the scruff of the neck. However, when men play boys, especially 2nd string boys who can’t be arsed to try, it’s not hard to win. I reckon Arse-nil are playing as a unit already, far better than anything we saw last season (look at the Sweet FA cup final and how long it took ‘em to wake up). They’ll undoubtedly win something this time, and run the title race close - but it won’t be the title.
City? We’ve seen nothing except for one glimpse - just how devastating they’re gonna be on the break, the counter, and from midfield through to the front man. They will decimate teams if given the opportunity - and looking at the dearth of decent teams now in the Prem, they’ll get the opportunities. It wouldn’t surprise me to see the record goals scored this year exceeded; and it
won’t necessarily be by City. Anyone (neutral ) who isn’t watering at the gums to see City’s main 11 start together is either dead, or a rugby fan.
As for the first games o’ the season, here’s a brief look at me bets:
Man Reunited vs Onesie - a rehashed, new look Reunited under Van Hire will over-run a depleted Onesie side. It’s gonna be a long season for the Welsh, and Reunited are looking to rise from the ashes of Fergie’s departure.
Fester City vs Neverton - the sticky Toffees will stick a couple past the new boys as they try to find their feet in the Prem, but need to perform better than pre-season to avoid mid-table obscurity this year.
PQRSTU…vs Dull City (or whatever they’re called this season…) - hard to call but Dull could have made some shrewd deals, making a profitable season for them. Dull to win (I never predict draws - they’re boring).
Steak City vs Aston Vanilla - Vanilla will be looking at a relegation battle this time out and Hughes seems to be moulding Steak into a solid unit. Steak, well-done, all the way.
West Sandwich Albumen vs Blunderland. Average team vs a bunch of cast-offs. Hard to call again, but home advantage should be enough.
West Sham vs Twittering Shitspurs - Spurs had better hope they’ve learned from last season’s total FUBAR situation - though they’re gonna have a long, long season to endure. Sham are just cannon-fodder for the rest of the Prem. The Twits will take it, even at Shut-upton Park.
Arse-nil vs Chrysophase Palace - no-brainer. After the performance in the Charity Shizzle, and home advantage; Arse-nil by a few.
Ditherfool vs Louthampton - oh the delicious irony! Whichever pitch they’d played on, this would have been a home game for Ditherfool! Home advantage and the fact that half the Louthampton players are in Shamfield kit now means a Ditherfool win - but if they score, will they be put down as own goals????
Pewkcastle vs Mantreasurechester City. If I was the Pewks watching the Charity Beshizzle, I’d be worried that they’re gonna bear the brunt of the backlash. If City turn up, this could get embarrassing for the Pewks.
Finally, in the Monday night bore game, Burythemnow vs Chelski. If you listen to Moronhino, Chelski are the dog’s testicles this year - so much so that they can afford to let decent quality players go to their rivals. Mental - but remember - Jose Chelski don’t play mind games… Chelski will actually bury Bury here. I’m just waiting for Diego Costacoffee to play on a wet and windy Monday night, in Northern England, against a Championship quality team who will kick lumps out of him, and see if he can stay calm and not face instant dismissal for flaring up. Oh, hang-on…
That’s it folks - me genius insight’s done for now. Just remember - one things for sure this season peeps - there will be action; there will be drama. There will be big, big goals and bigger score-lines. And just wait for the shocks! Place your bets peeps - it’s gonna get bumpy!
Tata for now folks!
Monday 4 August 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Yayayayayayaya Toure is my dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Allegedly…peeps! Welcome back ta me awesome blog!
‘Tis me - Dobbie Savage - elf footieballroom pundit extraordinaire!
Tonight is the old transfer rumour mill and the bullshit it throws up - barrrrrf!!!!
Some of what you read here will be true; some will be speculation; the rest will probably be pure bollocks - but at least it’s honest bull! Wahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
First, Remy back at QPR - yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn - bored already. He’s been linked with more teams than Jordan’s bin linked wi’ ex-husbands - just. Newcastle have finally signed Ferrero Roche - ah, but Monsieur Pulis, you spoil us…
Lampard’s now on loan with Pelican’s lot - good move methinks - they need a new tea-boy to play in the cup competitions.
Juventus are apparently letting La Isla Bonita go to QPR - what is it with Tony Fernandes (the dancer from CopaCoBananananana)? Just cos he starred in a Madonna video once…
Irvine is trying to strengthen at West Sandwich Albumen - maybe he needs to hire the Marines - that might help them in fighting relegation all season.
Mourinho believes Costa may be better than people expect - I never knew Jose Chelski took hellocigenics - Costa will struggle with the physicality of the Prem and his own propensity to explode when provoked and will spend more time sitting games out on the bench than Fernando Torrid.
Sam Allthedice - ‘we need more firepower’. Go genius! You don’t say?! Maybe you can afford to plunder Southampton…oh, wait - that’s been done. D’oh!
Balottelli to Ditherfool? My, they love their controversial strikers! Remember George Weah’s ‘cousin’? Greyham Sourness does…
Jack Rodwell from City to Blunderland? On the back of his glittering career since leaving the Toffees, he’s probably worth 8 to 9…quid.
And finally, Mourinho challenges Terry to repeat his performances of last season to keep his place. Watch out Jose - don’t leave your wife at home alone if you drop him. Just saying…
That’s the lot for tonight! Only a few weeks to go peeps and the proof really will be in the pudding…
Tata fo’ now!
‘Tis me - Dobbie Savage - elf footieballroom pundit extraordinaire!
Tonight is the old transfer rumour mill and the bullshit it throws up - barrrrrf!!!!
Some of what you read here will be true; some will be speculation; the rest will probably be pure bollocks - but at least it’s honest bull! Wahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
First, Remy back at QPR - yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn - bored already. He’s been linked with more teams than Jordan’s bin linked wi’ ex-husbands - just. Newcastle have finally signed Ferrero Roche - ah, but Monsieur Pulis, you spoil us…
Lampard’s now on loan with Pelican’s lot - good move methinks - they need a new tea-boy to play in the cup competitions.
Juventus are apparently letting La Isla Bonita go to QPR - what is it with Tony Fernandes (the dancer from CopaCoBananananana)? Just cos he starred in a Madonna video once…
Irvine is trying to strengthen at West Sandwich Albumen - maybe he needs to hire the Marines - that might help them in fighting relegation all season.
Mourinho believes Costa may be better than people expect - I never knew Jose Chelski took hellocigenics - Costa will struggle with the physicality of the Prem and his own propensity to explode when provoked and will spend more time sitting games out on the bench than Fernando Torrid.
Sam Allthedice - ‘we need more firepower’. Go genius! You don’t say?! Maybe you can afford to plunder Southampton…oh, wait - that’s been done. D’oh!
Balottelli to Ditherfool? My, they love their controversial strikers! Remember George Weah’s ‘cousin’? Greyham Sourness does…
Jack Rodwell from City to Blunderland? On the back of his glittering career since leaving the Toffees, he’s probably worth 8 to 9…quid.
And finally, Mourinho challenges Terry to repeat his performances of last season to keep his place. Watch out Jose - don’t leave your wife at home alone if you drop him. Just saying…
That’s the lot for tonight! Only a few weeks to go peeps and the proof really will be in the pudding…
Tata fo’ now!
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