Yahooooooooooooooo!!! Tis Dobbie ‘ere agen peeps! And it’s time for me awesome Premier League update, like. So without further agadoo-doo-doo, let’s crack on!
Woah! First FUBAR moment of the entire weekend has got to be, Westie Shambles turning Mantreasurechester City o’er! Who saw that coming? Not me - nor The Pelican, lol. That means ‘laff out loud’ not ‘lots o’ love’ - for all you oldies but goodies out there. City really do need to pull their socks up if they’re gonna be real title contenders. At the moment they’re all o’er place like a punch-drunk drunken boxer. Eh? Big Spam really is walking the walk on building the side to stay in the Prem long term, standing at the heady heights of 4th this week. As opposed to Lois Van Hire at Reunited who is also lurching around like a one-legged tripod riding a unicycle. Eh? Lois is talking the talk - or bullshit as it’s commonly known, but needs to take a leaf out of Big Spam’s book on putting his money where his mouth is. So far Van Hire’s put Reunited’s money where his mouth is, but is failing miserably to come good on it. Big Spam asked the owner’s and board to stick by him and his plan even though the crowd wanted him gone. They did, and are now reaping the benefits. I’m sure Reunited will support Van Hire the same way - after all, they wouldn’t get rid of a scapegoat manager after less than a season of not supporting him, would they now? Ahem…
Next stop on the carousel of absurdity, we find Ditherfool, at home, being held by Dull City. To be honest, I bet many saw that coming and got some good returns at the bookies from Stevie’s Brucey bonuses. Ditherfool are frankly finding that maybe they aren’t quite ready for a sustained campaign across more than one front, especially with the bite of Sewerage up front now gone. They’ll probably be rueing turning down Etu Brutus in favour of Bolloxtelli as well. £24 mill was it? At least his hair looks a million dollars worth… C’mon Brenda; get this shower of shit playing like we all know they can, and entertain us like at the start of the season. Please!
Ditherfool Reserves (Louthampton to the uninitiated) carried on their excellent early season form with a standard win over Steak City at home. Nothing to write home about, but they won’t care. 3 more points in the onion bag and 2nd in the Prem. OMG. That’s Oh My God for you oldies.
Arse-nil put a smile on Arsey’s face with a win over Blunderland. Did anyone doubt the Blunders’ ability to lose? I don’t know about the wooden spoon at the end of the season, Blunderland will end up with the entire kitchen if Peugeot ain’t careful and can’t get his players playing football instead of whatever the hell it is they’re doing at the minute. It ain’t pretty, it ain’t nice, and it certainly ain’t football.
Chrysophase Palace went to West Sandwich Albumen and managed an entertaining draw. Both teams have turned around a dour start to the season and will no doubt end up mid-table and safe if they can keep up the performances, work-rate and effort, and don’t suffer unfortunate injuries to key players. Good luck ‘em I say - I’d pay to see both at the minute. Well done guys.
The same can’t be said about Fester, who are in danger of becoming some kind of scapegoat whipping boys if they don’t sort themselves out. Swansea are hardly the most consistent or stable of teams at the moment, but they stayed at homer and made an easy job of a toothless Fester. Socks up boys, or back to the Chumpionship it is.
Fester may actually have to hit freefall before they take the scapegoat whipping boy tag from our next victims - BURnleY. Okay, so Etu Brutus is class still, and the goals were all good, BURnleY
actually netting a decent move themselves. But Alcatraz is never a Prem defender, was to blame for both goals, and even looks shit in a Blues kit. Neverton looked like they were hanging on for large parts of the second period, shoddy play even failing to make this example of paint-drying interesting. But even Neverton’s lacklustre performance, saved by the quality of the finishing can’t detract from the sheer lack of Prem ability in the BURnleY side. They are not, and never will be, good enough for this league. End of.
Twittering Shitspurs once again showed their lack of edge and steel by promptly collapsing as they conceded the fastest ever second half goal in Prem history. To Pewkcastle. Honestly. Wetter than a paper bag in a salty bath of paper-eating acid. At least they’ve got Europe to look forward to…
Chelski, oh Chelski. I warned before of arrogance creeping into performances with the awesome start they’ve had, and Ivanonononononovic was the first culprit. Why, why, why, why ,why did he make that challenge, that late into injury time, in that area? Dickhead. I bet there wasn’t a Chelski fan in the world who didn’t look at that ball being placed on the grass and think ‘this fooker’s going in, I just know it.’ And for once they were right! Tada! Never mind. They’re still unbeaten - a point I can’t see being undone before they sit down for Turkey dinners in a couple of months. MoulinRougio must have spat into his glass of red on Sunday night though, every time he saw Ivanoooooooooooooooooovic go to tackle on MOTD2. That’s Match of the Day 2 for all you oldies… Old Lois Van Hire must have pissed himself to be handed a point that late. At all in fact. But, honestly Van Hire; development? Revolution? Progress? Process? Most feared team in the making? Sod off. Last season Moyes had bugger all money to spend, no backing, a shoddy team he was left with, Champion’s League footie to contend with and was still in the cups as well. And he STILL had one more point than your sorry arse. Do me a favour and STFU until you have something genuine and honest to say. You know what happened to Moyes don’t you. Just saying…
Finally, we have the sorry and cautionary tale of a team led by a genuine fool. Aston Vanilla. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Beaten by PQRSTU, and easily. Oh, Paul Lambretta. Watch your back son. You weren’t expected to be an early pre-Christmas casualty when the season kicked off, but on these performances and with your lack of control of a bunch of ludicrously out of synch players, you’ll be odds on to be gone by Thanksgiving. Thank God.
And that’s it peeps!
Thanks for reading, an’ I’ll be back next week wi’ me awesome Prem round-up again, on Tuesday night, like.
Meanwhile, until the League Cup warms up and the FA Cup arrives, there’s no European action this week and so me Friday Euro blog will be tekken o’er by me mate Russ The Writer, who’ll be asking ‘Do you ever…’
Can’t wait!
Tara fo’ now folks!
Barbie? Bring that loofer an’ some spare batteries love…
Wednesday 29 October 2014
Friday 24 October 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Yo yo yo peeps - tis Dobbie bouncing back wi' me brand new Euro blog, looking at the beautiful game in that melting pot across t'ocean.
So ‘old onto yer britches, cos here we go folks!
Mantreasurechester City went to Moscow and got a cold reception in a stadium that was supposed to be empty, but had opposition fans in it. How the hell does that work? Good old EUFA yet again - they seem to get it mixed up no matter what... Anyway, City pummelled CSKA for 45 minutes and scored a couple of decent goals. Then went home, it seems, as the Ruskies pulled back the deficit to earn a hard won point and leave The Pelican gnashing his teeth in frustration. Speaking after the game in a downtown Russian strip joint, he told me; "It was supposed to be behind closed doors, Dobbie. What were they thinking letting reds into the stadium? I know the cold war's over, but those pesky commies are still cheating. Me and Scooby are gonna get them after this, you'll see!" And they call me deranged peeps...
Chelski kept up the winning streak by dismantling Malibu - I didn't even know the island had a beach soccer team! They were so far above the level of the opposition that I thought I was watching a Lilliputian civil war! Another record broken on their way to qualifying for the knockout phase, and with the return leg to come next, unless the islanders make them play on the beach, Chelski will no doubt net another hatful. Joseski told me after the game, over a glass of the old vino, "Dobbie - I love you." He may have been a bit pissed by this point...
Arsey Whinger should be happy now that he's managed a win in Europe, beating the 'mighty' Anderlecht. Although the defence was still breached yet again in a season that's proving that if he can't get the Goonies playing like Barca in midfield and upfront, he maybe should have spent more cash on his defensive ranks. Poor Arsey - he just can't seem to get it right, even after 300 years in the job. As Arsey complained to me in the changing room afterwards, "Bloody refs, bloody decisions, bloody foreigners, bloody leaves on the line..." I fell asleep and missed the rest...
Brenda Rogers from the 18th century did a Lois Van Hire I see, bigging up his team in the press before the Madrid game. Told them all they could become Kop legends. Yeah right. Hours later they had their arses handed to them on a plate; Madrid 3 up at halftime and cruising so much that they ended up taking Ronaldo McDonaldo off. To be honest, they could have got away with not bringing a sub on to replace him, they were that much in control. Legends my arse! Brenda cried into his piss pot as he said, "Dobbie - is it cos I is Welsh?" "No," I replied, sympathetically. "it's because you're a twat."
That's it for the results in the Chumpion's League. Now for a look at the tables and see how the Brits are faring so far...
Ditherfool need to perform in their remaining fixtures as they sit in 3rd place, on the same points as 2 other rivals who they are gonna have to beat to stand any chance of qualifying for the knock-out stages.
Arse-nil are looking good for qualification in 2nd place - but may want to beat Dortmund to avoid a tough encounter in the first knock-out stage.
Mantreasurechester City are looking the most at peril, with Bayern odds-on to win the group. It'll be 1 from 3 for 2nd place and with City's track record in Europe being less than impressive, it's gonna be a tough ask.
Finally, Chelski should undoubtedly qualify from their group, and if they can avoid any arrogant slip-ups, should win it. Mourinho's track record of super success at 2nd time of asking for his previous clubs is well on, erm, track, for continuing with the love-child of Abramomomomovich.
Now we take a look at the British teams fighting it out in the pit of despair that is the Europa league.
First, we saw Neverton taking on the whole of Lilliput it seems before playing their local team. After a hard evening fighting in France, they finally got to the stadium for kick-off... Where a toothless Neverton were thwarted by a lone defender; a Dane who sounds South African. But he doe
sn't Kir... Lilliput were just as toothless, but an entertaining game in midfield left both teams better than pointless, and with honours even. Robierto was crowing after the game - "See Dob - we don't score OGs every game!"
Later in the evening we saw the remaining Brits in the competition, both at home. Twittering Shitspurs hosted the mighty Asterix Triplets; so mighty that the 3 of them, aided by Obelix in goal and Geriatrix up front, managed to get themselves Kaned in the Pamela show. If Pammy can play as crap as that and still score 2 crackers like he did, he's got a bright future ahead of him. And there's definitely something about Harry that's making the fans mad about him. But it ain't his butterfingers. Next time Dorris gets himself sent off, I doubt if PottyGino will call on Harry to fill his onion bag again. England fans can only hope that Roy doesn't rush him into the full team too fast, as on his European form, he's definitely one for the future. I spoke to him in the shower after the game. "Pass us the Timotei," he said.
Meanwhile, whilst this debacle was playing out in London, at the other end of the country Celtic were playing against the other Asterix twins, Asterix GeorgeMichaelix. And letting a 2 goal lead slip to leave them frantically trying to hold onto all 3 points, which they just about did. At home. To a frankly quite rubbish team. Oh dear. It's gonna be a rough qualifying run at this point for the Celts. I spoke to the Asterix manager afterwards. He happily and eloquently told me "$€(÷¥!/ %&*÷(#!: ₩¥?=&/(_€" No, me neither peeps.
Now, a look at the tables shows us Neverton in prime position to keep qualification hopes alive as long as they avoid any silly losses. Both Shitspurs and the Celts are in strong positions, level pegging with their nearest rivals - they just need to stay calm and keep going, and both should make the next stages of the competition.
And that completes me mega Euro roundup from round Europe. (EH?).
I'LL BE BACK - as Sarnie sez - wi' me epic Prem roundup on Tuesday night.
See yaz then peeps! For now, enjoy this EXCLUSIVE interview of Roy Rogers Dodgeson explaining his Euro team choices to the Italian press.
Now, come 'ere Barbs wi' them watermelons...
So ‘old onto yer britches, cos here we go folks!
Mantreasurechester City went to Moscow and got a cold reception in a stadium that was supposed to be empty, but had opposition fans in it. How the hell does that work? Good old EUFA yet again - they seem to get it mixed up no matter what... Anyway, City pummelled CSKA for 45 minutes and scored a couple of decent goals. Then went home, it seems, as the Ruskies pulled back the deficit to earn a hard won point and leave The Pelican gnashing his teeth in frustration. Speaking after the game in a downtown Russian strip joint, he told me; "It was supposed to be behind closed doors, Dobbie. What were they thinking letting reds into the stadium? I know the cold war's over, but those pesky commies are still cheating. Me and Scooby are gonna get them after this, you'll see!" And they call me deranged peeps...
Chelski kept up the winning streak by dismantling Malibu - I didn't even know the island had a beach soccer team! They were so far above the level of the opposition that I thought I was watching a Lilliputian civil war! Another record broken on their way to qualifying for the knockout phase, and with the return leg to come next, unless the islanders make them play on the beach, Chelski will no doubt net another hatful. Joseski told me after the game, over a glass of the old vino, "Dobbie - I love you." He may have been a bit pissed by this point...
Arsey Whinger should be happy now that he's managed a win in Europe, beating the 'mighty' Anderlecht. Although the defence was still breached yet again in a season that's proving that if he can't get the Goonies playing like Barca in midfield and upfront, he maybe should have spent more cash on his defensive ranks. Poor Arsey - he just can't seem to get it right, even after 300 years in the job. As Arsey complained to me in the changing room afterwards, "Bloody refs, bloody decisions, bloody foreigners, bloody leaves on the line..." I fell asleep and missed the rest...
Brenda Rogers from the 18th century did a Lois Van Hire I see, bigging up his team in the press before the Madrid game. Told them all they could become Kop legends. Yeah right. Hours later they had their arses handed to them on a plate; Madrid 3 up at halftime and cruising so much that they ended up taking Ronaldo McDonaldo off. To be honest, they could have got away with not bringing a sub on to replace him, they were that much in control. Legends my arse! Brenda cried into his piss pot as he said, "Dobbie - is it cos I is Welsh?" "No," I replied, sympathetically. "it's because you're a twat."
That's it for the results in the Chumpion's League. Now for a look at the tables and see how the Brits are faring so far...
Ditherfool need to perform in their remaining fixtures as they sit in 3rd place, on the same points as 2 other rivals who they are gonna have to beat to stand any chance of qualifying for the knock-out stages.
Arse-nil are looking good for qualification in 2nd place - but may want to beat Dortmund to avoid a tough encounter in the first knock-out stage.
Mantreasurechester City are looking the most at peril, with Bayern odds-on to win the group. It'll be 1 from 3 for 2nd place and with City's track record in Europe being less than impressive, it's gonna be a tough ask.
Finally, Chelski should undoubtedly qualify from their group, and if they can avoid any arrogant slip-ups, should win it. Mourinho's track record of super success at 2nd time of asking for his previous clubs is well on, erm, track, for continuing with the love-child of Abramomomomovich.
Now we take a look at the British teams fighting it out in the pit of despair that is the Europa league.
First, we saw Neverton taking on the whole of Lilliput it seems before playing their local team. After a hard evening fighting in France, they finally got to the stadium for kick-off... Where a toothless Neverton were thwarted by a lone defender; a Dane who sounds South African. But he doe
sn't Kir... Lilliput were just as toothless, but an entertaining game in midfield left both teams better than pointless, and with honours even. Robierto was crowing after the game - "See Dob - we don't score OGs every game!"
Later in the evening we saw the remaining Brits in the competition, both at home. Twittering Shitspurs hosted the mighty Asterix Triplets; so mighty that the 3 of them, aided by Obelix in goal and Geriatrix up front, managed to get themselves Kaned in the Pamela show. If Pammy can play as crap as that and still score 2 crackers like he did, he's got a bright future ahead of him. And there's definitely something about Harry that's making the fans mad about him. But it ain't his butterfingers. Next time Dorris gets himself sent off, I doubt if PottyGino will call on Harry to fill his onion bag again. England fans can only hope that Roy doesn't rush him into the full team too fast, as on his European form, he's definitely one for the future. I spoke to him in the shower after the game. "Pass us the Timotei," he said.
Meanwhile, whilst this debacle was playing out in London, at the other end of the country Celtic were playing against the other Asterix twins, Asterix GeorgeMichaelix. And letting a 2 goal lead slip to leave them frantically trying to hold onto all 3 points, which they just about did. At home. To a frankly quite rubbish team. Oh dear. It's gonna be a rough qualifying run at this point for the Celts. I spoke to the Asterix manager afterwards. He happily and eloquently told me "$€(÷¥!/ %&*÷(#!: ₩¥?=&/(_€" No, me neither peeps.
Now, a look at the tables shows us Neverton in prime position to keep qualification hopes alive as long as they avoid any silly losses. Both Shitspurs and the Celts are in strong positions, level pegging with their nearest rivals - they just need to stay calm and keep going, and both should make the next stages of the competition.
And that completes me mega Euro roundup from round Europe. (EH?).
I'LL BE BACK - as Sarnie sez - wi' me epic Prem roundup on Tuesday night.
See yaz then peeps! For now, enjoy this EXCLUSIVE interview of Roy Rogers Dodgeson explaining his Euro team choices to the Italian press.
Now, come 'ere Barbs wi' them watermelons...
Wednesday 22 October 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Gooooooooooooood morning peeps!
Tis the Dobmeister on this awesome Autumn morn wi’ great news!
The Dobster has been asked to cast a trained and knowledgeable eye o’er the weirdness o’ the European competitions!
Starting this Friday, I’ll be tekking a look at the games, the results, the tables and the draws for the knock-out stages, as they happen, week on week! And I’ll be getting’ down and dirty - no, not wi’ Barbie (that’ll be afterwards!) - wi’ the movers, the shakers, the goal scorers and keepers, and the managers of these great (and not so great, eh, Shitspurs?) teams in the biggest club comp in the world. Oh, and Arsey Whinger.
So, gird your loins, prepare yoursens, pull your socks up, hang out the banners, get settled in your crib and prepare yoursens, oh, prepare yoursens people, for the genius of the Dobbie Weekly On A Friday - Or A Saturday If Me An’ Barbie Are Out Partying - European Football Blog Thing. We’ll find a better name by then. Honest. I promise. Or my name ain’t Jan Molby. Hang on…
See ya later peeps!
Tara for now!
Tis the Dobmeister on this awesome Autumn morn wi’ great news!
The Dobster has been asked to cast a trained and knowledgeable eye o’er the weirdness o’ the European competitions!
Starting this Friday, I’ll be tekking a look at the games, the results, the tables and the draws for the knock-out stages, as they happen, week on week! And I’ll be getting’ down and dirty - no, not wi’ Barbie (that’ll be afterwards!) - wi’ the movers, the shakers, the goal scorers and keepers, and the managers of these great (and not so great, eh, Shitspurs?) teams in the biggest club comp in the world. Oh, and Arsey Whinger.
So, gird your loins, prepare yoursens, pull your socks up, hang out the banners, get settled in your crib and prepare yoursens, oh, prepare yoursens people, for the genius of the Dobbie Weekly On A Friday - Or A Saturday If Me An’ Barbie Are Out Partying - European Football Blog Thing. We’ll find a better name by then. Honest. I promise. Or my name ain’t Jan Molby. Hang on…
See ya later peeps!
Tara for now!
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Nar then peeps, tis I, Lord Dobster, back to share me ace punditry wi’ thee once more. Now that all that funny business of the Euro qualifiers is o'er, it's time to get back to the strange happenings in that there Prem.
And what happenings peeps! Where to start?
Mantreasurechester City kept up their chase of Chelski by destroying Twittering Shitspurs - or rather, Sergio Aggro did. What a player! If only he were English - what couldn’t he do for the national team? City need to keep this boy fit and firing on this form. Golden boot by Christmas if he does.
Twittering's defence needs a canoe though, they were that much at sea trying to stem the onrushing tide of City 's attack. They'll not repeat their European adventure next year on this form.
Arse-nil also showed their lack of defensive depth and an outright ineptness by only just squeaking a last gasp equaliser against the mighty Dull/Zull/Null/Full - whatever the hell they're called this week. Guess the owner's not managed to offload 'em yet...Good to see Arsey Whinger's not lost his sense of humour - or perspective. Or grip on reality. Seriously, how can he expect his totally biased opinion on decisions to be given any respect or attention when he whines like a little kid and spouts the blinkered comments of a desperate politician. Cock.
BURnleY got BURied once again by the resurgent West Shambles. What the hell does Sam put in their half-time tea?! The undisputed Survivor King of relegation dogfighting seems to perform miracles in these situations. The heady heights they're at now won't last long, but even when the wheels come off after Christmas, this awesome and totally unexpected start will keep them from the drop. And on the bright side for BURnleY, at least they managed to score this week...
Chrysophase Palace hosted the mighty Chelski and gave them a hell of a game, but ended up going down to the odd goal of 3. Chelski remain unbeaten, top of the league, and looking good. I wouldn't be surprised if they made it to Christmas unbeaten...
Neverton finally realised that scoring goals ain't enough - if you keep getting scored on yourself more than a cheap whore, and set Prem records for OGs, you're going home more pointless than Xander and Richard. Shame to see Vanilla getting a pasting, which they thoroughly deserved by the way, despite their place in Toffee history as a Nemesis for the Blues. Twats.Vanilla for the Chumpionship I say. Please God…
Stop press! The Messiah has returned! All is well at Sport Direct Head Office - or St James' Park as football fans know it. The Pugilist has finally managed to fluke a win with his rabble. It came at Fester's cost, who should have put the game to bed too many times for counting. Once again it's a case of teams without consistent and quality finishing. You only need to concede one to lose, especially if the strike-force you have couldn't hit a barn door with a shovel. Although to be fair, some of the open goals and howlers that were seen this weekend weren't just the lesser names of the game. Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! For Mr Baloteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelliìiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Steak City went and beat Onesie in a tetchy affair. So tetchy that Gary got a Monk on with Jesus. Or was it Moses? Anyway, he'll be in the stands for a few weeks, as we all know that the football authorities don't like accusations of cheating. Or nepatism. Or being dodgy in any way. When is the World Cup in Qatar by the way?
Can someone explain to Gus Pointless that your outfield players face away from your own goal, not towards it. The Blunders spent more time going backwards on Saturday than the Italian tanks when Patton showed up. Any team that can ship 8 goals to Ditherfool reserves - or Louthampton as they're commonly called - deserves to play on Sunday mornings only. In the park. At the local rec. With all the chavvy kids from the estate. With a rolled up newspaper.for a ball. And jumpers for goalposts. And the fat kid in goal - or Anal Taaaaaaarabt as he's more commonly known by Hairy Redcap... Vitor Mascarpone wants the Blunders to start refunding fans for poor performances - yeah right. The club would be bankrupt in a month.
Talking of Hairy and PQRSTU, what a performance against Ditherfool at home. If they could finish (at the right end) they'd have buried the Fools by half time. How the hell you can score 1 goal, the opposition can score 4, and you come away with a 3-2 win, I’ll never know. And coincidence? Richard OG Dunne-in, has now scored 10 OGs in his Prem career. The most by anyone. Ever. And who did he used to play for?
Neverton - the top scorers of OGs in Prem history. Write your own punchline folks!
Now peeps - the question of the week. What’s the best way to make yourself look a total muppet? Buy a costume from E-bay? Hire Jim Henson to do your make-up in a morning? Or go to the world’s press and tell them that points don’t matter, and that in the next three years you’ll make Man Reunited the most feared team in the world, then send out a lacklustre bunch of idiots to scrape a desperate last gasp draw against Best Sandwich Albumen? If they hadn’t had to rely on a cracking strike near full time, they’d have looked even stupider. A case of the Blind saving the blind. Three years? Get real Van Hire - with this bunch of jokers you need three decades. Points don’t matter, only the process? The delusional fuckwit wouldn’t be saying that if he were in Chelski’s position. Whilst Irwine’s doing a staunch under-the-radar Moyes-like job of turning Albumen into a decent set of players, just like his ex-boss and role-model did at Neverton when they worked together, Van Hire’s spouting bullshit and rhetoric to the world’s press rather than actually knuckling down and getting the hundreds of millions of supposed talent in his care working as a unit with a clue. A clue? They currently look like Johnny English, Inspector Clusoe and Alan Partridge wandering round Midsomer with a blindfold on. Knob.
That’s the round-up peeps!
And final thoughts for your pennies before I go.
Has anyone else noticed that all the mid and small boys in the Prem have finally figured out that even though they can’t afford the top players, and the price of even a half-decent striker would cripple their finances faster than Ken Bates, if they go out and fight, and press the opposition no matter how good they are or how much possession they have, they’ll actually achieve something other than a drubbing. And who knows, the narrower margins of goal differences will drop to a level where the opposition have to fight for points, for 90 minutes. And sometimes that stroke of luck or OG may just get you a point or 3 here and there. And that could make all the difference at the end of the season. Wait till next March and see if I’m right when the run-in comes…
Final point - how much is the lack of a consistent and regular goal-scorer going to cost teams this season? And I don’t just mean the ‘lesser’ teams in the Prem. Even more - how much will all these missed sitters and open goals add up to for these teams at the end of the season? We’ve seen so many this weekend, it’s either indicative of the number of chances being created, the ability and composure of the players, or the desperateness of the defenders throwing themselves at every ball that drops. Interesting thought…
And that’s it peeps!
I’m off to me crib for snoozes and sha…mpagne.
Bubbles up me nose!
AAAAAtchooooooo!
And what happenings peeps! Where to start?
Mantreasurechester City kept up their chase of Chelski by destroying Twittering Shitspurs - or rather, Sergio Aggro did. What a player! If only he were English - what couldn’t he do for the national team? City need to keep this boy fit and firing on this form. Golden boot by Christmas if he does.
Twittering's defence needs a canoe though, they were that much at sea trying to stem the onrushing tide of City 's attack. They'll not repeat their European adventure next year on this form.
Arse-nil also showed their lack of defensive depth and an outright ineptness by only just squeaking a last gasp equaliser against the mighty Dull/Zull/Null/Full - whatever the hell they're called this week. Guess the owner's not managed to offload 'em yet...Good to see Arsey Whinger's not lost his sense of humour - or perspective. Or grip on reality. Seriously, how can he expect his totally biased opinion on decisions to be given any respect or attention when he whines like a little kid and spouts the blinkered comments of a desperate politician. Cock.
BURnleY got BURied once again by the resurgent West Shambles. What the hell does Sam put in their half-time tea?! The undisputed Survivor King of relegation dogfighting seems to perform miracles in these situations. The heady heights they're at now won't last long, but even when the wheels come off after Christmas, this awesome and totally unexpected start will keep them from the drop. And on the bright side for BURnleY, at least they managed to score this week...
Chrysophase Palace hosted the mighty Chelski and gave them a hell of a game, but ended up going down to the odd goal of 3. Chelski remain unbeaten, top of the league, and looking good. I wouldn't be surprised if they made it to Christmas unbeaten...
Neverton finally realised that scoring goals ain't enough - if you keep getting scored on yourself more than a cheap whore, and set Prem records for OGs, you're going home more pointless than Xander and Richard. Shame to see Vanilla getting a pasting, which they thoroughly deserved by the way, despite their place in Toffee history as a Nemesis for the Blues. Twats.Vanilla for the Chumpionship I say. Please God…
Stop press! The Messiah has returned! All is well at Sport Direct Head Office - or St James' Park as football fans know it. The Pugilist has finally managed to fluke a win with his rabble. It came at Fester's cost, who should have put the game to bed too many times for counting. Once again it's a case of teams without consistent and quality finishing. You only need to concede one to lose, especially if the strike-force you have couldn't hit a barn door with a shovel. Although to be fair, some of the open goals and howlers that were seen this weekend weren't just the lesser names of the game. Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! For Mr Baloteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelliìiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Steak City went and beat Onesie in a tetchy affair. So tetchy that Gary got a Monk on with Jesus. Or was it Moses? Anyway, he'll be in the stands for a few weeks, as we all know that the football authorities don't like accusations of cheating. Or nepatism. Or being dodgy in any way. When is the World Cup in Qatar by the way?
Can someone explain to Gus Pointless that your outfield players face away from your own goal, not towards it. The Blunders spent more time going backwards on Saturday than the Italian tanks when Patton showed up. Any team that can ship 8 goals to Ditherfool reserves - or Louthampton as they're commonly called - deserves to play on Sunday mornings only. In the park. At the local rec. With all the chavvy kids from the estate. With a rolled up newspaper.for a ball. And jumpers for goalposts. And the fat kid in goal - or Anal Taaaaaaarabt as he's more commonly known by Hairy Redcap... Vitor Mascarpone wants the Blunders to start refunding fans for poor performances - yeah right. The club would be bankrupt in a month.
Talking of Hairy and PQRSTU, what a performance against Ditherfool at home. If they could finish (at the right end) they'd have buried the Fools by half time. How the hell you can score 1 goal, the opposition can score 4, and you come away with a 3-2 win, I’ll never know. And coincidence? Richard OG Dunne-in, has now scored 10 OGs in his Prem career. The most by anyone. Ever. And who did he used to play for?
Neverton - the top scorers of OGs in Prem history. Write your own punchline folks!
Now peeps - the question of the week. What’s the best way to make yourself look a total muppet? Buy a costume from E-bay? Hire Jim Henson to do your make-up in a morning? Or go to the world’s press and tell them that points don’t matter, and that in the next three years you’ll make Man Reunited the most feared team in the world, then send out a lacklustre bunch of idiots to scrape a desperate last gasp draw against Best Sandwich Albumen? If they hadn’t had to rely on a cracking strike near full time, they’d have looked even stupider. A case of the Blind saving the blind. Three years? Get real Van Hire - with this bunch of jokers you need three decades. Points don’t matter, only the process? The delusional fuckwit wouldn’t be saying that if he were in Chelski’s position. Whilst Irwine’s doing a staunch under-the-radar Moyes-like job of turning Albumen into a decent set of players, just like his ex-boss and role-model did at Neverton when they worked together, Van Hire’s spouting bullshit and rhetoric to the world’s press rather than actually knuckling down and getting the hundreds of millions of supposed talent in his care working as a unit with a clue. A clue? They currently look like Johnny English, Inspector Clusoe and Alan Partridge wandering round Midsomer with a blindfold on. Knob.
That’s the round-up peeps!
And final thoughts for your pennies before I go.
Has anyone else noticed that all the mid and small boys in the Prem have finally figured out that even though they can’t afford the top players, and the price of even a half-decent striker would cripple their finances faster than Ken Bates, if they go out and fight, and press the opposition no matter how good they are or how much possession they have, they’ll actually achieve something other than a drubbing. And who knows, the narrower margins of goal differences will drop to a level where the opposition have to fight for points, for 90 minutes. And sometimes that stroke of luck or OG may just get you a point or 3 here and there. And that could make all the difference at the end of the season. Wait till next March and see if I’m right when the run-in comes…
Final point - how much is the lack of a consistent and regular goal-scorer going to cost teams this season? And I don’t just mean the ‘lesser’ teams in the Prem. Even more - how much will all these missed sitters and open goals add up to for these teams at the end of the season? We’ve seen so many this weekend, it’s either indicative of the number of chances being created, the ability and composure of the players, or the desperateness of the defenders throwing themselves at every ball that drops. Interesting thought…
And that’s it peeps!
I’m off to me crib for snoozes and sha…mpagne.
Bubbles up me nose!
AAAAAtchooooooo!
Thursday 16 October 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m back peeps”! And this ‘ere is me last blog for the week, rounding off me 3 part piss tak - I mean review - of the Prem.
We’ve finally found the hallowed ground at the top o’ table - from 5 to 1. 5 to 1? Sounds like a good name for a quiz show that, dunnit? Be a short bugger though wunnit?
Anyway, in at numero fiveo is Onesie City. Staying ahead of the chasing pack by the tightest of margins, they sit in the middle of the trio of 11 pointers, their slim lead down to having managed to squeak more wins than draws and losses. Still only a GD of 2, showing their defensive frailties of late to slack goals are going to be a pain in the arse for them by season’s end if they keep letting it slip. Scoring more at the other end would go a great way to alleviate the problem, but the frontmen need to start earning their corn on a regular basis if they’re gonna turn it around.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 4 - and top of the 11 point pile - Man Reunited. Now that Van Persil has managed to relocate the pitch, and the Millennium Falcao is fluking lucky tap-ins, Van Hire’s rejects seem to be getting somewhere at last. No coincidence that dropping Jones the Steam and Christine Smalling from the defence has coincided with a turnaround in Reunited’s fortunes. The Mancs need to be careful though - it’s only 7 games in, The Falcon, Van Persil and Looney are injury prone nowadays, and with so many internationals in the squad, now that the Euro qualifiers are ramping up, it’s only a matter of time before they start to falter. Watch this space.
Amazingly, at number 3, we find a revitalised Louthampton - or Ditherfool Reserves as they’re more commonly known these days. An impressive start - until you consider that the only team with any budget or depth that they’ve faced is Shitspurs. Come back at New Year boys and tell us how good you are…
The bridesmaid of the first 7 games is…drumroll…Mantreasurechester City! A mere point above Louthampton, but 5 behind the leaders, the Blue Mooners have already dropped 7 points in their first 7 games. That is not Championship winning form by any stretch of the imagination. However, the Treasurehunters have been helped massively by the fact that everyone else of note and money has had an even worse start. I doubt if anyone had any doubts (eh?) that this lot and Chelski would be battling for supremacy this season; but a 5 point gap at this point does not look good, especially when Mourinho’s muckers are making such a strong fist of the title race already. After defeating Arse-nil - the only other unbeaten team at that point - they have held onto an impressive 19 out of 21 points, and are looking like if they all played blindfolded and bound, the ball would somehow still find its way into the opposition net off Diego Costacoffee’s knob. The guy is a phenomenon. I have to admit to doubting his ability to keep his temper, and to hit the ground running; but the bugger’s proved me wrong (once in a lifetime ain’t bad!) as he’s streaked past Usain Bolt and is racing down the Golden Boot straight already!
So as I tip my hat to the Stamford Bridge blues, I take my leave of you all, and head off back to bed. And Barbie.
Now where’d I put that lube?
For my aching leg muscles of course…
Tata for now peeps!
We’ve finally found the hallowed ground at the top o’ table - from 5 to 1. 5 to 1? Sounds like a good name for a quiz show that, dunnit? Be a short bugger though wunnit?
Anyway, in at numero fiveo is Onesie City. Staying ahead of the chasing pack by the tightest of margins, they sit in the middle of the trio of 11 pointers, their slim lead down to having managed to squeak more wins than draws and losses. Still only a GD of 2, showing their defensive frailties of late to slack goals are going to be a pain in the arse for them by season’s end if they keep letting it slip. Scoring more at the other end would go a great way to alleviate the problem, but the frontmen need to start earning their corn on a regular basis if they’re gonna turn it around.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 4 - and top of the 11 point pile - Man Reunited. Now that Van Persil has managed to relocate the pitch, and the Millennium Falcao is fluking lucky tap-ins, Van Hire’s rejects seem to be getting somewhere at last. No coincidence that dropping Jones the Steam and Christine Smalling from the defence has coincided with a turnaround in Reunited’s fortunes. The Mancs need to be careful though - it’s only 7 games in, The Falcon, Van Persil and Looney are injury prone nowadays, and with so many internationals in the squad, now that the Euro qualifiers are ramping up, it’s only a matter of time before they start to falter. Watch this space.
Amazingly, at number 3, we find a revitalised Louthampton - or Ditherfool Reserves as they’re more commonly known these days. An impressive start - until you consider that the only team with any budget or depth that they’ve faced is Shitspurs. Come back at New Year boys and tell us how good you are…
The bridesmaid of the first 7 games is…drumroll…Mantreasurechester City! A mere point above Louthampton, but 5 behind the leaders, the Blue Mooners have already dropped 7 points in their first 7 games. That is not Championship winning form by any stretch of the imagination. However, the Treasurehunters have been helped massively by the fact that everyone else of note and money has had an even worse start. I doubt if anyone had any doubts (eh?) that this lot and Chelski would be battling for supremacy this season; but a 5 point gap at this point does not look good, especially when Mourinho’s muckers are making such a strong fist of the title race already. After defeating Arse-nil - the only other unbeaten team at that point - they have held onto an impressive 19 out of 21 points, and are looking like if they all played blindfolded and bound, the ball would somehow still find its way into the opposition net off Diego Costacoffee’s knob. The guy is a phenomenon. I have to admit to doubting his ability to keep his temper, and to hit the ground running; but the bugger’s proved me wrong (once in a lifetime ain’t bad!) as he’s streaked past Usain Bolt and is racing down the Golden Boot straight already!
So as I tip my hat to the Stamford Bridge blues, I take my leave of you all, and head off back to bed. And Barbie.
Now where’d I put that lube?
For my aching leg muscles of course…
Tata for now peeps!
Wednesday 15 October 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Down Barbie - down girl. Wahay peeps! I’m back again! The Dobster returns!
Tonight’s part 2 or ‘d’uh’ as the Frenchies say, of me awesome blog on the Prem since I’ve been away sha - I mean, sunbathing an’ swimming like.
In this ‘ere bit, I’m gonna be looking at the almost-rans from 17 to 6.
So, at 17 this week pop-pickers, is Neverton; always the bridesmaid, but couldn’t score 3 points in a 30mph zone at the minute. Boy are these guys underperforming. If Elvis had underperformed like this, he’d ‘ave been called Rylan Knobjockey. After last season’s nosebleed heights, everyone thought they’d kick-on. Neverton decided to be as unpredictable as ever. Looking at their results and the teams they’ve taken points from compared to those they’ve dropped points too, you can only think that Roberto Martini’s world is a little topsy-turvy. Bloody entertaining though!
At 16 we find that rear-end cut of prime beef, Steak City. Mid-table anonymity is nothing new to this lot; with 2 wins, 2 draws and 3 losses, they’re heading for the same finish as last season. And the one before. And the one before that. And the one…zzzzzzzzzzz.
Chrysophase Palace have the same run as results as Steak, but sit one place higher, at 15, due to GD. A change of manager may have injected a whimsical and utterly hilarious sense of self into the team, leading to a run of results that make Neverton’s look stable. It won’t last, and by Christmas, I predict they’ll be sinking back towards the Chumpionship.
At 14, in the middle of the 8 point clubs, we find Best Sandwich Albumen. An insipid start to the campaign that rang alarm bells seems to have been halted by Irvine and the boys look like they’re starting to believe in themselves as much as their delusional fans do. I predict a high mid-table finish if they keep key players fit.
Blunderland top the 8 point club, and are probably over-achieving due to being the masters of draw. Bet they’re glad that Di Canofsoupio fooked off though. With Gus in charge, they may just stabilise and stay up. Maybe. Too many injuries at the back and they’ll plummet like a dead thing plummeting from the big blue thing overhead.
In at 12 we find Fester City, another team with a smattering of differing results so far. Still early days, and as the season continues they’ll no doubt suffer from becoming too familiar to the seasoned veterans of the Prem who’ll have worked them out by the return legs. It’s gonna be a long, hard second half to the season for the crisp-nickers.
Dull come in at 11 - or is it Bull? Mull? Skull? Zull…no; that was the weird bad guy in Ghostbusters weren’t it? I digress. As does the owner who’s out on Clive Sullivan Way every match day trying hawk his shares to the lowest bidder - sorry - ANY bidder. And all because he can’t change their name to Dull Dickheads. All the shenanigans off the pitch aren’t distracting this bunch of fighters though - in 11th place at this early stage, average results and a 0 GD. They’d have taken that after 7 games when the season started, I’ll bet. Good luck to ‘em I say - show that the money-men aren’t the answer to good old battling English footie. Tossers.
Just touching cloth in the top 10 we find Nasty Vanilla. Please go down. Immediately. Do not pass GO, do not stop to get your personal belongings. Just fook off to the Chumpionship where you belong. I hate you.
Number 9 finds Ditherfool, the team everyone (including them) thought would be fighting for the title. Although all is not lost for the Fools, as they sit amongst a throng of teams all on 10 points. As the games rack up, the results will come, and by the end they’ll be there or thereabouts, and deffo in the Chumpions League next season. Just don’t tell Spurs…
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaat 8! We have another 10 point team - Whinger Wenger’s Arse-nil; more draw merchants. They’ll be struggling to make top 4 if they don’t pull ‘emselves together soon. Come in Arsenic, your time is up. Taxi for Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinger!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 7! It’s… hang on - I’m reading this wrong. Surely. Surely? West Sham???? Bugger me backwards with Pretorius’ prosthetics! What is the world coming to???? Moving quickly on…
Finally for tonight, we hit the number 6 spot, level on points with some of the teams in the top 5, but still short on the sparkle required to break into it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Twittering Shitspurs! Lack of goals scored will be the problem for this shower this season, but Penicillin has the ability to get them close to the Chumps League by the end.
And that’s it for tonight folks! I’ll be back tomorrow wi’ the top 5. Stay tuned as Slash would not say!
I’m off now for a drink wi’ Barbie - she’s promised me a Ham Shandy.
Ciao for now peeps!
Tonight’s part 2 or ‘d’uh’ as the Frenchies say, of me awesome blog on the Prem since I’ve been away sha - I mean, sunbathing an’ swimming like.
In this ‘ere bit, I’m gonna be looking at the almost-rans from 17 to 6.
So, at 17 this week pop-pickers, is Neverton; always the bridesmaid, but couldn’t score 3 points in a 30mph zone at the minute. Boy are these guys underperforming. If Elvis had underperformed like this, he’d ‘ave been called Rylan Knobjockey. After last season’s nosebleed heights, everyone thought they’d kick-on. Neverton decided to be as unpredictable as ever. Looking at their results and the teams they’ve taken points from compared to those they’ve dropped points too, you can only think that Roberto Martini’s world is a little topsy-turvy. Bloody entertaining though!
At 16 we find that rear-end cut of prime beef, Steak City. Mid-table anonymity is nothing new to this lot; with 2 wins, 2 draws and 3 losses, they’re heading for the same finish as last season. And the one before. And the one before that. And the one…zzzzzzzzzzz.
Chrysophase Palace have the same run as results as Steak, but sit one place higher, at 15, due to GD. A change of manager may have injected a whimsical and utterly hilarious sense of self into the team, leading to a run of results that make Neverton’s look stable. It won’t last, and by Christmas, I predict they’ll be sinking back towards the Chumpionship.
At 14, in the middle of the 8 point clubs, we find Best Sandwich Albumen. An insipid start to the campaign that rang alarm bells seems to have been halted by Irvine and the boys look like they’re starting to believe in themselves as much as their delusional fans do. I predict a high mid-table finish if they keep key players fit.
Blunderland top the 8 point club, and are probably over-achieving due to being the masters of draw. Bet they’re glad that Di Canofsoupio fooked off though. With Gus in charge, they may just stabilise and stay up. Maybe. Too many injuries at the back and they’ll plummet like a dead thing plummeting from the big blue thing overhead.
In at 12 we find Fester City, another team with a smattering of differing results so far. Still early days, and as the season continues they’ll no doubt suffer from becoming too familiar to the seasoned veterans of the Prem who’ll have worked them out by the return legs. It’s gonna be a long, hard second half to the season for the crisp-nickers.
Dull come in at 11 - or is it Bull? Mull? Skull? Zull…no; that was the weird bad guy in Ghostbusters weren’t it? I digress. As does the owner who’s out on Clive Sullivan Way every match day trying hawk his shares to the lowest bidder - sorry - ANY bidder. And all because he can’t change their name to Dull Dickheads. All the shenanigans off the pitch aren’t distracting this bunch of fighters though - in 11th place at this early stage, average results and a 0 GD. They’d have taken that after 7 games when the season started, I’ll bet. Good luck to ‘em I say - show that the money-men aren’t the answer to good old battling English footie. Tossers.
Just touching cloth in the top 10 we find Nasty Vanilla. Please go down. Immediately. Do not pass GO, do not stop to get your personal belongings. Just fook off to the Chumpionship where you belong. I hate you.
Number 9 finds Ditherfool, the team everyone (including them) thought would be fighting for the title. Although all is not lost for the Fools, as they sit amongst a throng of teams all on 10 points. As the games rack up, the results will come, and by the end they’ll be there or thereabouts, and deffo in the Chumpions League next season. Just don’t tell Spurs…
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaat 8! We have another 10 point team - Whinger Wenger’s Arse-nil; more draw merchants. They’ll be struggling to make top 4 if they don’t pull ‘emselves together soon. Come in Arsenic, your time is up. Taxi for Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinger!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 7! It’s… hang on - I’m reading this wrong. Surely. Surely? West Sham???? Bugger me backwards with Pretorius’ prosthetics! What is the world coming to???? Moving quickly on…
Finally for tonight, we hit the number 6 spot, level on points with some of the teams in the top 5, but still short on the sparkle required to break into it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Twittering Shitspurs! Lack of goals scored will be the problem for this shower this season, but Penicillin has the ability to get them close to the Chumps League by the end.
And that’s it for tonight folks! I’ll be back tomorrow wi’ the top 5. Stay tuned as Slash would not say!
I’m off now for a drink wi’ Barbie - she’s promised me a Ham Shandy.
Ciao for now peeps!
Tuesday 14 October 2014
The Grant Gurnhill football and mayhem blog.
Aye-oop peeps! Tis I again - Sir Dobbie of Savageo!
I’m back from me summer hols and back kicking punditry-ass!
I’ve spent the last month on that there Barbie-ados island. Boy was she hot! Hotter than a napalm enchilada, if ya get me drift.
Anyway, me batteries are well recharged and I’m back to mess wi’ ya minds and tell it like it is in that there beautiful game - no; not female beach volleyball! Although…hang on - where were I? Oh yeah - foot-ballroom!
It’s a great time to recap on the madcap laughter of the past month in that there Prem, what wi’ England taking a sabbatical to play all the part-time painters and postman o’ Europe. Only thing I ‘ave to say on that is this - I’ve said for long enough that Jones the Bones and Christine Smalling were never good enough to play for Reunited, let alone pull on the legendary white jersey. Looks like both ‘ave disappeared up the Swanee for club and country. But England seem to have picked up another duffer in defence wi’ that Calumny Chambers - WTF?
Never mind - back to the Prem, and like a curious dog meeting a mate, we’ll start at the bottom.
PQRSTU - since narrowly beating the Blunders in late August, they’ve fulfilled my prophecy and stayed at bottom o’ table. Squeaking a bizarre draw against Steak gave ‘em their only other point, but with a minus 11 GD after 7 games, it’s gonna be a long, long season for the hoopsters!
BURnleY - getting BURYed as I predicted. If ya can’t score goals, you ain’t gonna stay up. Brave performances, but defending is half the game - the other half is putting the watermelon in the onion bag. An even longer season for these boys, as at least PQRSTU have got some strikers (they just can’t score…). Remember Arse-nil’s Invincibles? These guys could go an entire season without WINNING a game.
Pewkastle United - OMFG. Pugilist Pards is standing on a cliff edge getting a pat on the back from Fatboy Ashley. What is happening at this club? They seem to stumble from bad to worse, season after season, hanging on by a thread that’s fraying more and more each year. There must come a tipping point where the fans revolt and destroy Ashley’s pension fund, someone who actually gives a toss about the club buys the fat fuck out, or the Zombie apocalypse occurs and destroys civilisation as we know it (although Pardew would probably try signing the undead…). This is like the worst Final Destination crash EVER staged in the middle of Chernobyl, whilst a tsunami tries to outdo a world-wiper meteor strike. Bloody funny though (if you’re not a Pewks fan).
And on that bombshell, aha, I’m that puckered out that I’m off to me pit. Tomorrow night I’ll gi’ thee me wisdom on 17 to 6, leaving the top 5 for Juicy Wednesday.
Now, where did I put them condoms?
Come on Barbie - bedtime!
Tata for now peeps! Wish me luck!
In the meantime, whilst Dobbie returns, please enjoy this latest video of Roy Hodgson explaining his team choices to the Italian press this week.
I’m back from me summer hols and back kicking punditry-ass!
I’ve spent the last month on that there Barbie-ados island. Boy was she hot! Hotter than a napalm enchilada, if ya get me drift.
Anyway, me batteries are well recharged and I’m back to mess wi’ ya minds and tell it like it is in that there beautiful game - no; not female beach volleyball! Although…hang on - where were I? Oh yeah - foot-ballroom!
It’s a great time to recap on the madcap laughter of the past month in that there Prem, what wi’ England taking a sabbatical to play all the part-time painters and postman o’ Europe. Only thing I ‘ave to say on that is this - I’ve said for long enough that Jones the Bones and Christine Smalling were never good enough to play for Reunited, let alone pull on the legendary white jersey. Looks like both ‘ave disappeared up the Swanee for club and country. But England seem to have picked up another duffer in defence wi’ that Calumny Chambers - WTF?
Never mind - back to the Prem, and like a curious dog meeting a mate, we’ll start at the bottom.
PQRSTU - since narrowly beating the Blunders in late August, they’ve fulfilled my prophecy and stayed at bottom o’ table. Squeaking a bizarre draw against Steak gave ‘em their only other point, but with a minus 11 GD after 7 games, it’s gonna be a long, long season for the hoopsters!
BURnleY - getting BURYed as I predicted. If ya can’t score goals, you ain’t gonna stay up. Brave performances, but defending is half the game - the other half is putting the watermelon in the onion bag. An even longer season for these boys, as at least PQRSTU have got some strikers (they just can’t score…). Remember Arse-nil’s Invincibles? These guys could go an entire season without WINNING a game.
Pewkastle United - OMFG. Pugilist Pards is standing on a cliff edge getting a pat on the back from Fatboy Ashley. What is happening at this club? They seem to stumble from bad to worse, season after season, hanging on by a thread that’s fraying more and more each year. There must come a tipping point where the fans revolt and destroy Ashley’s pension fund, someone who actually gives a toss about the club buys the fat fuck out, or the Zombie apocalypse occurs and destroys civilisation as we know it (although Pardew would probably try signing the undead…). This is like the worst Final Destination crash EVER staged in the middle of Chernobyl, whilst a tsunami tries to outdo a world-wiper meteor strike. Bloody funny though (if you’re not a Pewks fan).
And on that bombshell, aha, I’m that puckered out that I’m off to me pit. Tomorrow night I’ll gi’ thee me wisdom on 17 to 6, leaving the top 5 for Juicy Wednesday.
Now, where did I put them condoms?
Come on Barbie - bedtime!
Tata for now peeps! Wish me luck!
In the meantime, whilst Dobbie returns, please enjoy this latest video of Roy Hodgson explaining his team choices to the Italian press this week.
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